.... And a sad goodbye.
We had our scheduled ultrasound on Wednesday morning... Yesterday, I guess. It was me and Linda again. We were both pretty quiet and reserved. Up on the table, get everything ready to go. As soon as the picture resolved itself on the screen, I knew. There was that little black gestational sac again, but it looked... the same. Tiny. It should be getting bigger, growing as the baby grows. This one wasn't any bigger. Then zoom in a little closer, and there is the embryo.... small and shadowy. We both looked closer, then looked at each other- no cardiac movement. Linda checked again... and then again, just to be sure.
Our bright little soul decided that it wasn't ready for another adventure here on earth.
After our ultrasound last Wednesday, I cried. I was so sad, scared, and worried. I desperately wanted everything to turn out all right. All yesterday, I was sulky, grumpy, and mad. We did everything right! This shouldn't be happening.... We worked so hard for this, all of us.
I know, I know, nothing we could do... Nothing I could do..... Doesn't make it any easier.
I imagine that the loss of any pregnancy is terrible. I feel like the loss of a surrogate pregnancy- in its own way- is worse. As a surrogate, you are "given" your IP's most treasured, desired, and wished-for dream to hold and keep safe. You take medication, keep yourself healthy, and do everything in your power to make sure that their dream is nurtured and grows into this beautiful reality of a child. When something happens, and that dream is arrested almost before it feels real, it's devastating. And even though it's probably silly I can't help but feel like the loss of that dream is partly my fault. I was given their baby to hold safe, and that baby didn't survive and grow.
So now, we take a little break. We regroup, and rest, and take a deep breath. We wait for my body to be not pregnant again, however long that will take.
And then we move forward.
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
pregnancy ticker
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Still unclear
We had our follow up ultrasound on Friday morning. We went in with fingers crossed, butterflies in our stomachs, hoping for the best. Linda, our coordinator at the clinic, was the one who did the ultrasound. I got up on that table, we looked at each other, and said "here we go....".
The fuzzy black screen resolved into that inside-the-uterus shot. And there it was again, the dark circle of amniotic fluid. Linda moved the probe around and zoomed in a little more. And there was the embryo. It was bigger this time, not looking so much like a grain of rice. I was pretty sure I could see a little flipper where the arm is supposed to grow, so that was good. It even looked like the baby was moving a little! Linda moved the probe around until we could get a good midline shot of the embryo. And there is was... a little flutter. But there was something just a little off. We both squinted at that screen and looked a little closer. Cardiac movement for sure, but it was slower than it should have been. She didn't give me a heartbeat count, and I didn't catch it, but I would guess under 100 beats a minute. Too slow.
I looked at Linda and asked, "What does this mean??? There's cardiac motion, but it's not fast enough.....". She said "It's progress."
Obviously, we were expecting to have a clearer answer. The baby has developed a little over the course of the week, but not a full week's worth. However, I did have two people measuring, and that can make a difference. I was a week behind at the last ultrasound. Linda said that she sees slower cardiac motion on some early ultrasounds right about the time the heart is developing. So, the embryo could still be just lagging behind and it will catch up. Or, the alternate- it could be struggling to survive and won't make it. We just don't know yet.
I go in for another ultrasound on Wednesday. It never occurred to me that there could be this much uncertainty for this long. We are all hoping for good news on Wednesday. I think we are all also hoping for a clear answer... Will the embryo make it or not? The waiting and uncertainty has been very hard on us here, and I'm sure it has been difficult for Seth and Johnny, too.
The fuzzy black screen resolved into that inside-the-uterus shot. And there it was again, the dark circle of amniotic fluid. Linda moved the probe around and zoomed in a little more. And there was the embryo. It was bigger this time, not looking so much like a grain of rice. I was pretty sure I could see a little flipper where the arm is supposed to grow, so that was good. It even looked like the baby was moving a little! Linda moved the probe around until we could get a good midline shot of the embryo. And there is was... a little flutter. But there was something just a little off. We both squinted at that screen and looked a little closer. Cardiac movement for sure, but it was slower than it should have been. She didn't give me a heartbeat count, and I didn't catch it, but I would guess under 100 beats a minute. Too slow.
I looked at Linda and asked, "What does this mean??? There's cardiac motion, but it's not fast enough.....". She said "It's progress."
Obviously, we were expecting to have a clearer answer. The baby has developed a little over the course of the week, but not a full week's worth. However, I did have two people measuring, and that can make a difference. I was a week behind at the last ultrasound. Linda said that she sees slower cardiac motion on some early ultrasounds right about the time the heart is developing. So, the embryo could still be just lagging behind and it will catch up. Or, the alternate- it could be struggling to survive and won't make it. We just don't know yet.
I go in for another ultrasound on Wednesday. It never occurred to me that there could be this much uncertainty for this long. We are all hoping for good news on Wednesday. I think we are all also hoping for a clear answer... Will the embryo make it or not? The waiting and uncertainty has been very hard on us here, and I'm sure it has been difficult for Seth and Johnny, too.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Sigh....
It's so easy to write about the happy things. It's harder to write about the things I'm unsure of or worried about. I want this to be a place of happiness, where everything goes as expected and as well as it possibly can. But that just isn't life or reality. I don't like to write about my worries because I don't want Seth & Johnny to worry, and I don't want any negativity. But keeping this blog is supposed to be about all our experiences, good, bad, and in-between. My knee-jerk reaction is to just not blog anything until I know the outcomes of everything- then go back and tell the story behind the whatever it is.
I feel like this transfer and everything that's happened after is swimming in ambiguity. Nothing has been black or white, good or bad, positive or negative. We started with the incredibly low betas. Yep, everything doubled and continued to increase, but not quite the way the clinic likes to see. Are we relieved? Can we celebrate??? Well, cautiously. And cautiously is just no fun. I want to be able to share with my IFs, and my family, and my surro- friends YES, I'm pregnant!!! And I'm sure Seth and Johnny want to be able to do the same with their friends and family. None of this "Weeeelllll, we have positives, but we really should wait until the ultrasound".
Now we have the ultrasound. I went in to the clinic this morning for our first scan. Classically the scan to see the first heartbeat, and count how many are there. I am 6 weeks and 6 days by dates. We only transferred one, so I'm expecting to see one little, fluttery heartbeat. There's a slight possibility for two, since those tricky blasts DO split sometimes, but really just expecting one.
Our plans to Facetime with Johnny and Seth had taken a turn for the worse- none of us thought we wouldn't be able to access wifi of some kind at the clinic. The tech didn't lose any time with that probe, either. The blurry black of the ultrasound screen resolved into a shot of the inside of my uterus. And there it is.... That black circle of nothingness that indicates fluid. But it's really small.... And I don't see anything.... The tech moves the wand around, looking for a better angle. We're both squinting at the screen. Well, there is something... The tech explains what we're seeing. There is the gestational sac (the black circle of nothingness), and in that black is this shadowy thing that is a yolk. Okay. And when she zoomed in who knows how many times, there is this little image that looks like a grain of rice. The fetal pole.
So, we have a gestational sac, a yolk, and a fetal pole. Right on track for an ultrasound at FIVE weeks 6 days gestation..... Today, by rights, we should have been able to see a heartbeat. But... there were our betas that were slow to rise. So, that could mean late implant, or slow growing embryo. Bottom line? We just don't know yet. I'll have another ultrasound in a week to confirm growth and a heartbeat. We hope. And hope and HOPE....
I want to finally be able to call Seth & Johnny with a YES!!!! Not just a maybe.....
I feel like this transfer and everything that's happened after is swimming in ambiguity. Nothing has been black or white, good or bad, positive or negative. We started with the incredibly low betas. Yep, everything doubled and continued to increase, but not quite the way the clinic likes to see. Are we relieved? Can we celebrate??? Well, cautiously. And cautiously is just no fun. I want to be able to share with my IFs, and my family, and my surro- friends YES, I'm pregnant!!! And I'm sure Seth and Johnny want to be able to do the same with their friends and family. None of this "Weeeelllll, we have positives, but we really should wait until the ultrasound".
Now we have the ultrasound. I went in to the clinic this morning for our first scan. Classically the scan to see the first heartbeat, and count how many are there. I am 6 weeks and 6 days by dates. We only transferred one, so I'm expecting to see one little, fluttery heartbeat. There's a slight possibility for two, since those tricky blasts DO split sometimes, but really just expecting one.
Our plans to Facetime with Johnny and Seth had taken a turn for the worse- none of us thought we wouldn't be able to access wifi of some kind at the clinic. The tech didn't lose any time with that probe, either. The blurry black of the ultrasound screen resolved into a shot of the inside of my uterus. And there it is.... That black circle of nothingness that indicates fluid. But it's really small.... And I don't see anything.... The tech moves the wand around, looking for a better angle. We're both squinting at the screen. Well, there is something... The tech explains what we're seeing. There is the gestational sac (the black circle of nothingness), and in that black is this shadowy thing that is a yolk. Okay. And when she zoomed in who knows how many times, there is this little image that looks like a grain of rice. The fetal pole.
So, we have a gestational sac, a yolk, and a fetal pole. Right on track for an ultrasound at FIVE weeks 6 days gestation..... Today, by rights, we should have been able to see a heartbeat. But... there were our betas that were slow to rise. So, that could mean late implant, or slow growing embryo. Bottom line? We just don't know yet. I'll have another ultrasound in a week to confirm growth and a heartbeat. We hope. And hope and HOPE....
I want to finally be able to call Seth & Johnny with a YES!!!! Not just a maybe.....
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Our last Beta
Well, our 20 day beta draw was this afternoon.... I'm only 19 days post transfer, but I guess that counts too. The clinic was hoping to see a number around 1000.
It's been quite the week waiting for this beta draw. I think we have all been a little hesitant to celebrate... Though we have a couple positives under our belt, they're not POSITIVE. We've been waiting for that 4th number to see if the numbers are still going up.
I've been feeling more pregnant the last week. Sore in all the places that should be sore, appropriately tired, starting to get nauseous in the evenings, and increasingly itchy.... But maybe it's all in my head? I manage to stay positive during the day, knowing that things are all right in there. But at night I dream of betas in the 200s, and bleeding... The things that I don't let myself contemplate during waking hours.
The first few weeks that I'm pregnant are arguably the worst for me. The physical discomfort isn't there, it's all the worrying and hoping that everything is okay. The baby is the size of a poppyseed... I can't see it or feel it to know that it is okay. Those embryos just seem so fragile.... It's even too early to see anything on ultrasound. And as a surrogate, it's not just my family that is impacted; Seth and Johnny are counting on us too.
I have a pretty reliable uterus. This little "oven" has done its job 4 times already without fail. There's no reason for me to doubt its magical baby growing power now. We have the power of positive thinking on our side!
Our beta today was 1,676.
Yes, we're all doing a happy dance.
It's been quite the week waiting for this beta draw. I think we have all been a little hesitant to celebrate... Though we have a couple positives under our belt, they're not POSITIVE. We've been waiting for that 4th number to see if the numbers are still going up.
I've been feeling more pregnant the last week. Sore in all the places that should be sore, appropriately tired, starting to get nauseous in the evenings, and increasingly itchy.... But maybe it's all in my head? I manage to stay positive during the day, knowing that things are all right in there. But at night I dream of betas in the 200s, and bleeding... The things that I don't let myself contemplate during waking hours.
