The "boring" inbetween

The "boring" in-between......

And thank goodness for it!!! After all the hullabaloo of the first trimester, I'm glad there's not much to report right now.

We had another appointment today, and Little Miss is doing great. Developing right along, and right where she should be. I had to do my glucose test today, a little early since I do have a history of gestational diabetes. Only with my first pregnancy, but I'm still keeping my fingers madly crossed that I pass this time, too....

I'm really feeling her move all over the place these days. She was head down at the doctor's today, which is great news. Hopefully she'll stay that way! Her little body is getting so big in there that I can feel her roll now in addition to her kicks and jabs. Sometimes it takes me by surprise, because I still sometimes think she is so small!!! She's decided that she likes to hang out on my right side and in my right hipbone area; so much so that my belly often looks lopsided. My OB even commented on it. I think it's funny that these little kiddos have their own personalities and preferences so early.

Little Miss also likes music. A lot. Jason sent us a playlist for her to listen to, and a story he read so she can get used to his voice as well. Pretty cool. She is pretty active in the car these days, too. I figure it's because I drive with the music fairly loud (when I'm by myself anyway). I love to sing in the car, but really have to drown out the sound of my own voice! She really rocks with Evanescence. I figure that means she either loves them or hates them. Hard to say. :)

Here's our 22 week picture, even though I'll be 24 weeks tomorrow.

Halfway there musings.....

Halfway there musings.......

I kinda can't believe we're at the halfway point in the pregnancy already. It really does feel like just yesterday that we were flying out to Jersey for the transfer. I try to remind myself every day to enjoy everything that I can about this pregnancy- even the heartburn! Because it's going to be over before I know it... I'm so fortunate to be carrying this little girl; but sometimes I have to remind myself that she's "mine" just for the duration of the pregnancy. Don't get me wrong- I'm going to be overjoyed to hand her over to her Daddy- I just hope it's after 38-40 weeks gestation.

I was reminded today that nothing is ever certain, and to enjoy every moment that I can. A good friend of mine who was also carrying a surro-baby delivered unexpectedly at 32 weeks. The baby and my friend are both healthy and doing fine, but her journey was cut short by 8 weeks. She was expecting to be pregnant for another 6-7 weeks at least. I never really thought of how having a pre-term delivery would impact my feelings about the pregnancy. We Carriers go into a pregnancy knowing that we will not be taking home a baby in the end. But I think we all expect to nurture whatever little person grows for the length of an entire pregnancy.

I'm around pre-term labor and deliveries all the time because of where I work. I'm used to helping moms when their pregnancies are cut short for whatever reason. I never really thought of it in terms of a surrogate pregnancy being cut short. Maybe some carriers wouldn't be bothered by it, but I think delivering significantly early would make me sad, too. For me, the very best part of pregnancy is the last half and I want to experience it in all of its glory (aches, pains, and all...) for as long as I can!

Me and Baby at 20 weeks'....

It's a......

It's a........

......GIRL!!!!

I keep thinking I've written this blog already. Only to remember that I keep meaning to write it, and that it's not actually done yet!

Life has been crazy the last week and a half or so. Jason came to visit, we had our "20 week" anatomy scan (at 19 weeks, 4 days), the kids were out of school for Thanksgiving, my parents were here for Thanksgiving, not to mention Thanksgiving itself. Then it was my birthday and a dance recital; and now back to life "as usual".

Other than finding out that I'm carrying a healthy, happy baby, the big question of the day was: What am I carrying????? As soon as the ultrasound tech popped the transducer on my belly, I had the answer to that question- the view was about as perfect as it gets. Jason, not being accustomed to looking at ultrasound screens however, didn't see it right away. Since nothing is ever 100% until delivery, the ultrasound tech said with 99% probability that I'm carrying a little girl.

And she IS healthy and happy. Right now she's sitting breech (please flip.....), so we weren't able to get perfect shots of her heart or her spine. I'll have another scan when we go back in 4 weeks, and hopefully she'll be in a better position. Being breech explains why I always feel so heavy in my pelvis, and (despite the posterior placenta this time) why I don't feel much movement outside of my pelvis. I'm not as nervous about this kiddo being breech as I could be, though. My daughter sat breech until 31 weeks. I'll be relieved when Baby does finally flip; or freaked out when we get to 34 weeks and she still hasn't......

Here are some pics of this gorgeous girl:

Week 18

Well, 18 weeks, here we are! The picture is a little (okay, a lot) grainy, but I don't have the best camera on my phone. I'm not sure why I didn't have Chris snap a pic... I'm thinking that he must not have been here??? Our schedule was a little off this week d/t the upcoming holiday.

Baby is moving a lot more this week. I'm finally feeling movement outside of my pelvis- I'm starting to feel pokes, jabs, and rolls right below my belly button. I've noticed Baby moving while I'm on the couch, in the car, and at work. Still not so much when I'm up and busy and moving around a lot myself, but that will come. And probably soon!!!

Next week is our big anatomy scan! Jason is going to come into town so he can be there to see his kiddo on-screen again. We're really looking forward to finding out if this is a little miss or a little mister in there.

I've upped my zantac dose to cover the heartburn this week, and am thinking that I will probably have to move on to something a little stronger soon. New this week is the recurrence of my sciatica. I've been feeling it on my left side, and luckily just a tiny bit. The sciatica I get has never been as awful as what I know some people have, but it's one of those familiar "friends" of pregnancy that has popped up for me again. On the plus side, I'm not having any problem sleeping, and my appetite has improved a lot. I'm trying to make "good" food choices for myself and the baby, and pretty much I do well. However, there are those moments when that chocolate chip muffin looks way better than the apple..... ;) My go to absolutely favorite "meal" right now is refried beans and rice from the Mexican place down the street. With tortilla chips, of course.

Dreams

I always have crazy dreams. And during pregnancy, the craziness seems to get worse. I have really vivid dreams, that are often off the wall and funny when I'm pregnant. This time has been no exception. However, I've also been having realistically scary dreams (like last night), and dreams that seem to be coming straight from my subconscious.

The first "pregnancy dream" I remember having this time was a dream about giving birth. I was there in the hospital, laboring away. Jason was there, and things were progressing along as expected. When out pops the cutest little gray fuzzy bunny..... Everyone was a little taken back, but Jason loved his bunny nonetheless.

I've had dreams about haunted houses that suck people into never-ending labyrinths. Last night I dreamed it was a piece of very large property with a haunted house/ nature walk. We were from that show Ghost Hunters (which I've never watched) exploring the veracity of the hauntedness of the place. We wound down into the bowels of the place, then opened a door that was hiding pure evil behind it. We promptly turned around and ran up and out of the place, but something followed us. We got the signature of the owner on all our forms so the show could be produced. Then drove away only to find that all roads led right back to the house. Needless to say, I was actually happy to hear the alarm go off this morning!!!

Going into a surrogate pregnancy, you know from the beginning that the baby is not yours and not going home with your family. It changes the nature of the pregnancy, and for my family makes it easier. We're all very comfortable knowing that this is Jason's baby and not ours, and that we are only going to physically see/hold/ be around him or her for a very short time. Lately, my subconscious has been telling me that the very short time we will have must be something that is important to me.

I've dreamed twice now that I gave birth to this little wonder, but was not allowed to see him/ her. The first dream took place in the hospital, right at the moment of birth. The baby was born, and immediately whisked away- completely out of my room. I kept asking to see the baby, or hold the baby even just for a minute. I was told by the nurse that the baby wasn't even on hospital property any more, having been taken to the hotel where Jason and his family were staying. The second dream was several days after the baby was born. We were at home waiting for the court date to sign our paperwork. Jason hadn't made it to town yet for some reason, but I wasn't allowed to have custody of the baby. It was a girl, and she was being cared for by my best friend. I hadn't been allowed to see the baby in the hospital, and kept calling trying to convince my friend to bring her over for a visit before our court date.

