Answers...

.... And a sad goodbye.

We had our scheduled ultrasound on Wednesday morning...  Yesterday, I guess.  It was me and Linda again.  We were both pretty quiet and reserved.  Up on the table, get everything ready to go.  As soon as the picture resolved itself on the screen, I knew.  There was that little black gestational sac again, but it looked... the same.  Tiny.  It should be getting bigger, growing as the baby grows.  This one wasn't any bigger.  Then zoom in a little closer, and there is the embryo....  small and shadowy.  We both looked closer, then looked at each other- no cardiac movement. Linda checked again... and then again, just to be sure.

Our bright little soul decided that it wasn't ready for another adventure here on earth. 

After our ultrasound last Wednesday, I cried.  I was so sad, scared, and worried.  I desperately wanted everything to turn out all right. All yesterday, I was sulky, grumpy, and mad.  We did everything right!  This shouldn't be happening.... We worked so hard for this, all of us. 

I know, I know, nothing we could do...  Nothing I could do..... Doesn't make it any easier. 

I imagine that the loss of any pregnancy is terrible.  I feel like the loss of a surrogate pregnancy- in its own way- is worse.  As a surrogate, you are "given" your IP's most treasured, desired, and wished-for dream to hold and keep safe.  You take medication, keep yourself healthy, and do everything in your power to make sure that their dream is nurtured and grows into this beautiful reality of a child.  When something happens, and that dream is arrested almost before it feels real, it's devastating.  And even though it's probably silly I can't help but feel like the loss of that dream is partly my fault.  I was given their baby to hold safe, and that baby didn't survive and grow. 

So now, we take a little break.  We regroup, and rest, and take a deep breath.  We wait for my body to be not pregnant again, however long that will take. 

And then we move forward.