The first few weeks that I'm pregnant are arguably the worst for me. The physical discomfort isn't there, it's all the worrying and hoping that everything is okay. The baby is the size of a poppyseed... I can't see it or feel it to know that it is okay. Those embryos just seem so fragile.... It's even too early to see anything on ultrasound. And as a surrogate, it's not just my family that is impacted; Seth and Johnny are counting on us too.
I have a pretty reliable uterus. This little "oven" has done its job 4 times already without fail. There's no reason for me to doubt its magical baby growing power now. We have the power of positive thinking on our side!
Our beta today was 1,676.
Yes, we're all doing a happy dance.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Breathing a little easier
I had that third beta drawn early this morning. Well, yesterday morning now, I guess.
Andddd.... (little happy dance), the number was 112!!!!
Way higher than I was hoping it would be. I was planning to be happy with anything over 60 really. I thought 75 or 80 would be cool. So 112 made me feel so much better.
I sent Johnny and Seth a text as soon as I found out, and told Chris as soon as I got home. I think there was a huge, collective sigh of relief. And a little disbelief that our number came back so good! I still feel the cautious optimism feeling. But at the same time, I feel like we can relax and celebrate a little too.
Our next draw will be the routine day 20 draw. The clinic is hoping to see a beta over 1,000. So, we're still keeping our fingers and our toes crossed, but we might have uncrossed our eyes.... :)
After that, it will be a heartbeat ultrasound!!!!
Summary:
beta #1, 6dp5dt: 2.2
beta #2, 8dp5dt: 15
beta #3, 11dp5dt: 112
Andddd.... (little happy dance), the number was 112!!!!
Way higher than I was hoping it would be. I was planning to be happy with anything over 60 really. I thought 75 or 80 would be cool. So 112 made me feel so much better.
I sent Johnny and Seth a text as soon as I found out, and told Chris as soon as I got home. I think there was a huge, collective sigh of relief. And a little disbelief that our number came back so good! I still feel the cautious optimism feeling. But at the same time, I feel like we can relax and celebrate a little too.
Our next draw will be the routine day 20 draw. The clinic is hoping to see a beta over 1,000. So, we're still keeping our fingers and our toes crossed, but we might have uncrossed our eyes.... :)
After that, it will be a heartbeat ultrasound!!!!
Summary:
beta #1, 6dp5dt: 2.2
beta #2, 8dp5dt: 15
beta #3, 11dp5dt: 112
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Clear as mud
Well. It's time for those pesky betas.
When you get pregnant without the aid of a doctor, lab equipment, and a lot of medication, you confirm with a home pregnancy test. 2 pink lines on a plastic stick brings such amazing joy, and no one ever questions the information those 2 pink lines give. With IVF, we have the betas. A number from day 6 and day 8 post transfer. If the first number doubles, then you're considered pregnant.
We got the results of my betas yesterday. According to our clinic rep, the first beta was "not negative, but very low". I actually had the result of the second beta before the clinic called. My number? 15.... If that was my beta from draw #2, then what was it the first draw???? My gut was thinking somewhere about 4 or 5. I was a little shocked when they told me what it was.... 2.2. Wow. Not negative, but very low. Well, our initial number doubled, all right- it went up almost 7 times. If the numbers were higher, we'd all be doing a happy dance, and congratulating each other on the pregnancy. As it stands, we are all just very cautiously optimistic.
Right now, I'm afraid of what's called a "chemical pregnancy". This is where there is a positive pregnancy test, and positive betas. The betas are generally low, though, and often stop going up. Or, we get to a heartbeat ultrasound and find a sac with no baby.... I know of 2 surros who had betas in the range of mine, though, who have gone on to carry perfectly healthy pregnancies.
When I got pregnant with my oldest, I tested the first day I missed my period. I got a very, very faint positive line on that HPT. But it was there! I never questioned that positive, and I never even thought of beta numbers. And I went on to have a healthy term baby.
Right now? I have 2 HPTs with positive lines. The first to rival what I got with my own pregnancy, and the second a little darker. I have betas that have doubled. But knowing the numbers this time is killing me. They're low, and just that one teeny tiny little fact is holding us all back from the celebration we deserve.
We'll have another beta drawn on Monday. I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that the number goes up again- as much as it did from that first to the second draw!
Beta #1, 6dp5dt: 2.2
Beta #2, 8dp5dt: 15
When you get pregnant without the aid of a doctor, lab equipment, and a lot of medication, you confirm with a home pregnancy test. 2 pink lines on a plastic stick brings such amazing joy, and no one ever questions the information those 2 pink lines give. With IVF, we have the betas. A number from day 6 and day 8 post transfer. If the first number doubles, then you're considered pregnant.
We got the results of my betas yesterday. According to our clinic rep, the first beta was "not negative, but very low". I actually had the result of the second beta before the clinic called. My number? 15.... If that was my beta from draw #2, then what was it the first draw???? My gut was thinking somewhere about 4 or 5. I was a little shocked when they told me what it was.... 2.2. Wow. Not negative, but very low. Well, our initial number doubled, all right- it went up almost 7 times. If the numbers were higher, we'd all be doing a happy dance, and congratulating each other on the pregnancy. As it stands, we are all just very cautiously optimistic.
Right now, I'm afraid of what's called a "chemical pregnancy". This is where there is a positive pregnancy test, and positive betas. The betas are generally low, though, and often stop going up. Or, we get to a heartbeat ultrasound and find a sac with no baby.... I know of 2 surros who had betas in the range of mine, though, who have gone on to carry perfectly healthy pregnancies.
When I got pregnant with my oldest, I tested the first day I missed my period. I got a very, very faint positive line on that HPT. But it was there! I never questioned that positive, and I never even thought of beta numbers. And I went on to have a healthy term baby.
Right now? I have 2 HPTs with positive lines. The first to rival what I got with my own pregnancy, and the second a little darker. I have betas that have doubled. But knowing the numbers this time is killing me. They're low, and just that one teeny tiny little fact is holding us all back from the celebration we deserve.
We'll have another beta drawn on Monday. I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that the number goes up again- as much as it did from that first to the second draw!
Beta #1, 6dp5dt: 2.2
Beta #2, 8dp5dt: 15
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Wishing, and hoping, and dreaming, and waiting....
Waiting is the worst, and I am awful at it.
After the embryo transfer, you're instructed to go home and "rest". Full bedrest for the rest of the first day, then two "princess days" after. Those pretty much mean stay in bed or on the couch, have people bring you food, and catch up on your DVR (and maybe even a little sleep!). After your three days, it's back to life as normal. But the entire time, eating at the back of your brain, is one question... Am I pregnant now???
The clinic here does blood tests- the Beta hcG draws, at 6 and 8 days post transfer. For me that is the Wednesday before and the Friday after Thanksgiving. They will have the results, but won't call us until Friday. With Betas, the second number is the important one. They will compare it to the first number taken (if it is not a negative from the first), looking to see if it has at least doubled in the two day period. If it has, then you are considered pregnant.
Now, I'm part of the ranks of IVF gals who just can't wait for that silly 2nd blood draw. You can bet that I'll be taking a home test at some point. With my last surrogacy, I was able to wait until a week after transfer to test. I had my bedrest, then we flew home, then I worked my three nights- so waiting wasn't that hard. This time, I had the transfer and my three days, then two days off before going back to work. And the waiting is killing me!!! I work tonight and the next two, so that will help.
I'm wondering when it will be best to take those pesky home tests though.... Last time, I got a very faint positive on 7 days post transfer. But my first blood draw is 6 days post transfer this time- do I do it on the two days of my blood draws, or wait until that 7th day??? Or do I just buy the Costco pack and do a test daily? lol....
It's very hard not to get my hopes up. I'm trying so hard to be neutral until we know for sure. I know a negative result will be... well. We all know how a negative result will feel. Since Thursday, I've dreamed both that I am pregnant and that I'm not. I've been pretty crampy, and that is usually a good sign. Then I tell myself to just be patient and wait until I can test... torturing myself and over analyzing every little twinge won't give me an answer either way.
But have I ever been known for my patience???
After the embryo transfer, you're instructed to go home and "rest". Full bedrest for the rest of the first day, then two "princess days" after. Those pretty much mean stay in bed or on the couch, have people bring you food, and catch up on your DVR (and maybe even a little sleep!). After your three days, it's back to life as normal. But the entire time, eating at the back of your brain, is one question... Am I pregnant now???
The clinic here does blood tests- the Beta hcG draws, at 6 and 8 days post transfer. For me that is the Wednesday before and the Friday after Thanksgiving. They will have the results, but won't call us until Friday. With Betas, the second number is the important one. They will compare it to the first number taken (if it is not a negative from the first), looking to see if it has at least doubled in the two day period. If it has, then you are considered pregnant.
Now, I'm part of the ranks of IVF gals who just can't wait for that silly 2nd blood draw. You can bet that I'll be taking a home test at some point. With my last surrogacy, I was able to wait until a week after transfer to test. I had my bedrest, then we flew home, then I worked my three nights- so waiting wasn't that hard. This time, I had the transfer and my three days, then two days off before going back to work. And the waiting is killing me!!! I work tonight and the next two, so that will help.
I'm wondering when it will be best to take those pesky home tests though.... Last time, I got a very faint positive on 7 days post transfer. But my first blood draw is 6 days post transfer this time- do I do it on the two days of my blood draws, or wait until that 7th day??? Or do I just buy the Costco pack and do a test daily? lol....
It's very hard not to get my hopes up. I'm trying so hard to be neutral until we know for sure. I know a negative result will be... well. We all know how a negative result will feel. Since Thursday, I've dreamed both that I am pregnant and that I'm not. I've been pretty crampy, and that is usually a good sign. Then I tell myself to just be patient and wait until I can test... torturing myself and over analyzing every little twinge won't give me an answer either way.
But have I ever been known for my patience???
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Transfer Day!!!
November 15, 2012
Today is the day!!! All the meds, all the blood tests, all the ultrasounds... All in preparation for today- we're going to transfer embryos into my uterus, and hope with all our beings that we grow a baby!
My transfer time was at 11am. But I was going to do the acupuncture as well- it takes place both before and after the transfer, so I had to be there at 10. I'm glad that the appoint time was in the morning. We pretty much got up, got everyone ready for the day, and left. The big kids went to school as usual, and Finn went to hang out with our friend Christine for a few hours.
I was more curious about the acupuncture than scared. Chris had been talking to Scott (the acupuncturist) on and off for about a week, so we knew a little of what to expect. We did NOT, however, expect him to be 6'6 tall!!! I think I came up to maybe his belly button.... He took me and Chris back to the transfer room to get us settled. Things in our room looked updated and maybe even new-ish; in stark contrast to the Regan era transfer room we had been in last time!!! lol..... Chris was able to stay in his own clothes this time, and neither of us had to wear an OR bouffant cap. After the obligatory disrobing from the waist down and wrapping myself in a sheet, we called Scott back in to get started.
I was also given that magic of magic pills at this time.... the Valium. Clinics give Valium pre-transfer to induce relaxation and to reduce the incidence of of uterine contractions with all the goings- on that will happen in there. The acupuncture was painless and quick. He was using 36 gauge needles (translation, very small)- in my feet, ears, wrists, the top of my head, and in my lower abdomen. There was maybe a little pin prick when the needles were placed, but after that, the sites only felt warm. The goal of the acupuncture was relaxation and increase blood flow to the appropriate areas. To be honest, I'm not sure if it helped with my relaxation or not- the Valium kicked in about the same time he was done placing the needles. I rested in quiet peace for about 25 minutes before he took the needles out.
