It never ceases to amaze me how fast the time goes. It's been a year and a half since we first started talking with Johnny and Seth. In that time we've had three visits, on both sides of the country, 2 IVF transfers, one miscarriage, and the birth of one incredible boy. Yet it seems like we just started contemplating our whole journey!
I had my court appointment yesterday to terminate my parental rights to Levi. In the state where we live, this is the final step of the surrogacy process. So, Journey #2 is officially over. I've said it before... At the beginning of the whole process, I feel like the birth of a child is that almost unattainable goal at the end of a long tunnel with no end in sight. The first stages are full of appointments, and medications, and anxiety, and hope. Then the pregnancy itself is 9 whole months! That should take for.ev.er to pass, right? Well, it really doesn't..... I can't believe it is December, and that Levi is here, that I'm not pregnant any more. It goes SO fast looking back on everything. Which is why I try my hardest to pay attention to, and cherish, every moment.
I've been blessed with two incredible families to carry for. I say that my second journey is "over", but I know that that really isn't the case. The legal processes are done, and Levi is here and settled with his family, but this is not "the end" for us. Chris, our kids, and I have been accepted into the hearts and lives of two amazing families. Our family has expanded to include everyone as well. At the risk of sounding really mushy and cliche, surrogacy has brought us so much more than two beautiful children.
I feel peaceful after this second journey. It took me a few days to put my finger on the right word for my feelings, but I settled on peaceful. It's been almost two weeks since Levi was born. He came early on a Monday morning, and left for home with his family Thursday afternoon. In the three days after his delivery, I was able to spend as much time as I wanted with Levi- and S&J. They allowed me the things that are important to me after delivery- time being the biggest one. I was able to feed Levi, change him, snuggle him, and show him off to my friends and family. The last night we were in the hospital, Seth and Johnny got one last night of baby-free sleep at their hotel, gifting me with uninterrupted time with Levi. Between Wednesday afternoon and Thursday afternoon I think we packed in a week's worth of visits- pictures, food, messages, and being together, our family and theirs. And then it was time for them to take Levi home.
The goodbyes are always hard. Our family "grew" this beautiful baby for 39.3 weeks. I carried him with love, the same way that I carried my own babies. I was more prepared for the emotions this time- the love that I felt for this child that wasn't mine, the inevitable separation when it was time for me to step back from being the care giver and turning that role over to his parents, the bittersweet of our last "see you soon, and this is NOT goodbye" at the hotel on Thursday morning.... Our experience with Jason and Mia prepared me for all that. But it still sucked (lol). Suddenly, Chris and I wished we lived a whole lot closer to the East coast- or that everyone would move out our way!
I say I'm peaceful because settling back into our "normal" routines at home was easier this time. I think it's because we have done this before. After Mia went home, I struggled a little bit with not having a baby to care for. Chris and I were used to bringing home that new little bundle from the hospital and having our world turned upside down for awhile. And here I was, newly delivered, with no baby at home. For about a week, I felt as though something was missing. After Seth and Johnny took Levi home, I expected to feel the same way; I watched for it, prepared to tell everyone I was doing okay- but maybe lying just a little. But that missing feeling never came, and it still hasn't. I am perfectly content with my little family here, getting back to "normal", and enjoying my time off from work. I talk to S&J at least once a day right now, and love getting their updates- or just chatting like we did before Levi was here.
It helps knowing that these people are a part of our lives now. I won't ever have to wonder how Mia and Levi are doing, how they are growing, if they are loved. Even if our contact tapers off, I know that we'll still be included in milestone moments and life's big events. Chris, and the kids, and I may be that branch of crazy family that lives really far away, but we will still be family. Who knew when we started down the surrogacy path all those years ago that our lives would be enriched in so many ways? These experiences have turned into so much more than I ever expected them to be, and I am grateful for every moment- all the ups and the downs.
