When my stomach rules my world...

We've talked about the whole pregnancy nausea thing.  The experience has been different for me this time....  I wake up with nausea, I watch TV with nausea, I go to work with nausea; it goes on errands with me, and helps the kids with their homework.  I've even learned to eat through the nausea- if I didn't, I would never eat.  Another funny thing happens during pregnancy- those weird food cravings and aversions.  Now, you would think that the nausea would influence the cravings- but I've learned that may not always be the case.  I have a friend who is just a little more pregnant than me, and she doesn't have any nausea at all.  She does, however, have cravings. 

It's always interesting when these food oddities hit.  You're going out to dinner with friends and someone says "where do you want to eat?".  Usually I'm all, "wherever, I'm not picky about restaurants".  Now, I must ask my stomach. 

Me:  Texas Roadhouse?
My stomach: Around all that meat???  Gross.  No.
Me:  Baja Fresh?
My stomach:  Hmmmm....  We usually love Mexican food.  But no.
Me:  Olive Garden?
Stomach:  No.
Me (getting annoyed): Why not?  We LOVE the Olive Garden!!!
My stomach:  I don't know.  Just no.
Me:  Chili's?
My stomach: Oohhhhhh... We can get mashed potatoes there.  That would be okay.

I have similar conversations with my stomach now for almost every meal or snack.  There is a very short list of things that are always okay, but it's nice to have a few things to fall back on. 

Then there is the phenomena of I MUST HAVE AND EAT THAT IMMEDIATELY.  It can strike at any time, or in any place.  Friday night, my stomach (uterus????) decided that we must have orange juice IMMEDIATELY.  I was tasked to the cafeteria to buy some as soon as possible.  Here's the thing about cafeteria orange juice- it's Ocean Spray.  While it is pulp free, it has the distinction of being the most awful OJ out there.  I drank it anyway.  And kind of liked it.  Lucky for me, my fantastic hubby headed to the store and bought me 2 gallons of Minute Maid the next day.  With a little help from the kids, we made it through the 2 gallons in about three days.  And cold OJ?  Still my beverage of choice.  We'll see how long that lasts....

It's always an adventure to see what cravings and aversions each pregnancy brings.  One constant remains throughout them all, though....  Chicken makes me want to barf. 

There's a party in my uterus

Who knew embryos knew how to party???

I had a pretty good idea that things were progressing well in my uterus.  The all-day nausea and aversion to Diet Coke being classic signs and all.  Still, we were all waiting for that first ultrasound....  There's something about seeing that heartbeat that just makes me feel so much better.  And then we were finally going to answer that nagging little question- one baby or two???  (Although the chance of twins was less likely since we only transferred one embryo, the chance was still there...)

When we went in for the first ultrasound last December, I remember I was really nervous.  We had been planning to try and Face Time with Seth and Johnny, and all I could think was "but what if something's wrong?  What if we don't see a heartbeat?  Maybe we shouldn't Face Time this.....".  I was a tiny bit relieved when there was no wifi to connect to in the office.  And then the ultrasound was not what we were hoping for. 

Friday, headed to the clinic, I wasn't nervous at all.  I was hoping that we would get good pictures of the embryo, and that we would be able to see a great heartbeat.  Because I've been more nauseated than usual, I was wondering if there really might be two babies in there.  But it was all happy anticipation.  There was no trepidation at all as I got up onto that table, or when the tech got that probe all ready to go.

When the picture resolved itself on the screen, it was exactly what we were hoping to see- a lake of black fluid, a yolk sac, and a grain of rice with a flutter in it's midsection.  Whew!  I asked the tech to really look around in there, but our little Sethbryo hadn't split.  Just one healthy, heart happily beating baby-to-be in there.

The tech got an unusual shot....  It looks like little Sethbryo is standing up in my uterus holding onto a balloon (the yolk sac).  Little bean is having a party to celebrate!

Looking good

I had our 20 day beta draw on Monday morning.  The number came back at 5,036!  :)
Looks like our little Sethbryo is hanging in there and growing right on track.  I'm starting to get anxious for our first ultrasound.  There is something about seeing that little beating heart that eases my mind and my nerves. 

I was looking back on really old posts the other day.  I realized that with my first surro experience, I talked a lot more about what I was feeling.  This time, I almost feel like I'm just relating the experiences as they come along.  Not better or worse, just different.  But I thought maybe I'd share some feelings this post....

When we got that first round of betas back, all the way back in November, I knew that something wasn't right.  Not that something was wrong, but just that it wasn't right.  I didn't know where the pregnancy was going or what the outcome would be but it just didn't feel like any of the other pregnancies I had had.  I tried to stay upbeat and positive, but a lot of days it was hard.  I never wanted to show my doubts to Seth and Johnny because I didn't want them to worry.  We were all focusing on a positive outcome and hoping with all our might.  But in the end, I wasn't very surprised when the pregnancy didn't make it.  They say that many, many women can tell when something is not right with their pregnancies- even before anything happens or is confirmed.  I never really made any plans for the spring or summer based on where I would be in my pregnancy, never got out the early embryonic pictures to look at with the kids, or hunted down an app for my phone that talked about fetal development and "what's happening this week".  I didn't even know exactly what our due date was going to be until a couple weeks after our transfer.  It wasn't that I didn't want to do these things- it was just that doing those things didn't feel right.  I kept telling myself it was "too soon". 