Then it was transfer time! Dr. Slater came in to discuss the procedure with me. There were 12 blasts (5 day growth embryos) in the lab; 6 from Johnny and 6 from Seth. The plan was to transfer 2 of Seth's blasts, and hope for one to take, and to freeze Johnny's for a later date. As Dr. Slater was going over the paper with me, she said that we were implanting 1 blast. I said "only one???". Turns out she has just spoken to Seth, and he and Johnny had decided to just implant one embryo.... Okay, I thought, the pressure's on!
After making sire that my bladder was sufficiently full (it was...), it was time to place the embryos... uh, embryO. Even through my Valium haze, I made extra special sure to pay attention to what was going on. For all the preparation that goes on, the actual transfer is surprisingly short and uncomplicated (at least on my end). They clean the cervix off with a wash, then thread a double lumen catheter up into my uterus. Then they pull out the inner catheter and place the embryo into that. They rethread the catheter, then place the embryo in the uterus. Sr. Slater pointed out that it was placed between two air bubbles- so she could see exactly where it was going.
After the placement, I was reclined back on the table, and Scott came back in for the second round of acupuncture. This time the needles went into my hands, my legs (by my knees???), my ears, and I don't really remember if there were any more..... My bladder was super full, but I was relaxed enough that it didn't bother me too much this time. Another 20 minutes, and the needles came out, and it was time to go home.
Now comes the waiting.....
Our official Beta draws will be on Wednesday and Friday next week.
I hate waiting.
Today is the day!!! All the meds, all the blood tests, all the ultrasounds... All in preparation for today- we're going to transfer embryos into my uterus, and hope with all our beings that we grow a baby!
My transfer time was at 11am. But I was going to do the acupuncture as well- it takes place both before and after the transfer, so I had to be there at 10. I'm glad that the appoint time was in the morning. We pretty much got up, got everyone ready for the day, and left. The big kids went to school as usual, and Finn went to hang out with our friend Christine for a few hours.
I was more curious about the acupuncture than scared. Chris had been talking to Scott (the acupuncturist) on and off for about a week, so we knew a little of what to expect. We did NOT, however, expect him to be 6'6 tall!!! I think I came up to maybe his belly button.... He took me and Chris back to the transfer room to get us settled. Things in our room looked updated and maybe even new-ish; in stark contrast to the Regan era transfer room we had been in last time!!! lol..... Chris was able to stay in his own clothes this time, and neither of us had to wear an OR bouffant cap. After the obligatory disrobing from the waist down and wrapping myself in a sheet, we called Scott back in to get started.
I was also given that magic of magic pills at this time.... the Valium. Clinics give Valium pre-transfer to induce relaxation and to reduce the incidence of of uterine contractions with all the goings- on that will happen in there. The acupuncture was painless and quick. He was using 36 gauge needles (translation, very small)- in my feet, ears, wrists, the top of my head, and in my lower abdomen. There was maybe a little pin prick when the needles were placed, but after that, the sites only felt warm. The goal of the acupuncture was relaxation and increase blood flow to the appropriate areas. To be honest, I'm not sure if it helped with my relaxation or not- the Valium kicked in about the same time he was done placing the needles. I rested in quiet peace for about 25 minutes before he took the needles out.
Then it was transfer time! Dr. Slater came in to discuss the procedure with me. There were 12 blasts (5 day growth embryos) in the lab; 6 from Johnny and 6 from Seth. The plan was to transfer 2 of Seth's blasts, and hope for one to take, and to freeze Johnny's for a later date. As Dr. Slater was going over the paper with me, she said that we were implanting 1 blast. I said "only one???". Turns out she has just spoken to Seth, and he and Johnny had decided to just implant one embryo.... Okay, I thought, the pressure's on!
After making sire that my bladder was sufficiently full (it was...), it was time to place the embryos... uh, embryO. Even through my Valium haze, I made extra special sure to pay attention to what was going on. For all the preparation that goes on, the actual transfer is surprisingly short and uncomplicated (at least on my end). They clean the cervix off with a wash, then thread a double lumen catheter up into my uterus. Then they pull out the inner catheter and place the embryo into that. They rethread the catheter, then place the embryo in the uterus. Sr. Slater pointed out that it was placed between two air bubbles- so she could see exactly where it was going.
After the placement, I was reclined back on the table, and Scott came back in for the second round of acupuncture. This time the needles went into my hands, my legs (by my knees???), my ears, and I don't really remember if there were any more..... My bladder was super full, but I was relaxed enough that it didn't bother me too much this time. Another 20 minutes, and the needles came out, and it was time to go home.
Now comes the waiting.....
Our official Beta draws will be on Wednesday and Friday next week.
I hate waiting.
Superstitious much???
I am the first to admit that I am superstitious. I knock on wood, I avoid saying certain words and phrases at work, and I believe what goes around comes around. So far, I think we've all come in contact with positive signs for this transfer.... There was my dream a couple weeks ago; not only did it have significance for me, but it turned out to have some significance for Seth and Johnny too. It was one of those Twilight Zone moments when they told us..... We've had two "pregnant" bell peppers since I've started taking my meds- and I don't cut up bell peppers very often!!! The stars seem to be aligning to make this process smooth and uncomplicated...
While I can't do everything exactly the same in preparation for this transfer as I did for the last, there are some things that I can do. Tessie at the agency offers pre-pregnancy and pregnancy massage for her surros. She has also added pre-transfer acupuncture to her services. I really wanted to try acupuncture this time, but was a tiny bit bummed that I would miss out on that massage (I couldn't do both). But sitting in my email in-box, I found a coupon from the massage therapist for a free birthday massage in the month of November.... What? I'll be able to do them both??? Why, yes I will, thank you!
So, I started off my transfer week with a nice relaxing massage. Next, I went in for a pedicure. When getting ready for transfer last time, I had read that green was a good luck color for a lot of surros. So, that July I got a pedicure and had my toenails painted green. Now, I went to a different nail salon this time, and they didn't have that true kelly green polish that I loved so much- so I had to pick a different shade. I asked for the flower design on my big toe, and what she gave me was rather Christmassy (ugh), but I was prepared not to be thrilled with the design. I had landed the older lady at the salon, and usually don't like what she paints on my toes!!! What mattered was the green, though....
The night before the transfer, I took a nice, hot, relaxing bath. Johnny and Seth gifted me with a fabulous collection of bath goodies when they came to visit. They had been sitting on my kitchen table for almost a week, taunting me with their delicious smells... The one I chose for pre-transfer night was the lavender good- night one. It smelled fantastic and was sprinkled with gold dust- maybe sleep sand??? It certainly gave me a relaxing end to a busy day, and was a great send off into a restful sleep.
We had such amazing results after our last transfer, how could I not want to try and replicate that winning formula??? I know this is a different time and a different journey, but anything helps, right?
Here's hoping for positive test results!!!
While I can't do everything exactly the same in preparation for this transfer as I did for the last, there are some things that I can do. Tessie at the agency offers pre-pregnancy and pregnancy massage for her surros. She has also added pre-transfer acupuncture to her services. I really wanted to try acupuncture this time, but was a tiny bit bummed that I would miss out on that massage (I couldn't do both). But sitting in my email in-box, I found a coupon from the massage therapist for a free birthday massage in the month of November.... What? I'll be able to do them both??? Why, yes I will, thank you!
So, I started off my transfer week with a nice relaxing massage. Next, I went in for a pedicure. When getting ready for transfer last time, I had read that green was a good luck color for a lot of surros. So, that July I got a pedicure and had my toenails painted green. Now, I went to a different nail salon this time, and they didn't have that true kelly green polish that I loved so much- so I had to pick a different shade. I asked for the flower design on my big toe, and what she gave me was rather Christmassy (ugh), but I was prepared not to be thrilled with the design. I had landed the older lady at the salon, and usually don't like what she paints on my toes!!! What mattered was the green, though....
The night before the transfer, I took a nice, hot, relaxing bath. Johnny and Seth gifted me with a fabulous collection of bath goodies when they came to visit. They had been sitting on my kitchen table for almost a week, taunting me with their delicious smells... The one I chose for pre-transfer night was the lavender good- night one. It smelled fantastic and was sprinkled with gold dust- maybe sleep sand??? It certainly gave me a relaxing end to a busy day, and was a great send off into a restful sleep.
We had such amazing results after our last transfer, how could I not want to try and replicate that winning formula??? I know this is a different time and a different journey, but anything helps, right?
Here's hoping for positive test results!!!
Friday, November 16, 2012
The meds change a little...
About the same time Seth and Johnny were here to visit, my medications changed. The clinic calls them our "to go" meds. Something about that strikes me as funny, but I'm not really sure why.
So, for these "to go" meds, I continue on the daily prenatal vitamin and baby aspirin. I've added another course of antibiotics- in the form of a Z-Pack. The antibiotics are because of the procedure itself- they will be inserting foreign equipment into my body for the transfer. Even though the equipment is sterile, they don't want to take any chances. I'm taking Medrol, 2 pills twice a day. Medrol is a steroid, and it helps suppress immunity temporarily. This is so my body won't see the embryo as a foreign invader and try to attack it. I get to stop the daily subcutaneous shots of Lupron (woohoo!!!), but I start the twice daily Crinone. Crinone is the progesterone supplement I will be taking. Most gals undergoing IVF will take a daily IM shot of progesterone. I, however, had a horrible skin reaction to the injectable form last time.... This is a vaginal "gel" that goes in in the morning and at night. I will continue this one through the first trimester of pregnancy. I'm also continuing the twice weekly doses of Estradiol- an IM shot that happens on Tuesdays and Fridays; also to continue through the first trimester of pregnancy.
I don't foresee any weird symptoms or changes with the meds- I've been on all of them at some point or another in the past. Until now, I've also been having weekly blood draws to test my levels of estrogen, making sure that everything is as perfect as it can be for transfer day.
The transfer always makes me so nervous... Then I'll a ball of anxiety until I can test afterward. I know my body can do this..... I believe in the power of positive thinking, and I keep telling my body and lecturing my uterus that we WILL get pregnant. lol.... I've seen IVF fail, though, and that terrifies me. We do everything right to prepare our bodies to accept an embryo; the medications so the hormones are right, the ultrasounds to make sure the uterus is plump and ready, following the embryos to make sure they are as healthy as can be.... Heck, even placing them exactly where they need to be to grow! And yet, sometimes it just doesn't work. There are the hopes and dreams of two very special men riding on this transfer- and though it's not top of the list, a lot of money. I try to banish the thought of failure as soon as it tries to creep in at the edges of my consciousness- positive thinking and all- but the thought does try to worm its way in....
And then I tell myself This WILL Work!!!!!
So, for these "to go" meds, I continue on the daily prenatal vitamin and baby aspirin. I've added another course of antibiotics- in the form of a Z-Pack. The antibiotics are because of the procedure itself- they will be inserting foreign equipment into my body for the transfer. Even though the equipment is sterile, they don't want to take any chances. I'm taking Medrol, 2 pills twice a day. Medrol is a steroid, and it helps suppress immunity temporarily. This is so my body won't see the embryo as a foreign invader and try to attack it. I get to stop the daily subcutaneous shots of Lupron (woohoo!!!), but I start the twice daily Crinone. Crinone is the progesterone supplement I will be taking. Most gals undergoing IVF will take a daily IM shot of progesterone. I, however, had a horrible skin reaction to the injectable form last time.... This is a vaginal "gel" that goes in in the morning and at night. I will continue this one through the first trimester of pregnancy. I'm also continuing the twice weekly doses of Estradiol- an IM shot that happens on Tuesdays and Fridays; also to continue through the first trimester of pregnancy.