So, it's come to that time again. Time to say goodbye to another surrogacy journey, time to say goodbye to my surro blog. Already, my friends are asking me "Do you think you'll do this again???". And my answer is "Well, it's just too soon to tell". I already miss being pregnant- there is something truly magical about growing another life inside you, and feeling that little person start to move and grow. Bringing new life into the world is one of the most amazing, special feelings... And even after a difficult delivery, I can look back and say I would do it all over again. So who knows? Maybe in a couple years, I can revisit this blog and share another journey with you. We'll just have to wait and see.
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
pregnancy ticker
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Saturday, December 7, 2013
He's Here!!!!
Wow. I can't believe it's over..... Again.
The last post left us at 39 weeks, and waiting for this little man to arrive in the world. Seth, Johnny, Joan, and Mike were all here; we celebrated Thanksgiving together, and everyone was settling in to wait. Friday came and went, Saturday came and went.... I was having contractions every now and then, but nothing that resembled labor. We were all beginning to think I was going to make my next doctor's appointment that following Tuesday!
Sunday morning, I was up early with contractions again. But just like the previous two or three nights, the contractions completely stopped after about three hours. We made plans to meet everyone for lunch, then go wander around the Festival of the Trees- a yearly holiday activity one of the hospitals puts on. It was gray and gloomy outside, and I don't think anyone was really up for going out, but we all went anyway. Afterward, S&J came back to our house with us. We were going to just veg on the couch, watch movies, and eat popcorn and chocolate covered goodies.
We hadn't been home for very long when I finally decided we should probably head to the hospital and get checked out. I'll spare you the details, but I had been having some leaking throughout the day. After consulting with a couple of my nurse friends (at almost the end of the day, of course) I told Chris we should probably go in. I didn't think what I was leaking was amniotic fluid, so I didn't want to get S&J all excited by announcing that I thought my water had broken. Instead I had to use the really vague "there's something going on, but I'm not really sure what......".
So, we had a friend come watch the kids while S&J and Chris and I headed down to the hospital. In triage, I told my nurse (also one of the friends I'd "consulted") that I still didn't think it was amniotic fluid.... And after seeing it, she wasn't sure that it was either. But guess what??? It was. lol... How long have I been doing this? 12+ years??? Just goes to show that it's not always easy to tell what is going on. Turns out, I had what we call a "high leak"; I was leaking just little amounts of fluid at a time- not enough to soak anything, or even make me feel wet. The "weirdness" I was seeing all day was these tiny amounts of fluid- but there was meconium in the fluid, which made it look green.
It was Baby Day!!!! Or Baby Night, as it was about 8pm by then.... Since I wasn't sure exactly how long I'd been ruptured, it was decided to start some pitocin. I had been leaking all day with no spontaneous contractions, so I didn't think waiting any longer would change anything. I had a great friend as my labor nurse, and it wasn't too long before we were all settled in our room. Labor room 2408, where Aiden, Paige, and Finn had all made their entrance into the world. Mia came on a day where all our rooms were full, so I didn't get to pick my room that day.... Chris went home to collect Aiden and Paige, who both desperately wanted to be there for delivery.
I was about 5cm dilated when I was admitted. My nurse and I expected my labor to progress fairly quickly after starting the pitocin. That was, after all, my history. I figured we would start the pitocin, get into a good labor pattern, get an epidural, and deliver a couple hours later. We started the pit around 10, and I was ready to get an epidural by midnight. My contractions weren't very strong, and I wasn't leaking much fluid so I was a little worried this might not be as quick as we originally thought. After the epidural, the "high leak" popped, and my water broke completely. So much for worrying about not leaking much.... there ended up being a TON of fluid in there. My nurse and I joked that the baby was probably only 5 or 6 pounds because all the fluid had to have taken up the rest of the space! But, I was still only 5cm dilated. At 2am, I was 7cm. My nurse and I started to wonder what was going on. This was not going as expected. So everyone settled in and tried to doze or sleep a little- the kids were sleeping and doing great.