In neither of the dreams was keeping the baby an issue. I just wanted a chance to see him or her. I know logically that Jason will give our family plenty of time to say goodbye to this wonderful little person, and I can't imagine any realistic scenario where the baby would be taken immediately away where wouldn't get a chance to see him/ her later.

Aren't dreams weird? At least this time around, I haven't dreamed about giving birth to a loaf of bread. It will be interesting to see what happens next in my dreamworld....

My pregnancy is special, too....

As most of you well know, I'm a nurse. I work in a fairly large hospital in the labor and delivery area. So, I work with mostly other women. Right now there are 11 of us pregnant (I think, it might only be 10), with 4 of us due in April. It's pretty crazy, but fun to be pregnant with so many other gals at the same time. Well, usually it's fun. It's been a little different this time, and I'm feeling a little defensive about it.

I was at work one night last week, and 5 of the staff on that night were from the pool of us preggo girls. We were sitting around in the early morning discussing who all was pregnant, when we were due, etc. One of my co-workers who I don't see very often looked at me and said, "You're pregnant, too, right?" Then another of my co-corkers looked over and said, "Yeah, but she's not keeping that baby," with a weird little tone. Then another of my co-workers, a close friend this time, said to me the other night, "Well I just don't get as excited about your pregnancy because this baby isn't going to be around, and we're not going to see him/her grow up."

Okay. I totally understand, and I get it. But this pregnancy is just as special as the other ones, and just as special to me as being pregnant with my own babies. In some respects, it is more special. These 40-ish weeks that I'm pregnant is the only time that I will be responsible for the care of this baby. It's the only time that this amazing little person will be a part of my daily life. My family is helping someone start a family of their own. I think that's pretty darn special.

Sure, my pregnancy is different. People don't understand what I'm doing, and/or why I'm doing it. I expect random comments from people I don't know very well, and even from the older set. If my grandma had something to say about it, for example. But it's a lot harder to hear from close friends, and people who I know are exposed to it on a regular basis.

There are friends of mine who may think I'm crazy, or who deep down don't understand. But please try to remember that, even though we're not keeping this baby, this pregnancy is special to me too. Please think about what you say to me before you say it.

Weeks 14 and 15

Okay... I was going to do a separate blog for each week. But I'm at work (in the wee hours), and I left my "list of things that happened this week" for 14 weeks' at home.....

What's new?

Well, I started going back to Zumba. Just once a week, and I've only been twice so far. It wasn't nearly as challenging as I thought it would be. I toned it down a little, and don't do a lot of the really...bouncy moves (like jumping jacks when she throws them in), but otherwise keeping up with the group is pretty easy. And my body seems to tolerate it well, too. I may try to up it to twice a week, with walking the track once a week. We'll see what happens. That's some pretty ambitious stuff.....

I finally found some shirts at Target that are working for me. Not maternity shirts.... just regular Ts. I'm sure I'll grow out of them at some point, but they have appeased my appetite for a few new pieces for the time being. My other new "discovery"???

One of those Belly Bands!!! I will be the first to admit that I thought they were the stupidest thing ever. Really, a stretchy tube of fabric that's supposed to hold your pants up when you can't get them buttoned anymore??? (Me rolling eyes) That stretchy panel doesn't hold my maternity pants up.... How on Earth would it ever hold up regular, non-maternity, unbuttoned pants? But, as last post told you, I was getting desperate for wearable clothes. These Belly Bands were prominently displayed in Target's maternity section. What the hell? I thought, then threw one in the cart.

I got a size small. I've figured out that the problem with my maternity pants right now is that they really are too big. There's too much fabric in the hips, and the stretchy part is too loose and doesn't squeeze me enough to hold anything up. As a result, my pants always fall down. Well, this size small Belly Band is a tiny little miracle. It holds everything up. Unbuttoned non-maternity pants, my work scrubs, maternity pants, you name it. I'm thinking I need to buy at least two more. Maybe three.....

Something more exciting than wardrobe, you ask? Hmmmmm...... Well, I AM starting to feel the baby move. :)

Just little flutters and small pokes, but there is definitely some movement in there. It's only once or twice a day, and I can't will it to happen, but it's there. I'm so excited to get to the point where the baby is a little bigger and I can feel him or her all the time. It's one of the most magical experiences ever!

Okay. It's time. I've been bad about posting pics. But with this being my 4th pregnancy, there was definitely a little "extra" in the tummy department hanging around from the previous three... I refuse to post belly pics until it actually looks like a baby belly, and not just left over fluff. I thik we're getting there.

So..... This is me, at 15 weeks'.

Week 13

Looking back, there's a lot that happened in this 13th week!

I was finally given the go-ahead by the IVF clinic to wean off my meds- the progesterone and estrogen I was taking to help support the pregnancy. Hallelujah!!!! That takes me down to a prenatal vitamin and a few occasional TUMS. For now, anyway..... The meds turned out to be one of the hardest things for me. I knew going in that I would be on progesterone and estrogen for approx 12 weeks after conception, and I didn't think it would be an issue. But there were just so many of them.... I felt like I was popping a pill or worrying about a suppository every time I turned around. I know it was necessary, and I would certainly do it again, but I am glad it's done for the time being.

My goal this pregnancy was to stay active, and try to exercise all the way through. It was disappointed when my OB said "no activity" after the bleed. Good news, though... Since the bleed has stopped growing, he cleared me for exercise again. Even said I could go back to my Zumba class if I wanted! I thought I'd start small, though- since I haven't exercised much at all since the transfer. I decided I'd walk/jog the track at the rec center. So, I walked 2 laps, jogged 1; walked 2 laps, jogged one. And then had to stop. The jogging really didn't "sit" well with my body- my back started aching and my whole pelvic floor area started to hurt. Sooooo.... no more jogging for me. Drat. I walked the track a couple days later, and that seemed to work much better. But after almost a year of pretty routine vigorous activity, walking just doesn't feel like enough. I wonder what Zumba would be like???

Getting dressed continues to be a challenge. My maternity pants fall down, my pre-pregnancy pants don't button.... I hate all my winter shirts that I've had for the past 4 years. But when I go out shopping to look for a few new things, I don't like what's out there to choose from. I don't really want to buy a lot of maternity things, but none of the "regular" shirts out there jump out at me either. So, I end up going back home with nothing, and staring in my closet before finally just grabbing something to throw on, and not looking at the mirror on my way by. Maybe in a couple more weeks, when my belly is more baby-round???

The only physical symptom that's new is heartburn. I'm starting to get more and more heartburn at night. I was hoping that this pregnancy would be different, considering I'm minus one gallbladder this time and all, but it doesn't appear to be so. Oh well. Heartburn and I are like BFFs.... I'll just have to invest in some zantac. My appetite is all strange now, too. I don't have much nausea, but I also don't have much of an appetite either. It makes figuring out "what's for dinner" particularly tricky... ;)

Week 12

The highlight of this week was a visit from Jason!

We had an appointment scheduled here so he could meet my doctor, and so he could have a chance to see the baby on ultrasound. It was a short, but very good visit. The appointment went well- seeing the baby is always fun, and he or she was just bouncing away in there! We were finally able to catch Baby's heartbeat on doppler, too. The ultrasound tech caught a great profile of Baby while we were there. It always amazes me how 100% formed and baby- looking a fetus is, even at just over 12 weeks' gestation.

