What everyone REALLY wants to know

What everyone really wants to know...

How are you doing??? I think this is the question Chris and I have heard the most over the last week. It's been a whole week since Mia's delivery, and during that week we've had a lot of ups- but some downs, too. I feel like, looking back on this, I'll say I was still in that post-partum haze that seems to last for two to three weeks; and maybe I am. But it doesn't mean that I'm not still living and feeling things.

I posted before that I'm a pretty emotional person. Before living the experience, I expected to miss being pregnant a little, and I expected to miss the baby a little. I was fairly certain that handing her over to her dad was going to be more of a joyous occasion than not. I was expecting that coming home to a house with no baby was going to be easy- because Chris and I were never preparing to bring a baby home. How has reality played out compared to my expectations???

Well, there have certainly been some tears, but that is normal. I was talking to a friend of mine- another surrogate who delivered a few months ago just yesterday. I'm finding that I DO miss the pregnancy more than I have in the past. But in the past, I always had the baby to care for- and there just wasn't time to miss feeling those little flips and rolls inside. Every now and then, I find myself stopping to check for movement, or putting my had on my empty belly- before remembering that there's not a baby there any more.

I do miss Mia. And I really sat and thought about that statement yesterday. I miss holding her, and snuggling with her. I'm sad that I'm not going to get to see her in person any more- except for very special occasions. But I don't miss her in our house, if that makes sense. I'm not sad that she's not mine, and not here with us all the time. It's very much like when we go visit our family.... Chris and I have 14 nieces and nephews who all live in close proximity to each other, and we are the only part of the family that lives away. We get to see everyone once or twice a year; and whenever we are on the way home, I get very sad that we don't live closer. I feel like we are missing the opportunity to have a close family bond between our nieces and nephews, and our kids their cousins. Missing Mia, for me, is a lot like that.

The moment when Jason came in to the hospital room, and I was able to hand him his daughter was one of the greatest feelings in my life. Up there with my wedding day, and the births of my own children. Handing Mia over to her father was the whole reason Chris and I embarked on this journey in the first place. This was the goal the entire time. The happiness radiating from Jason as he got to hold his little girl for the first time is something I'll never forget. When I am feeling a little sad for myself, all I have to do is think of their happiness, and I'm reminded of why we did this in the first place.

Sunday, when Jason took Mia home, was the hardest day for both me and Chris. While Mia was Jason's from the beginning, our family still 'grew' her... I treated my pregnancy with Mia exactly the same as I did my pregnancies with our own three. While the feelings weren't the same, there was still a sense of affection and love for this little girl. I don't think Chris or I were prepared to be as fond of her as we were after she was born. And as much as we knew it was coming, it really did feel weird to leave the hospital without that that infant carrier, a new little bundle snuggled inside. We knew we weren't bringing Mia home to our house to be a part of our family, but I think we both would have loved to have had her and Jason in town a little longer.

That being said, Chris and I have voiced to each other over and over how thankful we are that we entered into this journey with Jason. He has welcomed our family into his, and has given us every opportunity to be a part of his life. We were allowed to care for Mia in his absence, and he gave our family the time we needed to dote on her before taking her home. Chris and I are very aware that a lot of surrogacy situations do not go as ours did.... The baby is delivered, handed over, and the surro and her family may never get to see the baby outside of pictures from that point forward. I'm so glad our journey didn't go that way. I'm thankful that Jason is willing to keep our family updated on how he and Mia are doing. Jason and I know that we may not talk as much now as we did before she was born, but we still plan to keep in touch. And we already have a standing invite to Mia's first birthday party... ;)

So I guess reality met my expectations, but times 100. The emotions were more intense than I expected, and a few more of them cropped up than I planned for. But the overwhelming happy that we were a part of making vastly outweighs any sad feelings I've had. And I've been told (by several people) that the sad is normal; so I don't feel bad about having a few of those feelings too.

It's been amazing. And it's so strange that this part of the journey is over. A year ago, when we were just starting out, I remember feeling like a birth was that almost unattainable goal that was so far away..... And here we are. Well, here Mia is. A special little girl who has impacted the lives of our family and her own. I can't wait to see what life has in store for her.

Whirlwind Week

Whirlwind Week

After Miss Mia was born, we had to wait a full day before Jason was able to get into town. He was also traveling with his parents, and we were excited to see them all. During that time, I was able to care for Mia myself. While this wasn't part of the original plan, of course, I really appreciated this time with her. I was able to feed her and care for her, hold her and snuggle her as much as I wanted. Chris was also able to spend a good amount of time with her. Looking back, I think it was very therapeutic for us. It gave us the chance to say hello, and get to know Mia a little before we had to say goodbye.

