Answers...

.... And a sad goodbye.

We had our scheduled ultrasound on Wednesday morning...  Yesterday, I guess.  It was me and Linda again.  We were both pretty quiet and reserved.  Up on the table, get everything ready to go.  As soon as the picture resolved itself on the screen, I knew.  There was that little black gestational sac again, but it looked... the same.  Tiny.  It should be getting bigger, growing as the baby grows.  This one wasn't any bigger.  Then zoom in a little closer, and there is the embryo....  small and shadowy.  We both looked closer, then looked at each other- no cardiac movement. Linda checked again... and then again, just to be sure.

Our bright little soul decided that it wasn't ready for another adventure here on earth. 

After our ultrasound last Wednesday, I cried.  I was so sad, scared, and worried.  I desperately wanted everything to turn out all right. All yesterday, I was sulky, grumpy, and mad.  We did everything right!  This shouldn't be happening.... We worked so hard for this, all of us. 

I know, I know, nothing we could do...  Nothing I could do..... Doesn't make it any easier. 

I imagine that the loss of any pregnancy is terrible.  I feel like the loss of a surrogate pregnancy- in its own way- is worse.  As a surrogate, you are "given" your IP's most treasured, desired, and wished-for dream to hold and keep safe.  You take medication, keep yourself healthy, and do everything in your power to make sure that their dream is nurtured and grows into this beautiful reality of a child.  When something happens, and that dream is arrested almost before it feels real, it's devastating.  And even though it's probably silly I can't help but feel like the loss of that dream is partly my fault.  I was given their baby to hold safe, and that baby didn't survive and grow. 

So now, we take a little break.  We regroup, and rest, and take a deep breath.  We wait for my body to be not pregnant again, however long that will take. 

And then we move forward.

Still unclear

We had our follow up ultrasound on Friday morning.  We went in with fingers crossed, butterflies in our stomachs, hoping for the best.  Linda, our coordinator at the clinic, was the one who did the ultrasound.  I got up on that table, we looked at each other, and said "here we go....".

The fuzzy black screen resolved into that inside-the-uterus shot.  And there it was again,  the dark circle of amniotic fluid.  Linda moved the probe around and zoomed in a little more.  And there was the embryo.  It was bigger this time, not looking so much like a grain of rice.  I was pretty sure I could see a little flipper where the arm is supposed to grow, so that was good.  It even looked like the baby was moving a little!  Linda moved the probe around until we could get a good midline shot of the embryo.  And there is was...  a little flutter.  But there was something just a little off.  We both squinted at that screen and looked a little closer.  Cardiac movement for sure, but it was slower than it should have been.  She didn't give me a heartbeat count, and I didn't catch it, but I would guess under 100 beats a minute.  Too slow. 

I looked at Linda and asked, "What does this mean???  There's cardiac motion, but it's not fast enough.....".  She said "It's progress." 

Obviously, we were expecting to have a clearer answer.  The baby has developed a little over the course of the week, but not a full week's worth.  However, I did have two people measuring, and that can make a difference.  I was a week behind at the last ultrasound.  Linda said that she sees slower cardiac motion on some early ultrasounds right about the time the heart is developing.  So, the embryo could still be just lagging behind and it will catch up.  Or, the alternate- it could be struggling to survive and won't make it.  We just don't know yet. 

I go in for another ultrasound on Wednesday.  It never occurred to me that there could be this much uncertainty for this long.  We are all hoping for good news on Wednesday.  I think we are all also hoping for a clear answer...  Will the embryo make it or not?  The waiting and uncertainty has been very hard on us here, and I'm sure it has been difficult for Seth and Johnny, too.

Sigh....

It's so easy to write about the happy things.  It's harder to write about the things I'm unsure of or worried about.  I want this to be a place of happiness, where everything goes as expected and as well as it possibly can.  But that just isn't life or reality.  I don't like to write about my worries because I don't want Seth & Johnny to worry, and I don't want any negativity.  But keeping this blog is supposed to be about all our experiences, good, bad, and in-between.  My knee-jerk reaction is to just not blog anything until I know the outcomes of everything- then go back and tell the story behind the whatever it is. 