After the appointment, Jason was able to come back to our place. There, he experienced just a small portion of our daily life: a playdate to host, soccer practice cancelled for rain, dance class... And all of that from just 3-5 in the afternoon! We all went out to dinner at our favorite local Mexican place, and tried to hit the cupcake place our family enjoys so much. Unfortunately, they had closed 15 minutes early that night, so that is something we'll have to do next time. After getting back to the house, we visited for awhile longer. But before too long, it was late and Jason had to head back to his hotel. Maybe next time we can actually show Jason some of the sights around town..... But lucky for me, he said he's not much of a sightseer anyway!!!

We'll see Jason again for our 20 week anatomy scan. And, if the baby cooperates, we'll find out if I'm carrying Baby Girl or Baby Boy. I think Boy.... But only time will tell!

Weeks 10 and 11

It's been awhile! I forget how crazy life is during soccer season....

I feel like I've seen my OB more at the beginning of this pregnancy than I did with my others! But, that bleed has made more appointments necessary. It doesn't bother me, though. I really like seeing that the baby is healthy in there. And it made it easier to discover that the bleed has stopped growing! It's still there, but has been the same size for at least three weeks.

I'm trying to remember what the highlights of the last two weeks have been.... This is why I should NOT put off blogging!

I'm still having some waves of nausea, but really it's not that bad at all. It seems to be dying down more quickly than I'm used to. I can actually stomach my beloved Diet Coke again! (Though I can't make it thru a full one....) I'm still happiest with carbs to eat, but some protein has been okay too. Chicken is still a no go, but it may be like that the whole time. I went through a few days where all I wanted to eat were almond poppyseed muffins from Costco!

Which is why I may already be growing out of my pants..... ;) No, really. It feels like my little belly has popped out over the last two weeks. My pants are tight, but my maternity clothes are too big- I'm in that awkward phase where all I can wear are pajama pants or yoga-like pants and be comfortable. I'm glad that I own longer t-shirts, too. Why is it that maternity clothes get wider and not longer???

With no bleeding, good news from the doc, and feeling a bit better it's been a pretty good two weeks. I'm looking forward to things getting even better, and returning to "normal" in the next few weeks.

Week 9

Well, it's certainly been an interesting week.

After "The Bleed" as we're coming to call it, I've been a nervous wreck. Even though the doctor said that things looked as good as they could look at this point, I still was afraid to move! I spent about 2 days on the couch, trying as hard as I could not do do anything.... But, I had to get back to work and real life at some point.

Over the course of a couple days, I increased my activity level back up to "normal". I still don't do any heavy lifting, and try not to pick up Finn as often as before. But anyone who has a clingy two year old knows that that is really hard. I try to make sure that I am using the best body mechanics (thank you nursing school...) possible to lift him. I can't exercise, or engage in any sort of "vigorous" activity.

I'm a little bummed about the no exercise part. I'm in better shape starting this pregnancy than I was with my last two. I've never exercised through a pregnancy before, and that was one of my goals this time around. But, there's always after the baby is born to get back into the swing of things.

I had a repeat ultrasound yesterday afternoon (a week and a day after the initial scan). The baby is growing right on track, getting bigger every time I see it! This time, there was even a little movement out of the little one. It's always a relief to see that the baby is doing so well.

The bleed is still there, and in fact is bigger than it was last week. My doctor explained to me that it means the bleed is still active. It hasn't moved in my uterus though, which is a good sign, and it hasn't impeded the growth of the baby at all- which is the major thing they look for. The expectation is, that as the pregnancy grows bigger, it will put pressure on the bleed site reducing then ultimately stopping the bleed. The resulting clot may be reabsorbed, or it may not. While the bleed is concerning on one hand, as long as the baby is growing appropriately and consistently, there's really not much to do or worry about.

The longer I go without actively bleeding, the less nervous I feel. Seeing the bleed always makes me worry a bit, because it's pretty easy to not focus on something you can't see. I'll be happy when I get to where I can feel the baby move. I take comfort in my daily bouts of nausea, and the fact that my clothes are getting a little bit tighter- it's all I have right now to assure me that everything is on track.

If THAT never happens again....

It's been a crazy weekend. And not crazy in a good way.

Sunday afternoon I woke up (after working) as usual. Had a good evening with the husband and kids, and life was progressing as normal. Nothing different, no weirdness, nothing strange whatsoever.

That evening, I got ready to put the kids in the tub. And (maybe TMI, but oh well) felt like I had to visit the potty. So I did. And was hit with some awful abdominal cramping and really bad nausea. I'm not a puker (thankfully) even when I'm pregnant. But before I knew it, I was throwing up.

Enter that light headed, sweaty, man I'm going to pass out feeling- along with some pretty intense abdominal cramping. So, I did what I always do in crampy situations; I got in a hot bath. Of course, my two youngest kids were with me in the bathroom the whole time, and my two year old insisted on getting in the tub with me (after imitating me throwing up, I might add...).

Fast forward about an hour. My husband came to the rescue, and my kids were all put to bed. The horrible cramping that I had had eased up a little, and I was laying in bed. Then the worst imaginable thing happened. I started to bleed. I just knew that something was horribly wrong.

Chris called Jason to let him know that something was going on. I just couldn't at that point. I continued to bleed pretty heavily for the next three or so hours, and passed a couple clots. I was miscarrying. I just knew it. I called the on-call doc and she was pretty uninspiring: well, the clinic is closed tomorrow for the holiday, so call on Tuesday morning.....

Monday was hard. I struggled with a sense of failure and disappointment, Chris was at a loss because this had never happened before, and Jason was devastated. Emotionally we were all wrecked. Physically, I was doing okay. Surprisingly, I wasn't really bleeding any more; just some really dark brown bleeding/ spotting. I nursed a vague spark of a hope that miraculously everything would be okay....

This morning I called the office first thing. I talked to the nurse and told her what had happened. We were both pretty sure I had miscarried. She was going to make me an appointment to see my doc next week. I asked if they would do an ultrasound for confirmation. In my heart, I just needed that visual to be 100% sure. And Jason needed it too. She managed to get me an appointment for 1030.

I went by myself (usually the whole fam comes along). Of course things were running late, but finally I was back in the ultrasound room, on the table in the dark. When the picture popped up on the screen, I braced myself, knowing I would see, well.... nothing.

Imagine my open-mouthed, jaw-dropping shock when a little bean- shaped being swimming in a pool of fluid appeared on the screen. And then, when the tech zoomed in, I saw that little fluttery heartbeat. I cried. I was so thankful.

It turns out that I have a subchorionic hemorrhage. It sounds scary, but is something that is fairly common. It can cause anywhere from a small to large amount of bleeding in the first and second trimesters. Usually they resolve on their own, but sometimes they don't. So, I'm not out of the woods yet. I'm on some restrictions that I haven't had before, and I need to lay low and take it easy. My doc says that I may have more bleeding. But we'll do here whatever it takes to maintain the pregnancy.

A wild emotional ride that I never want to take again......

Day to day

Well, now that I'm pregnant, it seems that there's not too much to blog about on a day to day basis. I'm not fulfilling a bunch of clinic obligations, my meds aren't changing, there's no more travel in sight.....

Which is all good. It means that everything is progressing exactly as it should. I'm just doing all the normal first trimester things.

I'm getting to be super tired very easily- no matter how well I sleep at night. The nausea is coming in waves. Not as bad as I remembered with Finn, but it's still early. If I'm lucky it won't get any worse. I've had some heartburn on and off, and my appetite is definitely changing.