I don't foresee any weird symptoms or changes with the meds- I've been on all of them at some point or another in the past. Until now, I've also been having weekly blood draws to test my levels of estrogen, making sure that everything is as perfect as it can be for transfer day.
The transfer always makes me so nervous... Then I'll a ball of anxiety until I can test afterward. I know my body can do this..... I believe in the power of positive thinking, and I keep telling my body and lecturing my uterus that we WILL get pregnant. lol.... I've seen IVF fail, though, and that terrifies me. We do everything right to prepare our bodies to accept an embryo; the medications so the hormones are right, the ultrasounds to make sure the uterus is plump and ready, following the embryos to make sure they are as healthy as can be.... Heck, even placing them exactly where they need to be to grow! And yet, sometimes it just doesn't work. There are the hopes and dreams of two very special men riding on this transfer- and though it's not top of the list, a lot of money. I try to banish the thought of failure as soon as it tries to creep in at the edges of my consciousness- positive thinking and all- but the thought does try to worm its way in....
And then I tell myself This WILL Work!!!!!
Getting to know each other
November 6-11, 2012
Wow, how the time does fly!!! It's the beginning of November, and almost time for our transfer... At the beginning of the process, three or four months always feels like forever away, and you're pretty sure that the time is just going to drag on. Funny how it doesn't though. Now, it's less than a week before we are going to implant hopefully healthy embryos into my "gorgeous" uterus.
Since we are so close, it's time for Seth and Johnny to come out for a visit. The egg donor has been taking her medication, and she is ready to go. I've been taking my medications and my uterus is ready to go. Now all we need are the embryos, and we need the guys for that!
Chris and I were excited for the visit- excited to meet Seth and Johnny in person, excited to introduce them to our kids, and excited to spend some time with them. They were going to be here for 5 days, and we were hoping to spend as much time as possible with them.
The guys flew in on Tuesday night, but we weren't able to meet up with them until Wednesday evening. We decided to invite them over for dinner at our house for the first meeting. That way the kids could be in and out, and we wouldn't have to worry about entertaining them, and we could sit and talk without thinking of the time. I want to describe what spending time with them was like, but everything I can come up with sounds so cliche.... Simply said, it was a fantastic meeting. Chris and I really feel like these two wonderful men are going to be fantastic parents, and a great addition to our family for the next year- and maybe longer!
We crammed every minute of togetherness that we could into the visit. From dinner at our house, to a trip to the Aquarium with the kids, visits to a couple of our favorite restaurants (all breakfast food, funny enough), and one really lame party for the cupcake shop down the street. I was pretty sure they might just be getting tired of us by the time they had to go home.... ;)
Chris and I were so thankful that we were able to spend so much time with Seth and Johnny- and so grateful that they wanted to spend that kind of time with us. We've said all along that surrogacy takes many forms- from a business relationship to almost a family relationship. Chris and I view surrogacy as a family event, and we really prefer to be close to whomever we carry for. It warms our hearts and makes the prospective journey that much sweeter when out IPs feel the same way.
We got all kinds of pictures when they were here, but I don't think there is one with me and Chris, Johnny and Seth... But here is a picture of me with Johnny and Seth.... Don't we look so happy?!?
Wow, how the time does fly!!! It's the beginning of November, and almost time for our transfer... At the beginning of the process, three or four months always feels like forever away, and you're pretty sure that the time is just going to drag on. Funny how it doesn't though. Now, it's less than a week before we are going to implant hopefully healthy embryos into my "gorgeous" uterus.
Since we are so close, it's time for Seth and Johnny to come out for a visit. The egg donor has been taking her medication, and she is ready to go. I've been taking my medications and my uterus is ready to go. Now all we need are the embryos, and we need the guys for that!
Chris and I were excited for the visit- excited to meet Seth and Johnny in person, excited to introduce them to our kids, and excited to spend some time with them. They were going to be here for 5 days, and we were hoping to spend as much time as possible with them.
The guys flew in on Tuesday night, but we weren't able to meet up with them until Wednesday evening. We decided to invite them over for dinner at our house for the first meeting. That way the kids could be in and out, and we wouldn't have to worry about entertaining them, and we could sit and talk without thinking of the time. I want to describe what spending time with them was like, but everything I can come up with sounds so cliche.... Simply said, it was a fantastic meeting. Chris and I really feel like these two wonderful men are going to be fantastic parents, and a great addition to our family for the next year- and maybe longer!
We crammed every minute of togetherness that we could into the visit. From dinner at our house, to a trip to the Aquarium with the kids, visits to a couple of our favorite restaurants (all breakfast food, funny enough), and one really lame party for the cupcake shop down the street. I was pretty sure they might just be getting tired of us by the time they had to go home.... ;)
Chris and I were so thankful that we were able to spend so much time with Seth and Johnny- and so grateful that they wanted to spend that kind of time with us. We've said all along that surrogacy takes many forms- from a business relationship to almost a family relationship. Chris and I view surrogacy as a family event, and we really prefer to be close to whomever we carry for. It warms our hearts and makes the prospective journey that much sweeter when out IPs feel the same way.
We got all kinds of pictures when they were here, but I don't think there is one with me and Chris, Johnny and Seth... But here is a picture of me with Johnny and Seth.... Don't we look so happy?!?
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Dreams already???
I have some bizarre dreams. I always have had, and I imaging I always will. I dream in color, I dream in sensations like smell and feel, and I tend to dream with a lot of intense emotion. The intensity and bizarre-ness of my dreams tends to increase when I'm pregnant. I have some real whoppers.
I had my first "pregnancy dream" a couple nights ago. I wasn't expecting it, and was a little taken back by it when I woke up. When I was pregnant with Mia, I dreamed often about giving birth to our surro-baby. In those dreams, I was never allowed to see or hold her. I always chalked that up to my subconscious worries manifesting at night. I knew "giving up" the baby was going to be emotional, and I think my subconscious was worried that we wouldn't have enough time to say goodbye before she was gone. Something my waking mind knew I didn't have to worry about, but the subconscious and dreams are funny things......
In my dream a couple nights ago, I was at home after having given birth to Johnny and Seth's baby. I was excited because they were coming to town, and we were going to get to see them again. I was also excited, and a little apprehensive because I was going to be seeing the baby for the first time. I didn't remember anything about the birth of the baby. I had been discharged from the hospital just hours after delivering, and in that time I had not been allowed to see or hold the baby. All I knew is that we had been expecting a boy, but didn't know what the baby looked like or how he was doing.
Then, in the funny way of dreams, my husband was there with pictures of the baby. And I had heard that there were pictures being posted of the baby on Facebook. I refused to look at any of the pictures, though, and didn't want to have anything to do with any of it. I was upset because I hadn't seen the baby in the hospital, and wanted to wait until we were with Seth and Johnny before looking at any of the pictures. Then Chris tells me that the baby was actually a girl, and that they named her Lila.
I don't remember much after that... the dream segued into some weird thing about hotels and elevators not going to floors they were supposed to. And me trying to get away from something. Like I said, my dreams are bizarre.
I just thought it was interesting that I'm already having delivery dreams. And that my subconscious has chomped onto the whole "not seeing the baby" thing.
It will be interesting to see what else my crazy mind thinks up!
I had my first "pregnancy dream" a couple nights ago. I wasn't expecting it, and was a little taken back by it when I woke up. When I was pregnant with Mia, I dreamed often about giving birth to our surro-baby. In those dreams, I was never allowed to see or hold her. I always chalked that up to my subconscious worries manifesting at night. I knew "giving up" the baby was going to be emotional, and I think my subconscious was worried that we wouldn't have enough time to say goodbye before she was gone. Something my waking mind knew I didn't have to worry about, but the subconscious and dreams are funny things......
In my dream a couple nights ago, I was at home after having given birth to Johnny and Seth's baby. I was excited because they were coming to town, and we were going to get to see them again. I was also excited, and a little apprehensive because I was going to be seeing the baby for the first time. I didn't remember anything about the birth of the baby. I had been discharged from the hospital just hours after delivering, and in that time I had not been allowed to see or hold the baby. All I knew is that we had been expecting a boy, but didn't know what the baby looked like or how he was doing.
Then, in the funny way of dreams, my husband was there with pictures of the baby. And I had heard that there were pictures being posted of the baby on Facebook. I refused to look at any of the pictures, though, and didn't want to have anything to do with any of it. I was upset because I hadn't seen the baby in the hospital, and wanted to wait until we were with Seth and Johnny before looking at any of the pictures. Then Chris tells me that the baby was actually a girl, and that they named her Lila.
I don't remember much after that... the dream segued into some weird thing about hotels and elevators not going to floors they were supposed to. And me trying to get away from something. Like I said, my dreams are bizarre.
I just thought it was interesting that I'm already having delivery dreams. And that my subconscious has chomped onto the whole "not seeing the baby" thing.
It will be interesting to see what else my crazy mind thinks up!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Lupron
I think one of the hardest parts about preparing for a surrogate pregnancy is the medication regime the clinic places you on. There are usually 3-5 meds to take on any given day, and often the doses and amounts of each medication will change over time. I'm always afraid I'm going to miss something or forget something.... Otherwise, it's not too bad. Right now, most of the medications I'm taking are pills. I started Lupron a week ago, though, and that has been an experience!
Lupron is one of my injectable medications. It's only a subcutaneous shot, though, so it's not that bad. A little needle, and only about a 10th of a cc of fluid (so a very small amount). It goes wherever you can "pinch an inch", usually in the fat of the belly- of which I have plenty! I've gotten to be a pro at giving them to myself; only once every 4 or 5 times does the poke make me jump, and the medication doesn't really burn. Now let's talk about the side effects.
According to the sheet the clinic gave me, Lupron is given "to inhibit the release of certain hormones by the pituitary gland, which might interfere with the development of healthy, mature oocytes. Lupron causes a pseudo-menopause: many of the side effects are menopausal signs and symptoms". Then it lists te following side effects:
hot flashes
vaginal dryness
decreased sex drive
headaches
depression
weight gain or weight loss
night sweats
Fun, right??? Nowhere on that list does it say anything about mood changes. Well. Late last week, I posted on my agency's FB page: "Does the Lupron make anyone else short-tempered, or am I just having a bad week???". And guess what the girls answered??? You got it! I got a whole bunch of "nope, it's the Lupron" and "the Lupron made me crazy" and "oh, yeah, I hated that one"...... Hmmmm. My poor family. I think I have to be on it for this week plus two more.
Although, reading the information sheet, I'm not sure why gestational carriers are asked to take this one. I didn't take it when I was prepping last time. I assumed it was because we did a frozen embryo transfer then, and we are doing a fresh transfer this time- thinking it is one of those meds they use to sync my cycle with the egg donor's. After reading though, it seems like it is more for healthy egg development. We're not harvesting MY eggs...... I'll have to ask my clinic coordinator about it and see what she says.
Lupron is one of my injectable medications. It's only a subcutaneous shot, though, so it's not that bad. A little needle, and only about a 10th of a cc of fluid (so a very small amount). It goes wherever you can "pinch an inch", usually in the fat of the belly- of which I have plenty! I've gotten to be a pro at giving them to myself; only once every 4 or 5 times does the poke make me jump, and the medication doesn't really burn. Now let's talk about the side effects.
