Bedrest Rocks?

So, after the transfer is complete, one is on doctor mandated bedrest for 2-3 days. Two days in my case. Many people look at the word "bedrest" and envision countless hours whiling away in bed with the TV remote, a take out menu, and maybe a good book or two. Sounds like a lot of fun.

It is. On a lazy Sunday afternoon, when staying in bed all day is your idea.

On the day of the transfer, I was allowed to get up and use the bathroom. No sitting up to eat, no standing in the shower. I could lay on my back or sides, but preferably not on my stomach. Tricky, as I'm a stomach sleeper.

I won't lie. The first day wasn't bad. We came back from the clinic, went back to bed, and pretty much crashed until about 4 in the afternoon. I fell in love with the pizza from the Italian place the night before, and sent Chris back there for dinner that night. By the time "bedtime" rolled around, my hips and lower back were getting a bit sore. But what the hey- I was going back to sleep anyway!

Day 2. I was allowed to move to the couch. Today I could sit up to eat my meals, and stay upright long enough for a shower. Bless Jason for booking us a room with a couch. It was great to have the option to move to a "new" location. I was awake more, but had a harder time staying comfortable too. About halfway through the day, I was wishing I'd packed some tylenol for the hips and lower back. Chris and I entertained ourselves with episodes of Weeds and TrueBlood, and had Chili's for lunch. And dinner.

Still. Enforced relaxation is a very different animal than just having a lazy day or two. For some reason, I kept having the crazy compulsion to get up and run around the room. Probably just because I wasn't supposed to.

I will say, though, that every time I did get up, all I could think about was those tiny little embryos falling right out of me. I think someone out there needs to invent some sort of bio-adhesive fixative they can treat the embryos with before transfer. Not something that guarantees implantation, just something that guarantees that the little guys will at least stick to something when they get pipetted in there. That way I don't have to constantly worry that they're going to fall out!

Really, before we knew it, it was time to pack up and head home again.

Oh!

I'd like to give a quick shout out to the name-unknown toll booth operator that Chris and I met on our journey back to the Philly Airport. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for letting us through the 5 dollar toll area (at 445 am) with the buck 55 in change I scrounged from the bottom of my purse. We, being from far out of town, were relying on our phone navigation to lead us back to the airport. Why the phone genie chose to lead us over a toll bridge, we'll never know. They don't have toll bridges/ roads where we come from.....

Transfer Day

Or, Valium Day, as I'm coming to think of it....

Our appointment was for 915 in the morning. Since we were literally just a mile from the clinic, this was no big deal. The only thing I had to do ahead of time was to start guzzling the water, so my bladder would be full enough for the ultrasound. I started with an 8oz glass about 845. I had at least three, if not four, glasses in before we even left the room.

Chris and I followed the instructions to the clinic. We pulled into a lot that was filled with commercial looking buildings- you know, where there are multiple business offices, doctor offices, dentists, etc. Well, we found three or four different doors, in 2 different buildings, that had the name of the clinic stenciled on them. Which one to choose, which one to choose????

The first door we went to was locked. We rang the conveniently located bell, but no one answered. The second led into this tiny reception area. We stood there for 3 or 4 minutes before deciding there was no one even in the "office". On to door #3. In we walked to a large wood paneled reception are (think late 70s, not mod office) , with the reception girls located behind counters and sliding glass windows. Looks like we finally chose the right door. Lots of women, lots of hustle and bustle.

After the requisite wait in the outer room, and another cup of water, Chris and I were ushered back to the "changing room". Shelved room, tupperware bins on the shelves, and lone chair in the corner. I bared all from the waist down, put on and OR hat and booties, and wrapped a paper gown around myself. Chris climbed into his bunny suit, and also donned booties and a cap. Then the nurse came in with the magic pill.

Most places will give you a pre-transfer relaxation medication. While given mainly to decrease the incidence of uterine contractions, it has the added secondary benefit of being an anti-anxiety happy pill.

On to the transfer room..... Up on the Reagan era exam table (the wood paneling matched the reception room...), and wait for that happy pill to kick in. Now, here's where the whole thing gets fuzzy for me. I remember the tech coming in to see if my bladder was full enough for transfer yet (No. Seriously??? I already have to pee...) Then a little more waiting. And another cup of water.

I remember the doc coming in. I remember Chris putting on his mask, and I remember the ultrasound tech putting the scanner back on my belly. I vaguely remember the speculum (not a bad thing), but I don't remember the actual transfer at all.... I was really wanting to watch the embryos go in, but I totally missed it. Chris saw, and said it was pretty cool....

The next thing I know, the nurse is laying me basically upside down, wanting to know if I I needed the bedpan or if I could wait 30 min. Uuuummmmm... wait? Okay.

5 minutes later I was asking for the bedpan. I have a new appreciation for bedpans. They are NOT easy to use. I can hardly pee in a cup in the doctor's office in the bathroom alone. My bladder, ridiculously overfull as it was, was NOT thrilled with the bedpan idea. It took me awhile, but I made it happen.... All the while praying that those two little embryos weren't tumbling out as I, um, went.

An eye blink later, and the nurse was telling me that I could get dressed and head "home". Chris bundled my sleepy buns into the car, took me back to the hotel, and tucked me into bed. Where I promptly slept 90% of the day away.

We're here!

Yesterday was a looooong day. Our flight left at 7am, which means up by 5. We stumbled our way out of the house, made it to the airport, and caught our first flight. We made it to Chicago O'Hare without incident. Yes, I slept 90% of the way, as I'm prone to do on long trips.