Diet Coke is one of my absolute favorite things of all time. Now, I can drink just a few sips here and there. I haven't finished an entire can by myself in a few weeks now! It's good.... my caffeine consumption has tanked. Maybe that's part of the fatigue... ;)

I'm at that spot where nothing sounds good to eat most of the time. And the only thing that I want when I am hungry is carb rich food.... Mashed potatoes, rice, bready things...... I also really like sour/tart things right now- Fresca, sour patch kids, lemonade. It's funny how food changes when you're pregnant. I can eat chicken in things, but (once again) the thought of eating just a chicken breast makes me want to.... well.... I'm sure you understand.

I wonder what I'll crave as things move on. With Finn, it was chocolate, and all three of my other pregnancies I craved red meat.

Chris is always glad to see the first trimester go- in terms of food. I either don't cook, or I cook the same things over and over. Not to mention the weird things I ask for!

I'm falling behind!

Things have been so busy the last week! My kids went back to school, and we have been doing all sorts of fun "end of summer" things. I haven't had much time to keep everyone updated....

Well, we saw one little heartbeat on ultrasound this week! I'm a little relieved that there aren't two little beans gestating in there. I was wanting to experience a twin pregnancy (kinda), but I know that a singleton pregnancy is likely to be less complicated. Not guaranteed, but likely.....
I know what to expect carrying one baby!

I'm still feeling good most of the time. I do notice spikes of nausea in the late afternoon to early evening, and my appetite is changing. I'm hoping that these little spikes of nausea are all I get. I remember being monstrously nauseous with Finn all the time.......

Medication Woes

It's been a busy week! It's the "end" of summer here, and we've been getting the kids ready to head back to school. Chores, work, appointments.... the time just seems to be flying by!

I had to change some of my medication. Again. I don't think I posted about it before.... One of the maintenance meds after transfer is progesterone. It's usually ordered as an injectable- the progesterone is prepared in an oil solution, and given as a shot. In your hip or bum.

The first progesterone I was given was prepared in sesame oil. I seemed to do okay with it, the shots didn't hurt, the med didn't really burn. But after taking it for about a week, I started itching from head to toe. And not just a little, bothersome itch.... I wanted to scratch my skin off with a dull spoon. I was also taking progesterone suppositories and estrogen pills, but I'd been taking them longer than the shots and hadn't previously had any problems. I figured it must be the sesame oil.

So we switched preparations. I was sent progesterone prepared in ethly ocelate; it's supposed to be a very mild preparation that most people can tolerate. About 10 days after starting that, I noticed that my injection sites were itching. Then one morning I woke up, and my injection sites were fiery red. And itchy. And the affected area was raised, and swollen more than bumpy. Crap. This isn't going to work for me either.

The good news? No more shots for me. The bad news? The med they are switching me to is another vaginal insert (a gel this time), and it is ridiculously expensive. Of course. Part of me wonders if I'm allergic to the progesterone itself. I decided no, though, after some thought. I've also been taking those progesterone suppositories- since the beginning- and I don't react to those.

Sooooo.... Now I'll be taking a vag gel in the morning, and vag suppositories at dinner and bedtime. Plus the estrogen pills and my prenatal. Oh yeah... plus a third preparation of progesterone- this one in a pill form.

Everyone that I've talked to who have also had IVF pregnancies swear that this is an absurd amount of medication to be on. All I know is that every clinic is different, and they all have different protocols. If this is what my clinic tells me I have to do, I'll do it. But I won't lie.... I'll be happy to reach that 12 week mark, and wean to just (hopefully) my prenatal. And probably some TUMS. And maybe some iron. And some colace......

Betas

Yep, I'm pregnant all right.

My 2nd beta came back right where it should be. Remember I said that it had to double or more over the course of two to three days? Well, my numbers were perfect. 212 for the first, and 546 for the 2nd. Since everyone's numbers are different, there's no clue as to how many may be in there. We'll have to wait another couple of weeks for the heartbeat confirmation ultrasound to find out if one little embryo implanted, or if they both did.

A few people have asked how I feel. Everyone has asked if I'm excited.

Right now, I'm feeling good. I'm giving it a couple of weeks, though, before I expect to feel sick at all. It's all still a little surreal. You have a few pink lines and a page of lab results to tell you that there's a baby growing in there, but until you really start to feel it, it just doesn't seem quite real. Seeing the heartbeat always helps. And as monstrously annoying as the nausea is, at least it tells me that all is well. The real fun is when I start to grow out of my clothes, though! Okay, once you get past that, hmmmmm is she just getting plump? phase.

Of course I'm excited. It's interesting, though. It's a different kind of excited than I felt when I learned that I was pregnant with my own babies. I'm so happy for Jason, thrilled, really. And I'm looking forward to being pregnant again. The experience for me is just fascinating every time. But, instead of knowing that we're adding to our family, I know that we are helping add to someone else's family. Instead of looking forward to picking a name, planning a nursery, and holding my new baby in my arms, I'm looking forward to giving someone else those experiences. This pregnancy, it's my job to keep this new life happy, healthy, and safe until we can deliver him or her to Jason's arms.

People have asked me if it will be hard to give this baby up. My immediate answer is no. Because this isn't our baby. This child is not destined to be a part of our household; not a new brother or sister, not a new son or daughter for us. I'm sure I will love this baby, but not in the same way that I love my babies.

:)

My first "I'm really pregnant" experience

So, I'm brewing a headache. Same old, same old- it's creeping into my right temple and wrapping around my right eye.

My response? Well, I'll drink some water, try a little caffiene, and if it's getting bad enough I'll try to cut it off with some ibupro- ....... Crap. I can't take any ibuprofen. I'm pregnant....

Lol. Loks like I need to get to the store and buy some plain ol' tylenol.

And the results are.......

Well, the thing everyone wants to know at this point is, "Are you pregnant?????"

We talked about HPTs last time. And of course I took one. Okay, okay, I took three.... But I couldn't post anything until it was "official". You know, those Betas that the clinic like to see. And really, I'm posting about 2 days before it's officially official. But I just couldn't wait anymore!!!

The transfer was successful!!! Looks like I'm pregnant.

I took the first test on day 7. The line is sooooo faint, you can barely see it. (I swear it's there on the real thing....)

Day 9 was "more" positive. Hey, at least you can easily see the "pregnant" line.

Day 11 I took the test more because there were three in the box I bought, than to prove anything to myself. The "pregnant" line is darker than the reference line!!!

Things seem to be progressing well.

I'll post my betas on Monday when I know the second one. I would post the first, but there is absolutely nothing to reference it to. Everyone's betas can be different. The important thing is the draw 2 or 3 days later. They look for the numbers to increase over that time, hopefully at least doubling. Anyway, my beta today told me that I am, indeed, pregnant.

The next big question..... "How many babies are growing in there???"

To HPT or not to HPT.....

....that is the question.

After a transfer, I always thought that waiting that 8-10 days to find out if I'm actually pregnant would kill me.... drag by like the last week before Christmas for a kid. Or that 39th week of pregnancy....

Funny enough, the first week flew by. the bedrest, the flight home, settling in, then working.

Now the question I'm sure every woman who has ever had an IVF transfer asks herself.... Do I actually take one of those nifty home pregnancy tests (HPT), or do I wait for that blood test???

It's called having your "beta" drawn. Your beta HcG level... that little hormone that you produce when you're pregnant. Most clinics draw betas at 8 days and 10 days post transfer. They draw twice to make sure that the first beta at least doubles over the two days- signaling a probable healthily growing pregnancy.