Fast forward to now.  Even though we have proof positive that our betas are in a healthier place, I've just felt better about this pregnancy from the beginning.  My body is telling me that things are going on in there.  My heart is quiet and happy.  We're 5 weeks in, and I've hunted down that fetal development app, and looked to see how pregnant I will be on birthdays, and during the time I took off this summer.  I haven't looked at the embryo pictures with the kids, but they haven't asked about them either...  ;)  I feel like telling more people that I'm pregnant again (even though I won't.  I still have a strong desire to keep it quiet at work).  I'm already thinking about what I'm going to wear later this summer and appreciating that I'm not going to have to dress in layers while pregnant until close to the very end!

There are ups and downs in every pregnancy, and no pregnancy is "picture perfect".  I just feel in my heart that we are on the right track this time, and that we are going to make it through those scary first weeks (and that scary first trimester) this time.  My fingers are crossed as I say this though, because I never, never want to tempt fate!!!

Holy nausea, Batman!

I have a love/ hate relationship with "morning sickness".

First of all, whoever dubbed it "morning" sickness was wrong.  I feel fine in the morning.  I feel fine in the early afternoon.  I get hit with nausea and the inability to look at food starting between 330 and 430 in the afternoon, and it lasts until I go to bed.  It's been this way through every one of my pregnancies....  Perhaps we should just call it "pregnancy sickness". 

How could anyone love any part of that jazz you ask?  Well, the nausea lets me know that everything is on the right track in there.  In the very beginning, when the baby in question is the size of a poppyseed or a gummy bear or whatever other food analogy you want to give it, you have no way of knowing if it is okay in there.  I can't feel the baby move, my belly just looks chubby- not beautifully pregnantly round... there are no other cues that there is anything different going on in there.  So, while feeling green isn't my favorite way to spend half of the day, I actually kinda like it.  If I've got enough nausea to make me uncomfortable, then something must be right in there.

Let's talk about the timing of said pregnancy sickness.  I usually come down with this loveliness anywhere between 6 and 8 weeks' along.  Thank heavens I'm not a puker, I imagine that would be miserable, but nausea is debilitating in it's own way.  This last week, I haven't had what I consider full blown pregnancy nausea, but my stomach has been increasingly unsettled as the days go on.  How far along are you again??? you ask.  5 weeks tomorrow.  That's right; unsettled stomach and nausea starting in week 4.  For me, this is new territory.  I have a friend who is having a grand time teasing me that our one little Sethbryo split in there and that I'm now carrying TWO little Sethbryos....  HA! Only the ultrasound will tell.....

But I'll tell you what.  After our experience last pregnancy, I'm embracing every moment of yuckiness that I feel.  The fact that I feel like this this soon can only mean that things are growing and developing right along in there.  That's what my fingers are crossed for anyway.  If this little embryo wants to let me know that all is well by making me feel like I've just been on the Tilt a Whirl at the fair, then bring it on.

One year later

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly time passes.  My mom always told me it would go faster and faster the older I got, but I never really believed her.  Until I had kids of my own.  Somehow, having children makes time speed up until it's passing in a mind boggling blur.  I seems like just last year that Chris and I were welcoming our first baby into our lives- he will be 10 in May.  And Mia, our beloved surro-baby that we welcomed just last week?  Well, she was one year old yesterday!

On our special girl's first birthday, I took some time to think about the last year.  Surrogacy is such a life changing experience.  A year ago today, Chris and I were getting ready to introduce this little miracle girl to her dad and her grandparents.  We were sad that it was time for us to let her go, but also so excited to see her with the family that had been anxiously awaiting her arrival.  There was an overwhelming sense of joy and accomplishment that we were a part of creating a family.

In the first couple weeks after Jason and Mia went home, I struggled a little bit with a sense of loss.  After taking home three children of my own, it felt a little like something was missing.  I was pregnant, I delivered, but there was no baby in my home to take care of.  I was afraid to say these things out loud or to anyone else though. I was afraid someone on the outside would mistake the feelings I was having for feelings of wanting to have kept Mia.  But as I struggled with that sense of loss, never once did I regret our journey, or begrudge that Mia was with her dad.  That was the entire point of our surrogacy experience.  I just had to convince that biological imperative to mother that lives deep inside me that we were okay without a newborn in the house. 

I have a few friends who had babies the same time I had Mia.  As the year went on, I would watch them with their babies.  Through the milestones that they passed, their easy times and their hard times, I just smiled.  I would think of Mia with Jason- that she was probably doing some of the same things at the same time- and I was happy that they were experiencing those milestones together.  I was relieved that I wasn't the one living through those infant moments again!

When Mia was a newborn, looking at her pictures was a little bittersweet for me- my brain knew she belonged with Jason, but my body missed holding her.  Now, I see her pictures and I see a beautiful, happy little girl who is so loved, and it is just sweet- the sadness is gone.  The thought that I carried her and gave birth to her is never my first thought anymore.  It is heartwarming to see Jason and Mia growing together, and I just melt when I see how much she loves her daddy.

Chris and I remain thankful and grateful for our relationship with Jason.  We don't get the chance to talk as much as we used to, but we still make an effort to keep in touch.  We get pictures of Mia regularly, some video, and we even manage to Face Time every now and then.  They are our family.