I feel like this transfer and everything that's happened after is swimming in ambiguity.  Nothing has been black or white, good or bad, positive or negative.  We started with the incredibly low betas.  Yep, everything doubled and continued to increase, but not quite the way the clinic likes to see.  Are we relieved?  Can we celebrate???  Well, cautiously.  And cautiously is just no fun.  I want to be able to share with my IFs, and my family, and my surro- friends YES, I'm pregnant!!!  And I'm sure Seth and Johnny want to be able to do the same with their friends and family.  None of this "Weeeelllll, we have positives, but we really should wait until the ultrasound".

Now we have the ultrasound.  I went in to the clinic this morning for our first scan.  Classically the scan to see the first heartbeat, and count how many are there.  I am 6 weeks and 6 days by dates.  We only transferred one, so I'm expecting to see one little, fluttery heartbeat.  There's a slight possibility for two, since those tricky blasts DO split sometimes, but really just expecting one. 

Our plans to Facetime with Johnny and Seth had taken a turn for the worse- none of us thought we wouldn't be able to access wifi of some kind at the clinic.  The tech didn't lose any time with that probe, either.  The blurry black of the ultrasound screen resolved into a shot of the inside of my uterus.  And there it is....  That black circle of nothingness that indicates fluid.  But it's really small....  And I don't see anything....  The tech moves the wand around, looking for a better angle.  We're both squinting at the screen.  Well, there is something...  The tech explains what we're seeing.  There is the gestational sac (the black circle of nothingness), and in that black is this shadowy thing that is a yolk.  Okay.  And when she zoomed in who knows how many times, there is this little image that looks like a grain of rice.  The fetal pole. 

So, we have a gestational sac, a yolk, and a fetal pole.  Right on track for an ultrasound at FIVE weeks 6 days gestation.....  Today, by rights, we should have been able to see a heartbeat.  But...  there were our betas that were slow to rise.  So, that could mean late implant, or slow growing embryo.  Bottom line?  We just don't know yet.  I'll have another ultrasound in a week to confirm growth and a heartbeat. We hope.  And hope and HOPE....

I want to finally be able to call Seth & Johnny with a YES!!!!  Not just a maybe.....

I kind of love this picture a little....

We have our first ultrasound in just a little over a week.  I'm about dying to see this little bean's fluttery heartbeat. 

Our last Beta

Well, our 20 day beta draw was this afternoon....  I'm only 19 days post transfer, but I guess that counts too.  The clinic was hoping to see a number around 1000. 

It's been quite the week waiting for this beta draw.  I think we have all been a little hesitant to celebrate...  Though we have a couple positives under our belt, they're not POSITIVE.  We've been waiting for that 4th number to see if the numbers are still going up. 

I've been feeling more pregnant the last week.  Sore in all the places that should be sore, appropriately tired, starting to get nauseous in the evenings, and increasingly itchy....  But maybe it's all in my head?  I manage to stay positive during the day, knowing that things are all right in there.  But at night I dream of betas in the 200s, and bleeding...  The things that I don't let myself contemplate during waking hours. 

The first few weeks that I'm pregnant are arguably the worst for me.  The physical discomfort isn't there, it's all the worrying and hoping that everything is okay.  The baby is the size of a poppyseed...  I can't see it or feel it to know that it is okay.  Those embryos just seem so fragile....  It's even too early to see anything on ultrasound.  And as a surrogate, it's not just my family that is impacted; Seth and Johnny are counting on us too. 

I have a pretty reliable uterus.  This little "oven" has done its job 4 times already without fail.  There's no reason for me to doubt its magical baby growing power now.  We have the power of positive thinking on our side!

Our beta today was 1,676.

Yes, we're all doing a happy dance.