My clinic, of course, has to be..... different. My betas aren't scheduled to be drawn until 11 and 14 days post transfer. Seriously.

Some people like to wait for the blood draw. They don't want to be disappointed if the HPT is negative. Maybe they don't trust the home tests? Maybe they just want the added bonus of knowing the number doubles?

Who knows?

I however know that I am extremely impatient. The only question is How long am I going to wait to take that HPT? The secret, after three pregnancies of my own I've learned, is the sensitivity of the test. Some of them show a positive result down at 15-20 units of measure, but others don't show until you hit 50 units of measure.

I must make sure to buy the "early" test. Because we all know I'll take it.

Bedrest Rocks?

So, after the transfer is complete, one is on doctor mandated bedrest for 2-3 days. Two days in my case. Many people look at the word "bedrest" and envision countless hours whiling away in bed with the TV remote, a take out menu, and maybe a good book or two. Sounds like a lot of fun.

It is. On a lazy Sunday afternoon, when staying in bed all day is your idea.

On the day of the transfer, I was allowed to get up and use the bathroom. No sitting up to eat, no standing in the shower. I could lay on my back or sides, but preferably not on my stomach. Tricky, as I'm a stomach sleeper.

I won't lie. The first day wasn't bad. We came back from the clinic, went back to bed, and pretty much crashed until about 4 in the afternoon. I fell in love with the pizza from the Italian place the night before, and sent Chris back there for dinner that night. By the time "bedtime" rolled around, my hips and lower back were getting a bit sore. But what the hey- I was going back to sleep anyway!

Day 2. I was allowed to move to the couch. Today I could sit up to eat my meals, and stay upright long enough for a shower. Bless Jason for booking us a room with a couch. It was great to have the option to move to a "new" location. I was awake more, but had a harder time staying comfortable too. About halfway through the day, I was wishing I'd packed some tylenol for the hips and lower back. Chris and I entertained ourselves with episodes of Weeds and TrueBlood, and had Chili's for lunch. And dinner.

Still. Enforced relaxation is a very different animal than just having a lazy day or two. For some reason, I kept having the crazy compulsion to get up and run around the room. Probably just because I wasn't supposed to.

I will say, though, that every time I did get up, all I could think about was those tiny little embryos falling right out of me. I think someone out there needs to invent some sort of bio-adhesive fixative they can treat the embryos with before transfer. Not something that guarantees implantation, just something that guarantees that the little guys will at least stick to something when they get pipetted in there. That way I don't have to constantly worry that they're going to fall out!

Really, before we knew it, it was time to pack up and head home again.

Oh!

I'd like to give a quick shout out to the name-unknown toll booth operator that Chris and I met on our journey back to the Philly Airport. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for letting us through the 5 dollar toll area (at 445 am) with the buck 55 in change I scrounged from the bottom of my purse. We, being from far out of town, were relying on our phone navigation to lead us back to the airport. Why the phone genie chose to lead us over a toll bridge, we'll never know. They don't have toll bridges/ roads where we come from.....

Transfer Day

Or, Valium Day, as I'm coming to think of it....

Our appointment was for 915 in the morning. Since we were literally just a mile from the clinic, this was no big deal. The only thing I had to do ahead of time was to start guzzling the water, so my bladder would be full enough for the ultrasound. I started with an 8oz glass about 845. I had at least three, if not four, glasses in before we even left the room.

Chris and I followed the instructions to the clinic. We pulled into a lot that was filled with commercial looking buildings- you know, where there are multiple business offices, doctor offices, dentists, etc. Well, we found three or four different doors, in 2 different buildings, that had the name of the clinic stenciled on them. Which one to choose, which one to choose????

The first door we went to was locked. We rang the conveniently located bell, but no one answered. The second led into this tiny reception area. We stood there for 3 or 4 minutes before deciding there was no one even in the "office". On to door #3. In we walked to a large wood paneled reception are (think late 70s, not mod office) , with the reception girls located behind counters and sliding glass windows. Looks like we finally chose the right door. Lots of women, lots of hustle and bustle.

After the requisite wait in the outer room, and another cup of water, Chris and I were ushered back to the "changing room". Shelved room, tupperware bins on the shelves, and lone chair in the corner. I bared all from the waist down, put on and OR hat and booties, and wrapped a paper gown around myself. Chris climbed into his bunny suit, and also donned booties and a cap. Then the nurse came in with the magic pill.

Most places will give you a pre-transfer relaxation medication. While given mainly to decrease the incidence of uterine contractions, it has the added secondary benefit of being an anti-anxiety happy pill.

On to the transfer room..... Up on the Reagan era exam table (the wood paneling matched the reception room...), and wait for that happy pill to kick in. Now, here's where the whole thing gets fuzzy for me. I remember the tech coming in to see if my bladder was full enough for transfer yet (No. Seriously??? I already have to pee...) Then a little more waiting. And another cup of water.

I remember the doc coming in. I remember Chris putting on his mask, and I remember the ultrasound tech putting the scanner back on my belly. I vaguely remember the speculum (not a bad thing), but I don't remember the actual transfer at all.... I was really wanting to watch the embryos go in, but I totally missed it. Chris saw, and said it was pretty cool....

The next thing I know, the nurse is laying me basically upside down, wanting to know if I I needed the bedpan or if I could wait 30 min. Uuuummmmm... wait? Okay.

5 minutes later I was asking for the bedpan. I have a new appreciation for bedpans. They are NOT easy to use. I can hardly pee in a cup in the doctor's office in the bathroom alone. My bladder, ridiculously overfull as it was, was NOT thrilled with the bedpan idea. It took me awhile, but I made it happen.... All the while praying that those two little embryos weren't tumbling out as I, um, went.

An eye blink later, and the nurse was telling me that I could get dressed and head "home". Chris bundled my sleepy buns into the car, took me back to the hotel, and tucked me into bed. Where I promptly slept 90% of the day away.

We're here!

Yesterday was a looooong day. Our flight left at 7am, which means up by 5. We stumbled our way out of the house, made it to the airport, and caught our first flight. We made it to Chicago O'Hare without incident. Yes, I slept 90% of the way, as I'm prone to do on long trips.

Out layover in Chicago was about 3 hours, which is actually kinda perfect. Chris and I had time to wander around, eat, find our next gate, and people watch for a little while. Our connecting flight to Philly was on time, which was a miracle considering there were big storm systems moving in and out of the area delaying other flights.

We made it to Philly, then on over to New Jersey with no problems too. For a travel day, it went as well as could be expected. The hotel room that will be our home for the next few days is pretty awesome- a king bed, a little sitting area with a couch and ottoman, and a BIG TV hanging on the wall, positioned so we can see it from the couch or the bed. Big bath tub..... Restaurants I love nearby. What else could a girl want???

We met Jason, his mom and dad, and one of his sisters for dinner last night. After months of emailing, calls, and texts, it was so wonderful to actually meet in person! We all headed to the Italian place down the street. After a couple hours of great food and great conversation it was time to head back to the hotel for the night. Jason doesn't live particularly close to the clinic/ hotel, so that was all we are going to be seeing him this trip. Chris and I are both sad not to be spending any more time with him this time- we hit it off so well!

This morning, I'm up and fluid loading for the transfer!!! So crazy that the day is actually here......

T minus...

... 2 days and counting!!!

Getting things packed up and ready for our trip tomorrow.

My first progesterone shot was yesterday. The shot itself was a piece of cake (I had a co-worker give it to me). About 20 minutes later, though, the site started stinging like mad! It also gives me a pretty strange/ funny/ yucky taste in my mouth. But hey, that's what gum is for!!! I also started the progesterone suppositories as well.

