Sigh....

It's so easy to write about the happy things.  It's harder to write about the things I'm unsure of or worried about.  I want this to be a place of happiness, where everything goes as expected and as well as it possibly can.  But that just isn't life or reality.  I don't like to write about my worries because I don't want Seth & Johnny to worry, and I don't want any negativity.  But keeping this blog is supposed to be about all our experiences, good, bad, and in-between.  My knee-jerk reaction is to just not blog anything until I know the outcomes of everything- then go back and tell the story behind the whatever it is. 

I feel like this transfer and everything that's happened after is swimming in ambiguity.  Nothing has been black or white, good or bad, positive or negative.  We started with the incredibly low betas.  Yep, everything doubled and continued to increase, but not quite the way the clinic likes to see.  Are we relieved?  Can we celebrate???  Well, cautiously.  And cautiously is just no fun.  I want to be able to share with my IFs, and my family, and my surro- friends YES, I'm pregnant!!!  And I'm sure Seth and Johnny want to be able to do the same with their friends and family.  None of this "Weeeelllll, we have positives, but we really should wait until the ultrasound".

Now we have the ultrasound.  I went in to the clinic this morning for our first scan.  Classically the scan to see the first heartbeat, and count how many are there.  I am 6 weeks and 6 days by dates.  We only transferred one, so I'm expecting to see one little, fluttery heartbeat.  There's a slight possibility for two, since those tricky blasts DO split sometimes, but really just expecting one. 

Our plans to Facetime with Johnny and Seth had taken a turn for the worse- none of us thought we wouldn't be able to access wifi of some kind at the clinic.  The tech didn't lose any time with that probe, either.  The blurry black of the ultrasound screen resolved into a shot of the inside of my uterus.  And there it is....  That black circle of nothingness that indicates fluid.  But it's really small....  And I don't see anything....  The tech moves the wand around, looking for a better angle.  We're both squinting at the screen.  Well, there is something...  The tech explains what we're seeing.  There is the gestational sac (the black circle of nothingness), and in that black is this shadowy thing that is a yolk.  Okay.  And when she zoomed in who knows how many times, there is this little image that looks like a grain of rice.  The fetal pole. 

So, we have a gestational sac, a yolk, and a fetal pole.  Right on track for an ultrasound at FIVE weeks 6 days gestation.....  Today, by rights, we should have been able to see a heartbeat.  But...  there were our betas that were slow to rise.  So, that could mean late implant, or slow growing embryo.  Bottom line?  We just don't know yet.  I'll have another ultrasound in a week to confirm growth and a heartbeat. We hope.  And hope and HOPE....

I want to finally be able to call Seth & Johnny with a YES!!!!  Not just a maybe.....