According to the sheet the clinic gave me, Lupron is given "to inhibit the release of certain hormones by the pituitary gland, which might interfere with the development of healthy, mature oocytes. Lupron causes a pseudo-menopause: many of the side effects are menopausal signs and symptoms". Then it lists te following side effects:
hot flashes
vaginal dryness
decreased sex drive
headaches
depression
weight gain or weight loss
night sweats
Fun, right??? Nowhere on that list does it say anything about mood changes. Well. Late last week, I posted on my agency's FB page: "Does the Lupron make anyone else short-tempered, or am I just having a bad week???". And guess what the girls answered??? You got it! I got a whole bunch of "nope, it's the Lupron" and "the Lupron made me crazy" and "oh, yeah, I hated that one"...... Hmmmm. My poor family. I think I have to be on it for this week plus two more.
Although, reading the information sheet, I'm not sure why gestational carriers are asked to take this one. I didn't take it when I was prepping last time. I assumed it was because we did a frozen embryo transfer then, and we are doing a fresh transfer this time- thinking it is one of those meds they use to sync my cycle with the egg donor's. After reading though, it seems like it is more for healthy egg development. We're not harvesting MY eggs...... I'll have to ask my clinic coordinator about it and see what she says.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Good thing I'm a nurse....
So, Friday was a pretty important day in my life as a surrogate.... My meds came in the mail!!!
After I had the box open, and everything spread out in front of me, I decided I'm really glad I'm a nurse. Otherwise, the array of items in front of me would be pretty intimidating. I took a picture of it all, so you can see what I got in the mail too.
I think maybe all the syringes and needles would scare a normal person. I just look at them and wonder if I'm actually going to use them all??? There are antibiotics there, baby aspirin, and medrol as pills. The estrogen (estrace) and the Lupron are the two injectables (yep, ALL those syringes and needles for two fairly small vials of meds....). And then the Crinone in the back is my progesterone supply. I had such a bad reaction to the injectable progesterone the last time, that my nurse didn't even order it for me this time The Crinone is a suppository (oh boy!). Okay, but really better than risking another adverse reaction from the shots. And it's one less shot a day! Who can complain about that???
My morning regime looks something like this right now:
That is 10 units of Lupron, a prenatal vitamin, baby aspirin, zithromax (2 of them today only), my birth control pill (only for one more week), and a magnesium supplement that my OB wanted me to take. I may stop the magnesium when I get closer to our transfer date. I wasn't taking that the last time I got pregnant, and I don't want to interfere with the good juju in any way shape or form... These are the morning meds that I will take for the next week. Then things will change a little as I drop the birth control and add the estrogen (estrace).
The zithromax makes me a little nauseous, but antibiotics tend to do that to me. I've had a raging headache tonight.... But I don't know if that is from the Lupron, or just me. I tend to get headaches toward the end of my three night shifts- some weeks worse than others. I'm not even sure if headaches are a side effect of Lupron. One of these days, I'll pull out the paperwork and see.
I feel like things are really getting close when we get to the meds that require syringes and needles. And really, November 15th isn't that far away.... A month more and Seth and Johnny will make the trip out here!!!
Oh- our contract is all wrapped up and signed! Other than the actual transfer, I feel like all the "big" things are taken care of for the time being. Now my job is to prepare my body and my uterus to welcome one or two happy little embryos, and invite them to stay around for 38 to 39 weeks.... ;)
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
New journey hesitations....
I told my mom about our match tonight. It was something that was weighing heavily on my mind, and I'm glad it's finally done. She worries about me, as all good mothers are wont to do. I was afraid she would be hesitant, or even against, us undertaking another journey so soon after Mia was born. I think I felt this way partly because I struggled a bit with the speed of our new match. I never felt as though I shouldn't be getting pregnant again so soon, though. I was worried that my support system would think it too soon, and thereby not be as supportive as they were the first time around. Lucky for me, I'm surrounded by some of the most loving, caring people on earth. I had nothing to worry about; my mom was surprised at my announcement, but still fully supportive.
Chris and I have been a lot more quiet about this new beginning. I feel like it is our little special secret that I want to keep close to my heart- to only share with those who will truly appreciate it. I felt like the whole world knew about our surrogacy experience last time; and at that time, I thought it was what I wanted. But through my last journey, I learned who was truly supportive, who was just curious, and who only wanted to gossip about it. Chris can share our experience with whomever he wants, but this time I choose to keep it close.
I want to share our experiences, our triumphs and our failures with the people who care. People who love me and Chris, Johnny and Seth, or even those who are simply supportive of our journey. I honestly don't mind the curiosity. Ask me questions about what I am doing; I'm happy to explain and do a little teaching along the way. But I learned last time that, for some people, the truth of the experience doesn't matter- or that they just really can't grasp what is really going on. I hate the catty remarks behind my back that refer to me as "only doing it for the money"; or hearing that my pregnancy isn't noteworthy because the baby I'm carrying isn't mine.
I'm not talking about this at work- at least not until it is unavoidable. I thought I worked in a place of tolerance and understanding, and I have since learned that that isn't exactly the truth. It makes me sad, but it is what it is. I forget sometimes that we live in a very small-minded area, not to mention a somewhat small-minded world. Tess from my agency told us just this afternoon that one of her surros lost her job because her boss found out she was a gestational carrier....
I love what we are doing, and being a gestational carrier is something that calls to me. Sharing the success stories of surrogacy and what we have experienced makes me happy. I want to dispel the negativity around what we surros do; having a gestational carrier is a valid means or reproductive aid. But I'm not outspoken, I'm not an activist, or a lobbyist, or even a very good public speaker. I don't enjoy confrontation and I don't like to stir the pot. I will speak to those who ask me questions and seem to be genuinely curious. But I think this time around, I'm going to be a little more private about our endeavors.
And so it begins...
There are a lot of medications that one must take to prepare one's body for a surrogate pregnancy.
Ha! What an understatement....
I started my first meds this week. We are using an egg donor this time around, so my medication regimen is going to be a bit different. The clinic needs to sync my cycle with hers; when they trigger her to ovulate, then they fertilize, my little uterus has to be pre-heated and ready to go. So, first are the birth control pills, so we can always know exactly where I am at in my cycle. I also started my prenatal vitamins this week. I have a calendar that tells me exactly what medications I'm going to be taking and when throughout the pre-transfer process. I won't lie.... I haven't looked at it very closely.
The medications, honestly, are one of the hardest parts of the whole process for me. I don't mind pills, or suppositories, or even shots; it's just the combination of pills, suppositories, AND shots for weeks- and even months- at a time that is so overwhelming. I'm always so afraid I'm going to forget something, or run out of something.... And last time I had that awful reaction to the injectable progesterone. When I'm preparing for a transfer, I have more meds on the counter than my grandparents do!!! But, it's a trivial discomfort in the end. I want to be pregnant; I want to carry a baby (or two) for Seth and Johnny. So, if meds are part of what it takes to get there, then I'll take the meds. And when I am in month #3 of suppositories, lamenting that I need to buy stock in Always pantyliners, I will remind myself what the meds are all about. Then I will rejoice when the day finally comes for me to wean to my "normal" pregnancy meds. Just a prenatal vitamin, right???? you ask.... Nope. For me there is the prenatal, colace, TUMS, prilosec, and sometimes iron. Lol...
We're still waiting on the first draft of the contract from our lawyers. Kathleen told the guys it would be at the end of last week. So I'm expecting sometime this week.... And if not, I'll send her a little email. I don't want to start sticking needles in my belly and hips until that pesky little thing is signed. I'm sure Seth & Johnny would like to have it done as well!
Ha! What an understatement....
I started my first meds this week. We are using an egg donor this time around, so my medication regimen is going to be a bit different. The clinic needs to sync my cycle with hers; when they trigger her to ovulate, then they fertilize, my little uterus has to be pre-heated and ready to go. So, first are the birth control pills, so we can always know exactly where I am at in my cycle. I also started my prenatal vitamins this week. I have a calendar that tells me exactly what medications I'm going to be taking and when throughout the pre-transfer process. I won't lie.... I haven't looked at it very closely.
The medications, honestly, are one of the hardest parts of the whole process for me. I don't mind pills, or suppositories, or even shots; it's just the combination of pills, suppositories, AND shots for weeks- and even months- at a time that is so overwhelming. I'm always so afraid I'm going to forget something, or run out of something.... And last time I had that awful reaction to the injectable progesterone. When I'm preparing for a transfer, I have more meds on the counter than my grandparents do!!! But, it's a trivial discomfort in the end. I want to be pregnant; I want to carry a baby (or two) for Seth and Johnny. So, if meds are part of what it takes to get there, then I'll take the meds. And when I am in month #3 of suppositories, lamenting that I need to buy stock in Always pantyliners, I will remind myself what the meds are all about. Then I will rejoice when the day finally comes for me to wean to my "normal" pregnancy meds. Just a prenatal vitamin, right???? you ask.... Nope. For me there is the prenatal, colace, TUMS, prilosec, and sometimes iron. Lol...
We're still waiting on the first draft of the contract from our lawyers. Kathleen told the guys it would be at the end of last week. So I'm expecting sometime this week.... And if not, I'll send her a little email. I don't want to start sticking needles in my belly and hips until that pesky little thing is signed. I'm sure Seth & Johnny would like to have it done as well!
Thursday, September 6, 2012
New beginnings....
Wow... It's been a crazy few months. Mia and Jason are at home and so happy together. It's hard to believe she is 5 months old already!!! We've been so lucky to keep in tough with them over the last few months, and I'm sure we'll continue to do so. It brightens my day to see new pictures of her, and to hear that she is thriving, and that they are growing so well together.
Chris and I had pretty much planned on pursuing surrogacy again- even before Mia was born. Our plan was to wait about a year, then start looking to be matched again. I wanted to get back to the gym like I was always talking about and get my body back into shape before getting pregnant (a fifth time!!!). We had kinda hoped that Jason would be thinking of a sibling for Mia about the time we were ready again.
We asked Jason... all, "I know you have a newborn and aren't sleeping right now, but you wanted to do this again in a year, right???".... lol.... Okay, not exactly like that, but the conversation did come up. He said as much as he loves and adores Mia, and as much as he would love a sibling for her, he just can't see himself singly parenting two kiddos. Definitely fair. I can't imagine singly parenting one...
At some point later in time, Jason mentioned to me that he was referring a couple that he was acquainted with to our surrogacy agency. My ears perked up, "oh? Tell me more..." Phyllis, Jason's mom, has a friend who is family to this particular couple- they have been interested in surrogacy, and decided that it was time to take the plunge. I told Chris about this, and his ears perked up too. Hmmmm.... Well, if we can't carry for Jason again, wouldn't it be awesome to carry for someone he knows?
Then I had a little run in with reality. Mia is just a few months old. We talked about waiting a year. Are we really thinking about doing this again so soon? I can't even try to get pregnant again until 6 months after Mia's delivery. Are they ready to go now? Will they want to wait if I have to wait? Will they even like us????