I ended up with an eyeball blowing migraine last night, which sucked. I'm wondering if it was triggered by the progesterone; I know that headaches are a side effect. Hopefully my body adjusts to the dose fast!

Looking forward to the arrival of my mom and dad later this afternoon. Then tomorrow morning, Chris and I hop on a plane and head out!

Aaaaannnnnd relax.....

Well, after all my drama yesterday, things were (of course) taken care of.

By some weird quirk of fate, my husband came home from work early with a migraine. That enabled me to hit the local package store to fax my consents AND get them shipped overnight to the IVF coordinator. And lucky us, she got everything!

The good news from yesterday is that we were given the green light to start progesterone on Friday morning. An intense 4 day course of medication leading up to the transfer on the 25th! I was told by the technician here and the coordinator from Jason's clinic that my uterine lining looks "fantastic". Lol.

In the meantime, I'm getting ready for our trip. My mom and dad are going to come to stay with our kids while me and Chris are gone (thanks, Mom and Dad!!!). So, I've been cleaning and putting away all those little things that sit out for months and months. The laundry is getting done, the kids' rooms cleaned.....

On Saturday morning, I'm having a pre-transfer massage. One of the great perks of my agency is pre-pregnancy and pregnancy massage. Something I'm planning on taking full advantage of!

I work the next couple nights, then Chris and I are hopping on a plane and heading East. We're excited to meet Jason in person finally, and to spend a couple days together catching up on life.

The whole transfer still seems a little surreal. We all do all this work, and all these little chores leading up to the big day, and it seems like things are taking for-ev-er. But, before you know it, it's here. And it's here!

I'll post again when we get out East!

Can NOTHING be easy?????

I'm annoyed. And crabby.

With my meds came a stack of consents for the clinic that needed to be signed. Yay!!!! More paperwork.... These consents had to be signed, notarized, and returned to the clinic "as soon as possible". Gotcha.

So, I start my meds. Very exciting, next step, blah, blah, blah. Then I'm off of work for 8 days. We go to my folks' house the next state over, we go to my sister's place- three hours away from that. We come home, I clean, I go back to work.

This weekend, Chris says to me, "Wasn't there something that we needed to have notarized?". I won't lie. It took me about a minute and a half before I had a clue what he was talking about. Then I remembered..... Oh s@*t. The consents. Well, it's Saturday. We'll have to get it done early next week.

Tuesday rolls around, and we have the stack signed and notarized. Whew. Done.

My follow up ultrasound and blood work appt was this morning. So I emailed the coordinator at Jason's clinic to let her know to expect results from the clinic here. I also asked her about the consents. Can we just bring them with us, as we'll be seeing her on Monday, or does she want them faxed first?

The return email boggles me. Well, you'll have to fax them to me as soon as you can, and overnight the originals. Apparently I can't continue on to my "big gun" meds until they have the consents in hand at the clinic. WHAT??????? Nowhere in my paperwork does it say that!!!!! Just "return as soon as possible". Now, I know I'm the one that forgot the consents, and that's totally on me. However, if the paperwork had said something to the effect of me not being able to continue my meds, the consents would have stuck a little more firmly in my mind.

Well, I think, I'm going to be down at the clinic, so I might as well fax the consents from my unit while I'm down there. That way, I don't have to pay anything. So that's what I do. I use the fax number that is listed on Jason's clinic's web page. The same fax number that I've used to fax everything. The same fax number I've given to the clinic here to fax results to.

Now I'm home. I let the coordinator know that the consents are faxed. She says that they haven't received anything, and what number did I fax to? So I gave her the info: the fax number on the contact page of your website. "Oh", she says, "well, that number doesn't even fax into our building, so can you re-fax it to my number?"

NO!!!!! I CANNOT re fax it to your number. I'm at HOME, and I don't have a FAX MACHINE!!!!!!!! My two year old is napping, and my husband is at work. I probably won't make it out of the house until AFTER your office closes. And on top of that, not only am I going to have to still send these papers overnight, I'm now going to have to pay to fax 11 stupid pages through. (If you've known me long enough, you know that it annoys me to have to pay for something I could otherwise do for free.) And I live 35 minutes, both way, away from my "free" fax machine.

And I'm supposed to start my "big gun" meds tomorrow. If this is hung up for another day because I didn't get the paperwork in, Jason's probably not going to be pleased.

UGH!!!! I'm trying to not cry, yell at my kids, and keep my head from blowing off my shoulders.

At least the IVF clinic here in town managed to keep it together for my appt this morning.

Whew!

So now you're pretty much caught up with the story. I recieved a rather large box in the mail the Friday before the 4th of July (well, I think it was Friday...) containing the medications I would need. Since we weren't needing to coordinate my cycle with an intended mother or an egg donor, my med regimen is a bit simpler than that of some others I've heard.

I've been taking estrogen supplements for the last 10 days or so. I had a baseline ultrasound to measure my uterine lining, and some blood work , and will have a follow up of the same tests later this week.

I'm lucky, I've learned. My estrogen is in pill form. Most of the other gals I've talked to, or know, who have prepared for IVF have had to give themselves estrogen shots. Oh, but my time is coming......

If all looks good with my follow-up ultrasound and blood work, then I'll start what I consider the intense preparation meds. I'll have to start giving myself daily shots of progesterone. It's an IM shot. Right into the bum muscle. Says the girl who couldn't even poke her finger for a blood sugar in anatomy lab.... Chris swears he's NOT going to be giving me any shots. He and needles do not get along very well. Really. I'll just have to get through that first shot. If I can do one, then I can do 100. Good thing, too. If the transfer takes and I get pregnant, I'll have to give myself progesterone shots for awhile....

So far I haven't noticed any side effects from the estrogen. I don't think I've been particularly grumpy, or emotional. But I haven't asked Chris, either... he may have a different thought on that! I'm curious to see what the other meds do, if anything.

I can't believe my transfer is in a week. The time is just going to fly by!!!

Where were we.....

.... oh yes. Just at the end of my "fantastic" appointment at the local fertility clinic.

So, my appointment was Monday. The hope was that all results would be into Jason's clinic by Thursday so my meds could be mailed out Friday. This was such a BIG step... I felt like we would finally, truly be able to consider ourselves fully in the surrogacy game if I could just make it to meds this time.

The clinic here called me Tuesday am to let me know that they were sending my results through to Jason's clinic. I already knew that the mock transfer went well, and I knew that the HSG was all clear. I was 99.9% certain that my blood work would all be okay, too. But in the very back of my mind, I was still thinking "please, please, please....".

I'm not sure what I was doing that day, but I'm pretty sure it was Chris that alerted me to the fact that I had an email from Jason's clinic just sitting idly in my inbox. Weird, since my phone usually alerts with emails. Okay, when I actually hear the thing.....

I thought it would be from the coordinator at the clinic just letting me know that labs had come thru. But it was even better than that. There were attachments with a med schedule for me!!!!!! Chris and I had "passed" all our testing and screening requirements. We could officially get my medications ordered, and I actually had a schedule "in hand" with real dates on it! There it was in writing: projected transfer date, July 25th.

It's actually going to happen this time. We're really going to be able to do this!

A comedy of errors

Oh! So, I talked to my IF about the blog a little, and he gave me permission to use his "real" info. His name is Jason, and he lives in New York City. A far cry and way more exciting than where we're from.... :)

All right, back to the story. My screening appt was set for 10am. I got out of the house a few minutes late, and was kind of rushing to get there. I had to wait a month for that appointment, and I didn't want to look bad by being late! I rushed into the office, and signed in right at 10. Whew! Even though there were only two of us in the waiting room, there were a lot of people breezing in and out of there. Busy office, but not surprising as it's the only fertility clinic in town.

