One year later

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly time passes.  My mom always told me it would go faster and faster the older I got, but I never really believed her.  Until I had kids of my own.  Somehow, having children makes time speed up until it's passing in a mind boggling blur.  I seems like just last year that Chris and I were welcoming our first baby into our lives- he will be 10 in May.  And Mia, our beloved surro-baby that we welcomed just last week?  Well, she was one year old yesterday!

On our special girl's first birthday, I took some time to think about the last year.  Surrogacy is such a life changing experience.  A year ago today, Chris and I were getting ready to introduce this little miracle girl to her dad and her grandparents.  We were sad that it was time for us to let her go, but also so excited to see her with the family that had been anxiously awaiting her arrival.  There was an overwhelming sense of joy and accomplishment that we were a part of creating a family.

In the first couple weeks after Jason and Mia went home, I struggled a little bit with a sense of loss.  After taking home three children of my own, it felt a little like something was missing.  I was pregnant, I delivered, but there was no baby in my home to take care of.  I was afraid to say these things out loud or to anyone else though. I was afraid someone on the outside would mistake the feelings I was having for feelings of wanting to have kept Mia.  But as I struggled with that sense of loss, never once did I regret our journey, or begrudge that Mia was with her dad.  That was the entire point of our surrogacy experience.  I just had to convince that biological imperative to mother that lives deep inside me that we were okay without a newborn in the house. 

I have a few friends who had babies the same time I had Mia.  As the year went on, I would watch them with their babies.  Through the milestones that they passed, their easy times and their hard times, I just smiled.  I would think of Mia with Jason- that she was probably doing some of the same things at the same time- and I was happy that they were experiencing those milestones together.  I was relieved that I wasn't the one living through those infant moments again!

When Mia was a newborn, looking at her pictures was a little bittersweet for me- my brain knew she belonged with Jason, but my body missed holding her.  Now, I see her pictures and I see a beautiful, happy little girl who is so loved, and it is just sweet- the sadness is gone.  The thought that I carried her and gave birth to her is never my first thought anymore.  It is heartwarming to see Jason and Mia growing together, and I just melt when I see how much she loves her daddy.

Chris and I remain thankful and grateful for our relationship with Jason.  We don't get the chance to talk as much as we used to, but we still make an effort to keep in touch.  We get pictures of Mia regularly, some video, and we even manage to Face Time every now and then.  They are our family.