So Chris and I talked about it. Not much, I'll admit, but I think we neither felt that there was much to discuss. We wanted to surro again. We have a particular group of the population we prefer to carry for- and they don't come through our agency very often (we don't live in a very liberal area). And best of all, the true decision maker, was that they were acquainted with Jason and his family. If it all worked out, we could be like one big, happy family! Well, kinda, anyway. Things in life happen when they are supposed to happen- not when we plan them. Fate, Karma, the Powers that Be... they drop things in your lap when you least expect them, and often when you're not looking for them. What you choose to do with these offerings is up to you. Chris and I chose to listen to our hearts, and take the opportunity.
I may not lose all my baby weight before I try to get pregnant again, but I've lost 2/3 of it. I've gotten back to the gym... Pregnancy-wise, this body of mine is getting a little on the old side (shhhhh... don't tell anyone I said that), and I want to enjoy another pregnancy the same as the last ones. And hey, I didn't want to be pregnant at exactly the same time of year again- for the third time!
So, I re-vamped my agency application, told Tess that I wanted my profile to go to Jason's referred couple, and we waited. Just a short time later, Tess let us know that they were interested. Then it was that blind date of all blind dates (and part job interview, too)- the Conference Call.....
And a little like magic, here we are- matched again.
Here's to our new beginnings, and another adventure.
This time with Seth and Johnny.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
What everyone REALLY wants to know
What everyone really wants to know...
How are you doing??? I think this is the question Chris and I have heard the most over the last week. It's been a whole week since Mia's delivery, and during that week we've had a lot of ups- but some downs, too. I feel like, looking back on this, I'll say I was still in that post-partum haze that seems to last for two to three weeks; and maybe I am. But it doesn't mean that I'm not still living and feeling things.
I posted before that I'm a pretty emotional person. Before living the experience, I expected to miss being pregnant a little, and I expected to miss the baby a little. I was fairly certain that handing her over to her dad was going to be more of a joyous occasion than not. I was expecting that coming home to a house with no baby was going to be easy- because Chris and I were never preparing to bring a baby home. How has reality played out compared to my expectations???
Well, there have certainly been some tears, but that is normal. I was talking to a friend of mine- another surrogate who delivered a few months ago just yesterday. I'm finding that I DO miss the pregnancy more than I have in the past. But in the past, I always had the baby to care for- and there just wasn't time to miss feeling those little flips and rolls inside. Every now and then, I find myself stopping to check for movement, or putting my had on my empty belly- before remembering that there's not a baby there any more.
I do miss Mia. And I really sat and thought about that statement yesterday. I miss holding her, and snuggling with her. I'm sad that I'm not going to get to see her in person any more- except for very special occasions. But I don't miss her in our house, if that makes sense. I'm not sad that she's not mine, and not here with us all the time. It's very much like when we go visit our family.... Chris and I have 14 nieces and nephews who all live in close proximity to each other, and we are the only part of the family that lives away. We get to see everyone once or twice a year; and whenever we are on the way home, I get very sad that we don't live closer. I feel like we are missing the opportunity to have a close family bond between our nieces and nephews, and our kids their cousins. Missing Mia, for me, is a lot like that.
The moment when Jason came in to the hospital room, and I was able to hand him his daughter was one of the greatest feelings in my life. Up there with my wedding day, and the births of my own children. Handing Mia over to her father was the whole reason Chris and I embarked on this journey in the first place. This was the goal the entire time. The happiness radiating from Jason as he got to hold his little girl for the first time is something I'll never forget. When I am feeling a little sad for myself, all I have to do is think of their happiness, and I'm reminded of why we did this in the first place.
Sunday, when Jason took Mia home, was the hardest day for both me and Chris. While Mia was Jason's from the beginning, our family still 'grew' her... I treated my pregnancy with Mia exactly the same as I did my pregnancies with our own three. While the feelings weren't the same, there was still a sense of affection and love for this little girl. I don't think Chris or I were prepared to be as fond of her as we were after she was born. And as much as we knew it was coming, it really did feel weird to leave the hospital without that that infant carrier, a new little bundle snuggled inside. We knew we weren't bringing Mia home to our house to be a part of our family, but I think we both would have loved to have had her and Jason in town a little longer.
That being said, Chris and I have voiced to each other over and over how thankful we are that we entered into this journey with Jason. He has welcomed our family into his, and has given us every opportunity to be a part of his life. We were allowed to care for Mia in his absence, and he gave our family the time we needed to dote on her before taking her home. Chris and I are very aware that a lot of surrogacy situations do not go as ours did.... The baby is delivered, handed over, and the surro and her family may never get to see the baby outside of pictures from that point forward. I'm so glad our journey didn't go that way. I'm thankful that Jason is willing to keep our family updated on how he and Mia are doing. Jason and I know that we may not talk as much now as we did before she was born, but we still plan to keep in touch. And we already have a standing invite to Mia's first birthday party... ;)
So I guess reality met my expectations, but times 100. The emotions were more intense than I expected, and a few more of them cropped up than I planned for. But the overwhelming happy that we were a part of making vastly outweighs any sad feelings I've had. And I've been told (by several people) that the sad is normal; so I don't feel bad about having a few of those feelings too.
It's been amazing. And it's so strange that this part of the journey is over. A year ago, when we were just starting out, I remember feeling like a birth was that almost unattainable goal that was so far away..... And here we are. Well, here Mia is. A special little girl who has impacted the lives of our family and her own. I can't wait to see what life has in store for her.
I posted before that I'm a pretty emotional person. Before living the experience, I expected to miss being pregnant a little, and I expected to miss the baby a little. I was fairly certain that handing her over to her dad was going to be more of a joyous occasion than not. I was expecting that coming home to a house with no baby was going to be easy- because Chris and I were never preparing to bring a baby home. How has reality played out compared to my expectations???
Well, there have certainly been some tears, but that is normal. I was talking to a friend of mine- another surrogate who delivered a few months ago just yesterday. I'm finding that I DO miss the pregnancy more than I have in the past. But in the past, I always had the baby to care for- and there just wasn't time to miss feeling those little flips and rolls inside. Every now and then, I find myself stopping to check for movement, or putting my had on my empty belly- before remembering that there's not a baby there any more.
I do miss Mia. And I really sat and thought about that statement yesterday. I miss holding her, and snuggling with her. I'm sad that I'm not going to get to see her in person any more- except for very special occasions. But I don't miss her in our house, if that makes sense. I'm not sad that she's not mine, and not here with us all the time. It's very much like when we go visit our family.... Chris and I have 14 nieces and nephews who all live in close proximity to each other, and we are the only part of the family that lives away. We get to see everyone once or twice a year; and whenever we are on the way home, I get very sad that we don't live closer. I feel like we are missing the opportunity to have a close family bond between our nieces and nephews, and our kids their cousins. Missing Mia, for me, is a lot like that.
The moment when Jason came in to the hospital room, and I was able to hand him his daughter was one of the greatest feelings in my life. Up there with my wedding day, and the births of my own children. Handing Mia over to her father was the whole reason Chris and I embarked on this journey in the first place. This was the goal the entire time. The happiness radiating from Jason as he got to hold his little girl for the first time is something I'll never forget. When I am feeling a little sad for myself, all I have to do is think of their happiness, and I'm reminded of why we did this in the first place.
Sunday, when Jason took Mia home, was the hardest day for both me and Chris. While Mia was Jason's from the beginning, our family still 'grew' her... I treated my pregnancy with Mia exactly the same as I did my pregnancies with our own three. While the feelings weren't the same, there was still a sense of affection and love for this little girl. I don't think Chris or I were prepared to be as fond of her as we were after she was born. And as much as we knew it was coming, it really did feel weird to leave the hospital without that that infant carrier, a new little bundle snuggled inside. We knew we weren't bringing Mia home to our house to be a part of our family, but I think we both would have loved to have had her and Jason in town a little longer.
That being said, Chris and I have voiced to each other over and over how thankful we are that we entered into this journey with Jason. He has welcomed our family into his, and has given us every opportunity to be a part of his life. We were allowed to care for Mia in his absence, and he gave our family the time we needed to dote on her before taking her home. Chris and I are very aware that a lot of surrogacy situations do not go as ours did.... The baby is delivered, handed over, and the surro and her family may never get to see the baby outside of pictures from that point forward. I'm so glad our journey didn't go that way. I'm thankful that Jason is willing to keep our family updated on how he and Mia are doing. Jason and I know that we may not talk as much now as we did before she was born, but we still plan to keep in touch. And we already have a standing invite to Mia's first birthday party... ;)
So I guess reality met my expectations, but times 100. The emotions were more intense than I expected, and a few more of them cropped up than I planned for. But the overwhelming happy that we were a part of making vastly outweighs any sad feelings I've had. And I've been told (by several people) that the sad is normal; so I don't feel bad about having a few of those feelings too.
It's been amazing. And it's so strange that this part of the journey is over. A year ago, when we were just starting out, I remember feeling like a birth was that almost unattainable goal that was so far away..... And here we are. Well, here Mia is. A special little girl who has impacted the lives of our family and her own. I can't wait to see what life has in store for her.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Whirlwind Week
Whirlwind Week
After Miss Mia was born, we had to wait a full day before Jason was able to get into town. He was also traveling with his parents, and we were excited to see them all. During that time, I was able to care for Mia myself. While this wasn't part of the original plan, of course, I really appreciated this time with her. I was able to feed her and care for her, hold her and snuggle her as much as I wanted. Chris was also able to spend a good amount of time with her. Looking back, I think it was very therapeutic for us. It gave us the chance to say hello, and get to know Mia a little before we had to say goodbye.
By the time Jason and his parents arrived, though, I was so excited and ready to introduce him to his little girl!!! It was about time for her to eat again, right when we were expecting them. Chris and I wanted him to be able to feed her when he arrived, instead of having to wait another two to three hours... I wish I could remember the look on Jason's face when he walked in and I handed Mia over. I don't though; I just remember feeling so happy that he was there, and that he was finally getting to hold this special little Missy that I had been carrying for 38 weeks. Chris was able to capture the moment on video, and the family took a ton of pictures. I think....
We all sat and visited for awhile in the hospital room, and Jason and Mia got acquainted. I'm not a very social person, so I was really glad Chris was there to keep the conversation going! We signed the required paperwork, talked about hospital rules and regulations, and all the sudden Mia was no longer our responsibility. It was a little strange, but totally right. Chris and I were discharged later that night, and went home to our kids who were waiting (quite impatiently I might add ) for us.
It wasn't the last time we saw the new family, though! We had Jason, Mia, and Jason's parents over for a visit and dinner at our house on Friday night. My parents were in town as well, and it was a great visit. I wanted to make sure our kids had a chance to meet Mia and hold her- they had been a part of this experience too, and they needed a chance to say hello & goodbye. Saturday night we all went out to dinner again, for one last visit. Then Sunday morning, it was back home for Jason, Mia, and Grandma and Grandpa. Looking back, the week flew by!!!
I'm very thankful for all the time that me and my family were allowed to have with Mia. I realize in similar situations, this isn't possible- or even taken into consideration. Chris and I feel like we have added to our extended family through this experience, and look forward to what the future brings.
By the time Jason and his parents arrived, though, I was so excited and ready to introduce him to his little girl!!! It was about time for her to eat again, right when we were expecting them. Chris and I wanted him to be able to feed her when he arrived, instead of having to wait another two to three hours... I wish I could remember the look on Jason's face when he walked in and I handed Mia over. I don't though; I just remember feeling so happy that he was there, and that he was finally getting to hold this special little Missy that I had been carrying for 38 weeks. Chris was able to capture the moment on video, and the family took a ton of pictures. I think....