At 4am, I was still 7cm. The baby was lower, and my cervix was thinned out, but I was still only 7. So, I really started turning side to side with some sitting straight up in between. My contraction pattern was good, the baby was looking great, but this delivery just wasn't happening. The next little bit of time runs together for me. The moving around was working, and I was getting more uncomfortable. I know at one point I was 8cm, then 9cm- both numbers I hadn't seen before. "Usually" I would power through from 7 to 10 with no inbetween. Finally, finally, my nurse said she was going to call the doctor in and I could push soon. I could feel the baby's head moving down, and it was getting worse with every contraction. I was shaking, and uncomfortable, and teary. This was definitely NOT the graceful delivery I had anticipated.
I looked up my delivery record afterward. They called me 10cm at 528 in the morning. Seth and Johnny, Aiden and Paige were up and ready. Chris was on one side of me and my nurse on the other. First contraction I was able to push the kiddo down to almost crowning, but it was hard!!! The second contraction was harder, but they all said his head was out. I sure couldn't tell- there was no sense of relief like I had felt before. By now, I think I was hyperventilating and I know I was crying. I couldn't breathe, and it all hurt, and the baby wasn't coming out! Turns out, he really was stuck. I was in the midst of what we call a shoulder dystocia. The kiddo's head delivered, but his shoulders were wide enough that they wouldn't fit under my pubic bone- at least not without a lot of help. Lucky for baby, and for me, the doctor who was on call that night is very good with that kind of thing. After a lot of work, and a huge amount of group effort, Baby Levi finally made his way into the world. He was quickly handed off to the NICU team who were there and waiting- both for the meconium, and now the shoulder dystocia. Before too long, I heard his sweet cry, and they told me he was okay. The doctor looked at me and said "I'm serious when I say this.... I think that baby is over 10 pounds!". I think I cried a little harder.
Baby Levi
December 2, 2013, 534am
9 pounds, 10 ounces 21.5 inches long
My longest pregnancy, at 39.3 days. My biggest baby. One of my longest labors. Mr. Levi broke some pretty impressive records. My nurse and I looked at each other and said, "that's why this labor took so long!!!'.....
But I would do every second of it over again to bring this miracle into the world.
The last post left us at 39 weeks, and waiting for this little man to arrive in the world. Seth, Johnny, Joan, and Mike were all here; we celebrated Thanksgiving together, and everyone was settling in to wait. Friday came and went, Saturday came and went.... I was having contractions every now and then, but nothing that resembled labor. We were all beginning to think I was going to make my next doctor's appointment that following Tuesday!
Sunday morning, I was up early with contractions again. But just like the previous two or three nights, the contractions completely stopped after about three hours. We made plans to meet everyone for lunch, then go wander around the Festival of the Trees- a yearly holiday activity one of the hospitals puts on. It was gray and gloomy outside, and I don't think anyone was really up for going out, but we all went anyway. Afterward, S&J came back to our house with us. We were going to just veg on the couch, watch movies, and eat popcorn and chocolate covered goodies.
We hadn't been home for very long when I finally decided we should probably head to the hospital and get checked out. I'll spare you the details, but I had been having some leaking throughout the day. After consulting with a couple of my nurse friends (at almost the end of the day, of course) I told Chris we should probably go in. I didn't think what I was leaking was amniotic fluid, so I didn't want to get S&J all excited by announcing that I thought my water had broken. Instead I had to use the really vague "there's something going on, but I'm not really sure what......".
So, we had a friend come watch the kids while S&J and Chris and I headed down to the hospital. In triage, I told my nurse (also one of the friends I'd "consulted") that I still didn't think it was amniotic fluid.... And after seeing it, she wasn't sure that it was either. But guess what??? It was. lol... How long have I been doing this? 12+ years??? Just goes to show that it's not always easy to tell what is going on. Turns out, I had what we call a "high leak"; I was leaking just little amounts of fluid at a time- not enough to soak anything, or even make me feel wet. The "weirdness" I was seeing all day was these tiny amounts of fluid- but there was meconium in the fluid, which made it look green.