By the time Jason and his parents arrived, though, I was so excited and ready to introduce him to his little girl!!! It was about time for her to eat again, right when we were expecting them. Chris and I wanted him to be able to feed her when he arrived, instead of having to wait another two to three hours... I wish I could remember the look on Jason's face when he walked in and I handed Mia over. I don't though; I just remember feeling so happy that he was there, and that he was finally getting to hold this special little Missy that I had been carrying for 38 weeks. Chris was able to capture the moment on video, and the family took a ton of pictures. I think....

We all sat and visited for awhile in the hospital room, and Jason and Mia got acquainted. I'm not a very social person, so I was really glad Chris was there to keep the conversation going! We signed the required paperwork, talked about hospital rules and regulations, and all the sudden Mia was no longer our responsibility. It was a little strange, but totally right. Chris and I were discharged later that night, and went home to our kids who were waiting (quite impatiently I might add ) for us.

It wasn't the last time we saw the new family, though! We had Jason, Mia, and Jason's parents over for a visit and dinner at our house on Friday night. My parents were in town as well, and it was a great visit. I wanted to make sure our kids had a chance to meet Mia and hold her- they had been a part of this experience too, and they needed a chance to say hello & goodbye. Saturday night we all went out to dinner again, for one last visit. Then Sunday morning, it was back home for Jason, Mia, and Grandma and Grandpa. Looking back, the week flew by!!!

I'm very thankful for all the time that me and my family were allowed to have with Mia. I realize in similar situations, this isn't possible- or even taken into consideration. Chris and I feel like we have added to our extended family through this experience, and look forward to what the future brings.

Delivery

Delivery

Here we are on Easter Sunday, 2 days from our planned induction date. Jason, Chris, and I knew awhile ago that delivery probably wasn't going to go quite like we were planning. Even my mom was expecting Little Miss to come a little early.

The night of April 2nd, I just didn't sleep well. Looking back, I think I was contracting a lot of the night. I remember tossing and turning, waking up often, and generally just not sleeping well. At 5am, my contractions were starting to come every three minutes, and I just couldn't sleep through them any more. They weren't awful, but definitely more than just the tightening that I had been having. I stayed in bed for the next 45 minutes or so. Finally I decided to get up and shower, then go eat some toast and just putter around the house for awhile- just to see if the contractions kept up.

My bathroom is about 7 steps from the side of my bed. As soon as my feet hit the linoleum, I felt this strange little.... give... is the only way I can describe it. Then there was a little bit of warm wet on my legs. All I could think was "Holy crap, I think my water just broke!!!". So I stood there for a couple more minutes. Sure enough, when I moved, a little clear, but pink tinged fluid hit the floor. Part of me was relieved... Now I didn't have to mess around with irregular contractions, wondering when I should go into the hospital. So, I woke up Chris and had him work on getting someone over to the house to watch the kids. I took a quick shower, and off to the hospital we went!

When we got to the hospital, labor and delivery was packed to the gills! Apparently most of the babies in our area decided they needed to come on April 3rd, too.... One of my very best friends stayed over-after already working a 12 hour night shift- to be my nurse. On the way in, I was doubting myself about breaking my water because I never had more than a little trickle at a time. Buuuttt.... as soon as I sat down in the triage bed, I flooded the thing! I was 4cm dilated and definitely ruptured.

I was admitted at 7:30 that morning. By 8, I was set up in my room with my IV, my husband, and my best friend. Chris had run into my doctor in the elevator (as he was going off call), and he was wonderful enough to stay on for me too. The only- really LARGE- kink in the karma of the morning was that Jason wasn't there! We called him as soon as we were sure we were staying, and wouldn't you know it, there were NO flights available into our city.... All day!!! I knew the baby would most likely be delivered before he could get there, but Chris and I were really bummed that he wasn't going to be able to hop a flight and get started on the journey in.

My labor progressed fairly quickly, which is normal for me. I was 5-6 cm with an epidural by 1030, and probably the most comfortable I'd been in a week! My bestie finally got to go home, and another of my favorite nurses took over our care. She was the nurse I had when my oldest was born, so it was almost like coming full circle! We think I was probably ready to push between 1230 and 1pm, but my doc had a complicated patient in the office, and we were waiting for him to come over to the hospital. In that time, though, we realized that we could Face Time with Jason via our various Apple products. So, he was going to "be there" for delivery after all!!! We love technology....

At 1:29pm, in the presence of my husband, some of my very good friends, and her daddy (via FT), Little Mia Ryan G. Made her entrance into the world. She was tiny, screaming, and perfect. It was a fast delivery, emotional and fantastic, and I couldn't have asked for a better experience.
Jason was able to "hang out" with us for awhile, and watch all of Mia's clean up. It was so sweet to be able to hold her, and meet this little person who was so special in so many people's lives.