We all sat and visited for awhile in the hospital room, and Jason and Mia got acquainted. I'm not a very social person, so I was really glad Chris was there to keep the conversation going! We signed the required paperwork, talked about hospital rules and regulations, and all the sudden Mia was no longer our responsibility. It was a little strange, but totally right. Chris and I were discharged later that night, and went home to our kids who were waiting (quite impatiently I might add ) for us.
It wasn't the last time we saw the new family, though! We had Jason, Mia, and Jason's parents over for a visit and dinner at our house on Friday night. My parents were in town as well, and it was a great visit. I wanted to make sure our kids had a chance to meet Mia and hold her- they had been a part of this experience too, and they needed a chance to say hello & goodbye. Saturday night we all went out to dinner again, for one last visit. Then Sunday morning, it was back home for Jason, Mia, and Grandma and Grandpa. Looking back, the week flew by!!!
I'm very thankful for all the time that me and my family were allowed to have with Mia. I realize in similar situations, this isn't possible- or even taken into consideration. Chris and I feel like we have added to our extended family through this experience, and look forward to what the future brings.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Delivery
Delivery
Here we are on Easter Sunday, 2 days from our planned induction date. Jason, Chris, and I knew awhile ago that delivery probably wasn't going to go quite like we were planning. Even my mom was expecting Little Miss to come a little early.
The night of April 2nd, I just didn't sleep well. Looking back, I think I was contracting a lot of the night. I remember tossing and turning, waking up often, and generally just not sleeping well. At 5am, my contractions were starting to come every three minutes, and I just couldn't sleep through them any more. They weren't awful, but definitely more than just the tightening that I had been having. I stayed in bed for the next 45 minutes or so. Finally I decided to get up and shower, then go eat some toast and just putter around the house for awhile- just to see if the contractions kept up.
My bathroom is about 7 steps from the side of my bed. As soon as my feet hit the linoleum, I felt this strange little.... give... is the only way I can describe it. Then there was a little bit of warm wet on my legs. All I could think was "Holy crap, I think my water just broke!!!". So I stood there for a couple more minutes. Sure enough, when I moved, a little clear, but pink tinged fluid hit the floor. Part of me was relieved... Now I didn't have to mess around with irregular contractions, wondering when I should go into the hospital. So, I woke up Chris and had him work on getting someone over to the house to watch the kids. I took a quick shower, and off to the hospital we went!
When we got to the hospital, labor and delivery was packed to the gills! Apparently most of the babies in our area decided they needed to come on April 3rd, too.... One of my very best friends stayed over-after already working a 12 hour night shift- to be my nurse. On the way in, I was doubting myself about breaking my water because I never had more than a little trickle at a time. Buuuttt.... as soon as I sat down in the triage bed, I flooded the thing! I was 4cm dilated and definitely ruptured.
I was admitted at 7:30 that morning. By 8, I was set up in my room with my IV, my husband, and my best friend. Chris had run into my doctor in the elevator (as he was going off call), and he was wonderful enough to stay on for me too. The only- really LARGE- kink in the karma of the morning was that Jason wasn't there! We called him as soon as we were sure we were staying, and wouldn't you know it, there were NO flights available into our city.... All day!!! I knew the baby would most likely be delivered before he could get there, but Chris and I were really bummed that he wasn't going to be able to hop a flight and get started on the journey in.
My labor progressed fairly quickly, which is normal for me. I was 5-6 cm with an epidural by 1030, and probably the most comfortable I'd been in a week! My bestie finally got to go home, and another of my favorite nurses took over our care. She was the nurse I had when my oldest was born, so it was almost like coming full circle! We think I was probably ready to push between 1230 and 1pm, but my doc had a complicated patient in the office, and we were waiting for him to come over to the hospital. In that time, though, we realized that we could Face Time with Jason via our various Apple products. So, he was going to "be there" for delivery after all!!! We love technology....
At 1:29pm, in the presence of my husband, some of my very good friends, and her daddy (via FT), Little Mia Ryan G. Made her entrance into the world. She was tiny, screaming, and perfect. It was a fast delivery, emotional and fantastic, and I couldn't have asked for a better experience.
Jason was able to "hang out" with us for awhile, and watch all of Mia's clean up. It was so sweet to be able to hold her, and meet this little person who was so special in so many people's lives.
The night of April 2nd, I just didn't sleep well. Looking back, I think I was contracting a lot of the night. I remember tossing and turning, waking up often, and generally just not sleeping well. At 5am, my contractions were starting to come every three minutes, and I just couldn't sleep through them any more. They weren't awful, but definitely more than just the tightening that I had been having. I stayed in bed for the next 45 minutes or so. Finally I decided to get up and shower, then go eat some toast and just putter around the house for awhile- just to see if the contractions kept up.
My bathroom is about 7 steps from the side of my bed. As soon as my feet hit the linoleum, I felt this strange little.... give... is the only way I can describe it. Then there was a little bit of warm wet on my legs. All I could think was "Holy crap, I think my water just broke!!!". So I stood there for a couple more minutes. Sure enough, when I moved, a little clear, but pink tinged fluid hit the floor. Part of me was relieved... Now I didn't have to mess around with irregular contractions, wondering when I should go into the hospital. So, I woke up Chris and had him work on getting someone over to the house to watch the kids. I took a quick shower, and off to the hospital we went!
When we got to the hospital, labor and delivery was packed to the gills! Apparently most of the babies in our area decided they needed to come on April 3rd, too.... One of my very best friends stayed over-after already working a 12 hour night shift- to be my nurse. On the way in, I was doubting myself about breaking my water because I never had more than a little trickle at a time. Buuuttt.... as soon as I sat down in the triage bed, I flooded the thing! I was 4cm dilated and definitely ruptured.
I was admitted at 7:30 that morning. By 8, I was set up in my room with my IV, my husband, and my best friend. Chris had run into my doctor in the elevator (as he was going off call), and he was wonderful enough to stay on for me too. The only- really LARGE- kink in the karma of the morning was that Jason wasn't there! We called him as soon as we were sure we were staying, and wouldn't you know it, there were NO flights available into our city.... All day!!! I knew the baby would most likely be delivered before he could get there, but Chris and I were really bummed that he wasn't going to be able to hop a flight and get started on the journey in.
My labor progressed fairly quickly, which is normal for me. I was 5-6 cm with an epidural by 1030, and probably the most comfortable I'd been in a week! My bestie finally got to go home, and another of my favorite nurses took over our care. She was the nurse I had when my oldest was born, so it was almost like coming full circle! We think I was probably ready to push between 1230 and 1pm, but my doc had a complicated patient in the office, and we were waiting for him to come over to the hospital. In that time, though, we realized that we could Face Time with Jason via our various Apple products. So, he was going to "be there" for delivery after all!!! We love technology....
At 1:29pm, in the presence of my husband, some of my very good friends, and her daddy (via FT), Little Mia Ryan G. Made her entrance into the world. She was tiny, screaming, and perfect. It was a fast delivery, emotional and fantastic, and I couldn't have asked for a better experience.
Jason was able to "hang out" with us for awhile, and watch all of Mia's clean up. It was so sweet to be able to hold her, and meet this little person who was so special in so many people's lives.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Just 2 weeks left...
Just 2 weeks left....
Holy cow. Our planned induction date is just two weeks from today. Where did the time go???
As we get closer to delivery, I find myself thinking more and more about what delivery will be like. I've had a really easy time this pregnancy NOT thinking of this little girl as ours. I don't feel like I'm attached to her in the same way that I was with my own kids. The thought of delivery hasn't scared me or made me nervous at all in terms of me being able to "give this baby up" as people like to say. Because this Little Miss has never been mine to keep.
Now that things are getting closer, however, I'm wondering if it's going to be as easy as I think... Now that's not to say that I'm having any inkling of wanting to *gasp* not give her up. She's Jason's baby, and not mine and my husband's. I'm just wondering if the giving process will be more emotional than I'm anticipating. I'm a crier, so I expect tears. I'm expecting to miss being pregnant a little, and I'm expecting to miss her a little. My hope is that my expectations meet what will actually come to pass.
And then I've been thinking about labor itself- wondering what it will be like. Classically, I've had quick, relatively easy labors. I'm hoping for the same thing this time around too. I'm smaller with this pregnancy than I was with my last, so I don't feel like I have an 8 pound plus kiddo hanging out in there. I'm wondering if we'll make it to our induction date.... if so, it will be the longest I've ever carried a pregnancy. Only by 2 days, but still.... And I contract a lot this time around. I've not ever really contracted before laboring before. So fr, the contractions haven't proven to do anything. But I know that can change any day.
Just like any pregnancy, there are so many unknowns. I'm excited and impatient both to see how this is going to play out. But at the same time, I'm really trying hard not to wish away the last two weeks of this pregnancy. This very well may be my last time being pregnant, and there is nothing in this world quite like the feeling of an active, happy baby rolling around in my tummy.
Here we are at 37 weeks. I swear, I'm getting worse at taking my picture....
As we get closer to delivery, I find myself thinking more and more about what delivery will be like. I've had a really easy time this pregnancy NOT thinking of this little girl as ours. I don't feel like I'm attached to her in the same way that I was with my own kids. The thought of delivery hasn't scared me or made me nervous at all in terms of me being able to "give this baby up" as people like to say. Because this Little Miss has never been mine to keep.
Now that things are getting closer, however, I'm wondering if it's going to be as easy as I think... Now that's not to say that I'm having any inkling of wanting to *gasp* not give her up. She's Jason's baby, and not mine and my husband's. I'm just wondering if the giving process will be more emotional than I'm anticipating. I'm a crier, so I expect tears. I'm expecting to miss being pregnant a little, and I'm expecting to miss her a little. My hope is that my expectations meet what will actually come to pass.
And then I've been thinking about labor itself- wondering what it will be like. Classically, I've had quick, relatively easy labors. I'm hoping for the same thing this time around too. I'm smaller with this pregnancy than I was with my last, so I don't feel like I have an 8 pound plus kiddo hanging out in there. I'm wondering if we'll make it to our induction date.... if so, it will be the longest I've ever carried a pregnancy. Only by 2 days, but still.... And I contract a lot this time around. I've not ever really contracted before laboring before. So fr, the contractions haven't proven to do anything. But I know that can change any day.
Just like any pregnancy, there are so many unknowns. I'm excited and impatient both to see how this is going to play out. But at the same time, I'm really trying hard not to wish away the last two weeks of this pregnancy. This very well may be my last time being pregnant, and there is nothing in this world quite like the feeling of an active, happy baby rolling around in my tummy.
Here we are at 37 weeks. I swear, I'm getting worse at taking my picture....
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Almost 34 weeks!
Almost 34 Weeks!
Well, it's been an interesting couple of weeks. There was all the painting that happened..... After that, I kinda lost my steam, but I still have a list a mile long of things I want to get done!
I've talked about me and the pregnancy a lot the last few posts, but we're getting close to the end. Jason has started to make plans for coming out here to meet his little girl. The plane tickets are bought, we've been talking to the doctor about the "ideal" induction date, baby names have been a hot topic of conversation again.... I think it's starting to gel for us all that a BABY is going to be here soon, and not just the idea of her.
Chris and I are making plans on this end; my parents are planning to come out during our "ideal" induction time, so we have someone to watch our kids. We've been trying to think back and remember our kids' deliveries- so we can ask Jason what he wants done in the event that the baby decides to come before our planned date. It feels like we're actively participating in the pregnancy again, instead of just enjoying the "uneventful" middle time. I keep saying, though, that we want this to be SO planned this time, that something not planned is bound to happen...