I was hoping for a relatively quick, smooth appointment. Here's what I got:

Error #1: the clinic lost my orders. They tried (several times) to convince me that Jason's clinic had never even sent orders over. BS, as they wouldn't even schedule my appointment- a month ago!- without orders. By the time the order thing was figured out, 3/4 of my hour long appointment were gone. I was terrified that they were going to tell me we would have to reschedule. Thank goodness they didn't....

Error #2: the doctor proceeded to do an intake history on me. Even though Jason's clinic had already done one. And I had relayed that info to the nurse at the clinic....

Error #3: the doc couldn't seem to find the right catheter to deliver the dye into my uterus for the x-ray shots she needed.... It all kept leaking back out. Leading to...

Error #4: they ran out of dye they "prefer". Completely. In the whole clinic. I proceeded to hang out on the table, equipment all in place, while the doc and the MA scurried around trying to find out if the replacement dye they had in the cabinet was safe for intra-uterine use. At one point, the doc "apologized" by telling me that, "Well since we didn't have your orders, we had no idea we would be doing this today"...

Error #5: when I was positioned up on the table, it moved out of place a little bit. So, the xray camera wasn't lined up correctly. They were going to bring in some other people to help move the table back into the correct position with me still on it. I pointed out that it might just be easier for me to move myself. so, I ended up shimmying around the table until I made it into the correct position. Again, equipment all in place. Ladies, if you've had a pap, you know to which equipment I'm referring.....

Now, the x-ray test she was doing was the hysterosalpingoscope the clinic needed. Let's talk about that for a second. That ridiculously long word basically means "an xray shot of the inside of your uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure nothing is blocked". They accomplish this by injecting (I think about) 30 to 60cc of water-based dye into the uterus and taking the pics. The fluid expels from the uterus into the abdominal cavity, and is reabsorbed. Now, the doc warned me that there might be some cramping when she injected the dye. Nope, none at all. However, once the pics were taken and the dye was making its way into my abdominal cavity, well that was a different story. It cramped like mad!!! And I was already having a shitty time at the clinic, so the cramping annoyed me. The MA did give me a Motrin.... but still.

Error #6: My blood work. While the orders were getting straightened out, the nurse noticed the extremely looooong list of blood tests I needed. She said, "you're planning on having these drawn at the hospital, right?". I almost came unglued. I tried to explain to her slowly, and very calmly that no. When I talked with the scheduling gal, the plan was for the mock transfer, the HSG, and the lab work all to be done at THIS appointment. That way all the results would come from the same place at the same time. So by the time I actually had my blood drawn (7 vials later)I was ready to get the hell out of that place and never go back!!!

The one hour appointment ended up taking two. And now I lament that they are the only fertility clinic in town. If they could mess up that much in one visit......

The dreaded pre-medication final screening

In the surrogacy world, before you're even considered for embryo transfer, you have to pass a medical screening put in place by whatever fertility clinic is doing the transfer. I'm assuming that the screening is fairly standard, as my two lists of "what to expect" were similar. There are blood draws for me and Chris, a pap for me, an "investigation" of my uterus to make sure it's got all the pieces and parts and functioning correctly, and a "mock transfer" (where the doc does what will happen during an actual transfer for measuring purposes). Of course, this is only after all my medical records have been reviewed.

While it's a lot of little things, it's fairly benign. For someone who has had healthy pregnancies, and no medical problems. Someone like me. But, I thought the same thing a year ago.

This was the part I was the most apprehensive about. Logically I knew I had nothing to worry about. But this is where my last surrogacy came to a screeching halt. One of my docs who had cleared me for pregnancy last year suddenly pulled the plug. This time I was cleared by three different doctors. I had it written down and in hand. I wasn't going to be derailed again....

All I has to do was "pass" these tests, then we would have the green light to move forward. To meds. To a transfer!!! I wasn't worried about the blood work at all. I had a pap with my OB a few months before, so I didn't have to do that again. So, there was the mock transfer, and something called a hysterosalpingoscope (HSG).... I think that HSG might deserve a post of its own!

Screenings

So, now we're matched!!! What comes next? Well, lots of things. Chris and I were both going to have some screening to go through and we had a legal contract to pound out before we could even think about meds and a transfer. Sounds pretty simple, right?

Like I mentioned in the last post, Ben had made it partway through a surro-journey himself the previous year. Because of this, he already has a fertility clinic he was working with and trusted. He also has frozen embryos that are ready to go. We both felt that that would put us ahead of the game. All we had to worry about was the blood work, an ultrasound or two, and a fairly straightforward contract. Right???

Well. Before I could even get orders for the needed pre-testing, I had to submit my OB and delivery records to the IVF clinic. I had to be cleared by my doc for pregnancy, and send proof of the clearance to the clinic. That alone took a little while to handle. Once I was given the green light to make a testing appointment, I called the local fertility clinic. They are going to take care of pre- and post transfer blood work and ultrasounds close to home, while the actual transfer will take place at Ben's clinic.

I have friends who have dealt with infertility. I understand that everything is based on the timing of monthly cycles. SO, I thought that I would be seen by the clinic fairly quickly based on where I was in my cycle and what our goals were for a transfer date. Um, no. I called, and I'm pretty sure my jaw hit the floor when the scheduling gal told me that, for the kind of pre-screening I needed, I was going to have to wait almost a month. A month!!!! Really??? For a blood draw and some uterine examinations????? Again, I was a bit incredulous. But, seeing as they are the only fertility clinic in town, I had no choice but to wait.

In the end, it worked out. It always does. In the month that we waited for that appointment, Chris, Ben, and I worked together to pound out a legal contract that was acceptable to all parties. Chris was able to take care of the blood work screening that he had to participate in (not a happy moment for him). Oh! And Chris and I had our personality screenings. I wrote a little about it last year.... Remember? The MMPI??? It was as crazy this year as it was last year. But this time, Chris had to do one too.... He thought it was as nuts as I did. But hey, it proved that WE aren't nuts. Really.

All leading up to my screening with the fertility clinic. The part of the journey where things fell apart for us last time.

Getting "matched"....

One of the most nerve-wracking parts of surrogacy(so far) was the being matched part. Now, we'd done this once before, and had an idea of what was going to happen. I thought I'd be less nervous, but I wasn't.

I'm horribly impatient. With the larger agency I was with before, I was surprised and impressed by how quickly the matching process went. It seemed that they mush have had couples waiting in the wings for a carrier to apply. I was afraid that it would take longer to get a match with a smaller agency- a lot longer. And I truly do suck at waiting. I had heard stories from friends about so-and-so who was listed with this and that agency, but never got a call with prospective IPs.

But Tess was great and had our profile together and out to some of her waiting IPs in no time. (Tess is my "Anna". She said I can absolutely use her real name and that she does NOT look like an Anna. She's right, she doesn't....) The hard part was waiting for the IPs to get back to Tess. Once a set of prospective parents has a profile, then they contact Tess and tell her whether or not they're interested. Some places put time limits on how long both the IPs and the carriers have to review each others' files. Some agencies don't have any time limits. I think I emailed Tess daily, and bugged her with the "have you heard anything yet???"

One morning, not very long later at all, I had a message from Tess. "Call me when you get this." Someone had seen our profile on a surro-site Tess uses, and was interested in me. Specifically in me. Tess had a phone interview with him later that morning, and if all went well, I could maybe be talking to him by later that afternoon. Holy cow!!!