It was Baby Day!!!! Or Baby Night, as it was about 8pm by then.... Since I wasn't sure exactly how long I'd been ruptured, it was decided to start some pitocin. I had been leaking all day with no spontaneous contractions, so I didn't think waiting any longer would change anything. I had a great friend as my labor nurse, and it wasn't too long before we were all settled in our room. Labor room 2408, where Aiden, Paige, and Finn had all made their entrance into the world. Mia came on a day where all our rooms were full, so I didn't get to pick my room that day.... Chris went home to collect Aiden and Paige, who both desperately wanted to be there for delivery.
I was about 5cm dilated when I was admitted. My nurse and I expected my labor to progress fairly quickly after starting the pitocin. That was, after all, my history. I figured we would start the pitocin, get into a good labor pattern, get an epidural, and deliver a couple hours later. We started the pit around 10, and I was ready to get an epidural by midnight. My contractions weren't very strong, and I wasn't leaking much fluid so I was a little worried this might not be as quick as we originally thought. After the epidural, the "high leak" popped, and my water broke completely. So much for worrying about not leaking much.... there ended up being a TON of fluid in there. My nurse and I joked that the baby was probably only 5 or 6 pounds because all the fluid had to have taken up the rest of the space! But, I was still only 5cm dilated. At 2am, I was 7cm. My nurse and I started to wonder what was going on. This was not going as expected. So everyone settled in and tried to doze or sleep a little- the kids were sleeping and doing great.
At 4am, I was still 7cm. The baby was lower, and my cervix was thinned out, but I was still only 7. So, I really started turning side to side with some sitting straight up in between. My contraction pattern was good, the baby was looking great, but this delivery just wasn't happening. The next little bit of time runs together for me. The moving around was working, and I was getting more uncomfortable. I know at one point I was 8cm, then 9cm- both numbers I hadn't seen before. "Usually" I would power through from 7 to 10 with no inbetween. Finally, finally, my nurse said she was going to call the doctor in and I could push soon. I could feel the baby's head moving down, and it was getting worse with every contraction. I was shaking, and uncomfortable, and teary. This was definitely NOT the graceful delivery I had anticipated.
I looked up my delivery record afterward. They called me 10cm at 528 in the morning. Seth and Johnny, Aiden and Paige were up and ready. Chris was on one side of me and my nurse on the other. First contraction I was able to push the kiddo down to almost crowning, but it was hard!!! The second contraction was harder, but they all said his head was out. I sure couldn't tell- there was no sense of relief like I had felt before. By now, I think I was hyperventilating and I know I was crying. I couldn't breathe, and it all hurt, and the baby wasn't coming out! Turns out, he really was stuck. I was in the midst of what we call a shoulder dystocia. The kiddo's head delivered, but his shoulders were wide enough that they wouldn't fit under my pubic bone- at least not without a lot of help. Lucky for baby, and for me, the doctor who was on call that night is very good with that kind of thing. After a lot of work, and a huge amount of group effort, Baby Levi finally made his way into the world. He was quickly handed off to the NICU team who were there and waiting- both for the meconium, and now the shoulder dystocia. Before too long, I heard his sweet cry, and they told me he was okay. The doctor looked at me and said "I'm serious when I say this.... I think that baby is over 10 pounds!". I think I cried a little harder.
December 2, 2013, 534am
9 pounds, 10 ounces 21.5 inches long
My longest pregnancy, at 39.3 days. My biggest baby. One of my longest labors. Mr. Levi broke some pretty impressive records. My nurse and I looked at each other and said, "that's why this labor took so long!!!'.....
But I would do every second of it over again to bring this miracle into the world.
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