It boggles my mind to think that we're closing in on the home stretch of this amazing journey.
In pregnancy news, I'm contracting more than I ever did with my other pregnancies. I was sent home from work last weekend with instructions to "take it easy", and I saw the doc mid-week this week. The good news is that the contractions aren't doing much to my cervix. The not good news is that they really ARE annoying sometimes! Funny, it makes me totally able to relate to my patients who contract all the time with no changes that happen. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that nothing "exciting" is happening at this point. I just could have gone another 2 or 3 weeks without contracting!
Okay, here is me and Little Miss as 33.6 weeks. I'm definitely NOT looking my best, but I realized it's been a long time since I put a pic up. So, this just goes to show that I don't insist on looking perfectly "made up" in every picture! ;)
I've talked about me and the pregnancy a lot the last few posts, but we're getting close to the end. Jason has started to make plans for coming out here to meet his little girl. The plane tickets are bought, we've been talking to the doctor about the "ideal" induction date, baby names have been a hot topic of conversation again.... I think it's starting to gel for us all that a BABY is going to be here soon, and not just the idea of her.
Chris and I are making plans on this end; my parents are planning to come out during our "ideal" induction time, so we have someone to watch our kids. We've been trying to think back and remember our kids' deliveries- so we can ask Jason what he wants done in the event that the baby decides to come before our planned date. It feels like we're actively participating in the pregnancy again, instead of just enjoying the "uneventful" middle time. I keep saying, though, that we want this to be SO planned this time, that something not planned is bound to happen...
It boggles my mind to think that we're closing in on the home stretch of this amazing journey.
In pregnancy news, I'm contracting more than I ever did with my other pregnancies. I was sent home from work last weekend with instructions to "take it easy", and I saw the doc mid-week this week. The good news is that the contractions aren't doing much to my cervix. The not good news is that they really ARE annoying sometimes! Funny, it makes me totally able to relate to my patients who contract all the time with no changes that happen. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that nothing "exciting" is happening at this point. I just could have gone another 2 or 3 weeks without contracting!
Okay, here is me and Little Miss as 33.6 weeks. I'm definitely NOT looking my best, but I realized it's been a long time since I put a pic up. So, this just goes to show that I don't insist on looking perfectly "made up" in every picture! ;)
Friday, February 17, 2012
Could I be nesting???
Could I be nesting???
It's another one of those crazy pregnancy phenomena. Most women reach some undefined point in their later pregnancy, and decide they MUST clean, sort, organize, etc, etc, etc. Most of the time, it's thought that this is a woman's internal drive to make a place for the new baby to come home to. That's the theory I always went with anyway.
Until this week.
I know I don't have a new baby coming home with me. There is no worry about setting up a nursery, picking out bedding, washing little teeny clothes, and making sure that we have everything we need for a new little person. Then why, I ask, have I spent the last week in full nesting mode???
It must be the hormones.
Tuesday night I inexplicably couldn't fall asleep. Those who know me know this is very rare. As I lay there in bed, with sleep eluding me, I started making a list in my head: Bed, Bath and Beyond for new kitchen rugs, curtains, and curtain rods. Home Depot or Lowe's for paint, and something new to cover the sliding glass door that I hate. Do I need to replace the blinds downstairs? All of them??? I'm kinda tired of the white look after 10 years; it might be nice to get some darker ones. But what shade? I won't know that until we replace the coffee table and the kitchen table.... But we're not planning on doing that just yet. Should I put a rug under the kitchen table???
And on and on until sleep finally found me.
So Wednesday we went out to BB&B and Target. I gathered some of what was on my list. When we got home, I spent the afternoon tearing apart the kitchen and sorting and decluttering drawers and cabinets. Thursday, I went out bright and early for paint. I spent the rest of Thursday painting the kitchen, the slider wall, and then putting some things back together again. This morning, I finished pulling the kitchen and eating area back together.
I have yet to hang the new curtains and rods we got for downstairs. I was in the middle of hanging the black-out roman shade in my room when I discovered that I really would need the drill. And the battery on the drill is dead. Sigh.....
Hopefully there's enough energy left to tackle the mountain of laundry waiting for me next week.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
The Space Heater Syndrome
The Space Heater Syndrome
We all know that pregnancy does funny things to women's bodies. I've had my fair share of "pregnancy weirdness". One of the most interesting things that happens, I think anyway, is what I've come to call the "space heater syndrome".
I'm usually cold all the time. Like the flannel-jammy-pants-and-blanket-on-the-couch during the dead of summer cold. Chris always comments on how my "thermostat" is broken. Especially when we get in bed at night and I put my cold feet on him. I warn my patients before I touch their bellies with my bare hands because they are usually cold. I try to talk Chris into putting the flannel sheets on the bed in September, and don't take them off again until June. You get the idea.
Enter the Space Heater Syndrome. About two weeks ago, I noticed that I wasn't getting very cold at work any more- believe me, a very rare occurrence. Then I was needing fewer and fewer blankets on the bed. Yep, it's hit. The baby is big enough now that I feel like I'm toting around my own little space heater. I no longer feel the need to dress in layers, I only need the sheet to sleep with, and I don't grab my down coat to go outside with any more (good thing, too, cause I can't zip it up anymore!). Last night, when I got in bed I put my feet on Chris. He said "Holy crap, what's wrong with you???" My feet and my toes were WARM!
I get progressively warmer as the pregnancy continues. It's quite the interesting phenomena in our house. It's the only time EVER that Chris and I agree on the temperature... I'm totally cool hanging out in short sleeve ts, and don't need a blanket on the couch- unless a cat wants in my lap, that is. The only downside is waking up in the middle of the night-either in a pool of sweat, or completely missing that t-shirt I know I put on before bed! I wake up in the middle of the night- not to take multiple trips to the bathroom- but because I'm frying squished between Chris and Paige....
The other crazy pregnancy thing that happens with me? My hair gets darker with each baby I carry. Some women get bigger feet, I get more brunette. But I don't mind that at all, I kinda like the dark.
Latest pics of me and Baby Girl- 31 weeks tomorrow!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
29 weeks and counting....
29 weeks and counting....
So I always think of all these great things to blog about when I'm away from my computer.... In the car, falling asleep at night, at work. But when I"m actually here, in front of the thing, my mind goes mostly blank.
Like now. I have my 29 week picture to post, but no story to go with it.
Things have been pretty great the last few weeks. So there's not really much to relate today. The baby is moving a ton, and all was well at my last appointment. She's been getting the hiccups, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day, lately. This is the part of pregnancy that I truly love. I'm not so big that I'm uncomfortable all the time, and I can really feel her moving- which is my favorite part.
I'm starting to envision what labor is going to be like, and am really starting to contemplate what to expect after delivery. The time is going to fly by, and she'll be here before we all know it. I know that she's not coming home with me- that's the whole point of this journey- but I'm really starting to think about what the experience will be like. I hope it will be as easy as I imagine it will be!
Maybe I'll have a fun story to tell next time??? :)
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Approaching 28 weeks
Approaching 28 weeks!!!
I love 28 weeks. Not that I feel super special wonderful at 28 weeks or anything like that.... It's the antepartum nurse in me coming out. 28 weeks is the first big "milestone" gestation for the NICU and pre-term moms. (Not that I've ever been a pre-term mom, but I'm aware that there is a first time for everything....) If a baby is born after 28 weeks' gestation, there is a marked decrease in the incidence of brain bleeds. Scary sounding, and scary. Although babies born early, even after 28 weeks', have difficulties of their own, I always breathe a tiny sigh of relief when that first milestone mark passes.
On to other thoughts!
So, one of my "usual" pregnancy discomforts is itching. I've been an itchy mess with all my pregnancies; mostly through the end of the first trimester to almost the third trimester. There have been several theories for my itching: increased blood volume, skin stretching, bile salts, soap allergies.... None of it really made sense to me. Then, my doctor and I were discussing my progesterone reaction incident earlier this pregnancy. He said, "Well, yeah, increased progesterone makes some people itch." Ding, ding, ding!!!! This rang true to me as the cause of all my itching- especially with how severely I reacted to the injectable progesterone.
The itching this pregnancy has been astronomical. I've made my ankles and feet bleed from scratching. I scratch in my sleep. Chris says he feels like he's sleeping with a grasshopper... Yes, I've tried things. Aveeeno soap, aveeno lotion, medicated aveeno lotion, benadryl, cortisone cream, oatmeal bath soaks.... My doc recommended Cetaphil lotion, but I really don't think it's a case of dry skin. I'm going to talk to him about it again at my appt next week. Although I think it's going to be one of those "so sorry, not much we can do about it" things.
Interestingly, and maybe this all goes hand in hand, but my skin has just been really super sensitive this time around- like a tactile issue. My clothes are uncomfortable against my skin, tags bother me, blah, blah, blah. I feel like a skin sensitive challenged toddler most days. Clothes and ways of wearing clothes that usually get me through a pregnancy have done absolutely nothing for me this time around. I've lamented to Chris several times that it's the dead of winter, and I HAVE to dress in layers. Why can't it just be summer so I can throw on a soft sundress.... or a mumu for that matter????
Lol. So. I'm getting creative. My latest endeavor is to turn a old pair of drawstring scrub pants for work into a pair of maternity scrub pants. Yes, with the large, uber ugly (absolutely fantastic) full belly panel. I found some soft, stretchy fabric at the fabric store ( I should not be allowed into the fabric store) that I think my belly will enjoy. This afternoon will have me getting friendly with a pair of scissors, some fabric, and my sewing machine.
Wish me luck.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Uh, the holidays are over now.... so....
Uh, the holidays are over now.... so....
Hmmmm..... I just looked at my 25 1/2 week pic (it's down toward the bottom). Talk about chipmunk cheeks! I'm hoping it was just the angle of the picture. I'm thinking my face is starting to look rather.... full.
Now I know weight gain during pregnancy is normal and healthy. I'm one of those crazy people who chooses to never know my weight. I don't look at the scale at the doctor's office, and I never jump on "just to see". What a horrible idea. I choose to go with how my clothes fit.
Well, I know my regular clothes sure aren't fitting me now!!!! So I can't really use that as an indication any more. I've always said one of my goals this pregnancy was to try and stay active- I never accomplished it with my own pregnancies. And so far, I haven't done very well this pregnancy either.
I was in pretty good physical condition before this pregnancy, visiting our local rec center 3-5 times a week. My love was Zumba. With all the craziness that happened the first trimester, I wasn't able to keep exercising the way I had envisioned. Then my rec membership ran out.... Drat. Did I renew the sucker???? Uh. No. And I miss my Zumba, I really do. I think about my long lost class at least 4 times a week. But I'm pretty sure my body would take a furious ass-kicking if I went back now!
However, it doesn't keep me from thinking it's a great idea. I dream of my little support belt strapped to my ever-expanding belly, and me hopping around class like a pro. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty sure I'm going to be red faced and breathing like a steam engine.
Walking the track may be a better "get back into the game" activity.
My goal for the end of January is to get in and renew my membership. Then my next goal is to start going again. I miss exercising, so I'm pretty confident that I will work it back into my weekly routine. And my goal will not be to lose weight. My goal will be to remain active and feeling good about myself.
And if my face stops looking like I have chipmunk cheeks, so much the better. ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)