Sure enough, later that afternoon, I found myself talking to Ben (made up name... ;)). Ben lives across the country from us, and is extremely excited to be a parent. Ben had also started a surrogacy journey that fell through- about the same time that Chris and I had last year. I felt like that gave us an almost instant connection. Like before, I was super nervous before our phonecall, and I paced the whole time. It happened so fast, that I didn't have anything put together. No list of questions to ask, no game plan for what we might talk about. I was flustered. So much so that I totally forgot to have him speak with Chris on the phone at all!!!

Overall, the call went well. I felt good about Ben, and I was pretty sure he felt good about me. I wasn't going to decide anything without talking to my husband, though. No matter what, this is an experience that doesn't affect just me. It was a couple days before Chris and Ben could talk, but they seemed to like each other well enough. Ben and I spoke again, too, and we got along well. I got the sense that the both of us were being cautious- maybe because we'd done it before and had things fall apart.

It happened more quietly, and with less, oh... fanfare, I guess, than the big agency. But after our phone calls and some communication with Tess, Ben was matched to our family. Or maybe our family was matched to him.

And I thought, Let the adventure truly begin......

Emotions

This time I found myself more reluctant to talk about the whole surrogacy process. I didn't tell anyone for awhile that Chris and I were pursuing surrogacy again, and when I DID talk about it, it was only to a very few. Even now, I'm still hesitant to talk about where we're at. We're further through the process, though, and it's time to start sharing again. I know I didn't talk about it much because I was afraid of something derailing our efforts again. There is so much involved in the primary steps of surrogacy, that it can go awry long before an actual embryo transfer ever takes place.

I know I've said it before, but I was so crushed when things fell apart last year. Putting yourself out there for something like this- on both ends of it- makes us very vulnerable. I've compared it to a blind date before, and I stick to that. Actually, it's a lot like online dating. Okay, I've never on-line dated. But I've been there with a few friends who have. Think about it: You fill out an intake questionnaire, create a profile, and upload a few pics. Then you wait while prospective "dates" look over your info. Then, if someone likes your profile, you "meet". In this case, it's usually over the phone. But there are a lot of pauses, and conversation shifts, and you're each trying to find your groove. In an ideal situation, it's not awkward.... but realistically it's probably pretty awkward. Then, if you "like" each other, you're matched.

You're expected to form some sort of relationship with your IPs. It's up to you (and them) what kind of relationship it is. Some people prefer a business-like experience. Some are like friends, and then others are like family. But there is some sort of relationship there.

Then comes all the screening: medical screening, psych screening, background checks, legal agreements. All points in a journey where something can come undone. If you're lucky, you make it all the way through the initial screenings to the "fun" part: meds and then a transfer. Hopefully just one transfer. Hopefully a pregnancy takes, then goes well. Finally producing a healthy baby for a very lucky parent or two.

I don't think that people think about the fact that it can end during any step of the process. You are so invested in the experience. It consumes your time, and your life as things get underway. You and your family are going to be tied to your IPs for a year at the very least. I know I was so focused on the end goal that I didn't even take the time to wonder what I would do if things didn't progress. I knew that there was a possibility that I wouldn't get pregnant, and that things would "end" then. But I never once stopped to consider that I wouldn't make it through any of the screening/initial processes.

Then it happened. Before I even got to the medical screening with N&Y's doctor. But after we had already met, and started forming a relationship with these two wonderful men. My journey ended. The possibility of something beautiful, life changing, and just overall awesome was gone.

So, coming into this a second time, I was more hesitant. What if it happened again? What if Chris and I opened up our family and our lives only to have our journey arrested before it really got anywhere? Were we really going to risk that again?

We decided to. But stepping more carefully than before. I've passed all the screenings this time, and our legal contracts are done. I start my medications soon. I feel like we're in a place where this journey is going to move forward, for better or for worse. And it's time to share the experience again.

Getting started..... again

Holy Hannah. We're actually going to do this again. Take a deep breath in. Okay. Where to start??? Well, guess I better email Anna, and see if her offer still stands. And, oh yeah, doctor clearance.

When Chris and I decided we were going to do this, I talked to one of the docs I work with. Very informally. I gave him the quick and dirty with all the problems I'd had since my gallbladder surgery, and where everything stands now. He said that it didn't sound like anything that would contraindicate pregnancy. Wanting to definitively cross all my t's and dot my i's, I made an appointment with him for a formal pre-pregnancy consultation.

Then one relatively short email later,to Anna, and I found myself filling out an application that felt very familiar to me. I sent in my little "About Us" blurb, the requisite pictures of the fam, and suddenly I was listed with an agency again.

Being listed with a smaller agency is a vastly different experience than being listed with a large agency like I was last time. I'm not sure one is better than the other, but they are certainly different.

Anyhow. Chris and I still had a same sex couple listed as out primary, oh... interest, I guess you'd call it. Anna didn't have any same-sex couples currently seeking a carrier, so Chris and I started shifting our projections to include a "traditional" hetero couple. It felt different, and not as comfortable to us both, but I figured that was the trade off for being listed with a smaller agency. Our major requirement, however, was that whomever we were carrying for had to be stateside. The international route was an adventure for sure, but one we didn't really want to repeat. Don't get me wrong, we adore N&Y (who are the proud papas of two very handsome baby boys, BTW), but the language barrier was more stressful for me than I admitted before- and now the guys are having unforeseen legal issues with birth certificate issues d/t international rules. No thank you.....

So, Anna put our profile out there. The next step was to wait, and see if we got any bites.

Moving on...

Well, here we are. More than a year after the last post on this blog. Things are very different now then they were then. For those of you who followed me before, you'll notice that 98% of my old blogs are gone. Well, this is a new year and a new journey.

I thought long and hard about posting again. I'm an awful blogger. It takes time, effort, and dedication. In my world, there's not a lot of extra time- no matter how much dedication I feel! But in the end, I think this is a great place to kick around some thoughts, and to share my feelings on any given day.

Chris and I have been back in the surrogacy game for about three months now. After everything fell through last spring, we were both pretty crushed. It took awhile to decide if this was even something we wanted to pursue again. It was something I thought a lot about, and Chris and I kicked it back and forth a lot.

Then I met, oh... let's call her Anna. (I haven't asked the people involved in my journey for permission to use their names, so I'm not going to.) Anna was a patient of mine at the hospital. And she just happens to own a surrogacy agency here in our town. Anna and I talked a lot over the time that she was in the hospital. It made me sad, and a little hopeful to talk to her. I was sad about how things had turned out for me and Chris the previous spring, but hopeful that we could give it a go again. Someday. Anna told me that, if I could get the proper clearance from my doctors, that she would take me into her agency if it was something that I wanted to pursue. I filed that in the back of my mind...

Fast forward a few months. Suddenly, I decided that I definitely wanted back into the game. I'm not sure what the catalyst was (Chris might remember, but he's not home for me to ask) but I was ready to try again. Maybe it was that we were closing in on that one year mark from the beginning of our first journey. Maybe it was that one of my friends was on track with her own surrogacy; or that other friends around me were talking about getting pregnant. But I started to desperately want it again. So, I talked to Chris. And as always, he was 100% supportive of my decision to go for it.

And here we are. It's been a very full three months, and I'm not going to retell the story all in one post. Wouldn't want you getting bored, now would we??? But I'll take you form the beginning through where we are now, and then we can share this adventure together.

Hopefully this time, we'll end up in that most coveted place: With a baby in the arms of a very deserving parent.