Out layover in Chicago was about 3 hours, which is actually kinda perfect. Chris and I had time to wander around, eat, find our next gate, and people watch for a little while. Our connecting flight to Philly was on time, which was a miracle considering there were big storm systems moving in and out of the area delaying other flights.

We made it to Philly, then on over to New Jersey with no problems too. For a travel day, it went as well as could be expected. The hotel room that will be our home for the next few days is pretty awesome- a king bed, a little sitting area with a couch and ottoman, and a BIG TV hanging on the wall, positioned so we can see it from the couch or the bed. Big bath tub..... Restaurants I love nearby. What else could a girl want???

We met Jason, his mom and dad, and one of his sisters for dinner last night. After months of emailing, calls, and texts, it was so wonderful to actually meet in person! We all headed to the Italian place down the street. After a couple hours of great food and great conversation it was time to head back to the hotel for the night. Jason doesn't live particularly close to the clinic/ hotel, so that was all we are going to be seeing him this trip. Chris and I are both sad not to be spending any more time with him this time- we hit it off so well!

This morning, I'm up and fluid loading for the transfer!!! So crazy that the day is actually here......

T minus...

... 2 days and counting!!!

Getting things packed up and ready for our trip tomorrow.

My first progesterone shot was yesterday. The shot itself was a piece of cake (I had a co-worker give it to me). About 20 minutes later, though, the site started stinging like mad! It also gives me a pretty strange/ funny/ yucky taste in my mouth. But hey, that's what gum is for!!! I also started the progesterone suppositories as well.

I ended up with an eyeball blowing migraine last night, which sucked. I'm wondering if it was triggered by the progesterone; I know that headaches are a side effect. Hopefully my body adjusts to the dose fast!

Looking forward to the arrival of my mom and dad later this afternoon. Then tomorrow morning, Chris and I hop on a plane and head out!

Aaaaannnnnd relax.....

Well, after all my drama yesterday, things were (of course) taken care of.

By some weird quirk of fate, my husband came home from work early with a migraine. That enabled me to hit the local package store to fax my consents AND get them shipped overnight to the IVF coordinator. And lucky us, she got everything!

The good news from yesterday is that we were given the green light to start progesterone on Friday morning. An intense 4 day course of medication leading up to the transfer on the 25th! I was told by the technician here and the coordinator from Jason's clinic that my uterine lining looks "fantastic". Lol.

In the meantime, I'm getting ready for our trip. My mom and dad are going to come to stay with our kids while me and Chris are gone (thanks, Mom and Dad!!!). So, I've been cleaning and putting away all those little things that sit out for months and months. The laundry is getting done, the kids' rooms cleaned.....

On Saturday morning, I'm having a pre-transfer massage. One of the great perks of my agency is pre-pregnancy and pregnancy massage. Something I'm planning on taking full advantage of!

I work the next couple nights, then Chris and I are hopping on a plane and heading East. We're excited to meet Jason in person finally, and to spend a couple days together catching up on life.

The whole transfer still seems a little surreal. We all do all this work, and all these little chores leading up to the big day, and it seems like things are taking for-ev-er. But, before you know it, it's here. And it's here!

I'll post again when we get out East!

Can NOTHING be easy?????

I'm annoyed. And crabby.

With my meds came a stack of consents for the clinic that needed to be signed. Yay!!!! More paperwork.... These consents had to be signed, notarized, and returned to the clinic "as soon as possible". Gotcha.

So, I start my meds. Very exciting, next step, blah, blah, blah. Then I'm off of work for 8 days. We go to my folks' house the next state over, we go to my sister's place- three hours away from that. We come home, I clean, I go back to work.

This weekend, Chris says to me, "Wasn't there something that we needed to have notarized?". I won't lie. It took me about a minute and a half before I had a clue what he was talking about. Then I remembered..... Oh s@*t. The consents. Well, it's Saturday. We'll have to get it done early next week.

Tuesday rolls around, and we have the stack signed and notarized. Whew. Done.

My follow up ultrasound and blood work appt was this morning. So I emailed the coordinator at Jason's clinic to let her know to expect results from the clinic here. I also asked her about the consents. Can we just bring them with us, as we'll be seeing her on Monday, or does she want them faxed first?

The return email boggles me. Well, you'll have to fax them to me as soon as you can, and overnight the originals. Apparently I can't continue on to my "big gun" meds until they have the consents in hand at the clinic. WHAT??????? Nowhere in my paperwork does it say that!!!!! Just "return as soon as possible". Now, I know I'm the one that forgot the consents, and that's totally on me. However, if the paperwork had said something to the effect of me not being able to continue my meds, the consents would have stuck a little more firmly in my mind.

Well, I think, I'm going to be down at the clinic, so I might as well fax the consents from my unit while I'm down there. That way, I don't have to pay anything. So that's what I do. I use the fax number that is listed on Jason's clinic's web page. The same fax number that I've used to fax everything. The same fax number I've given to the clinic here to fax results to.

Now I'm home. I let the coordinator know that the consents are faxed. She says that they haven't received anything, and what number did I fax to? So I gave her the info: the fax number on the contact page of your website. "Oh", she says, "well, that number doesn't even fax into our building, so can you re-fax it to my number?"

NO!!!!! I CANNOT re fax it to your number. I'm at HOME, and I don't have a FAX MACHINE!!!!!!!! My two year old is napping, and my husband is at work. I probably won't make it out of the house until AFTER your office closes. And on top of that, not only am I going to have to still send these papers overnight, I'm now going to have to pay to fax 11 stupid pages through. (If you've known me long enough, you know that it annoys me to have to pay for something I could otherwise do for free.) And I live 35 minutes, both way, away from my "free" fax machine.

And I'm supposed to start my "big gun" meds tomorrow. If this is hung up for another day because I didn't get the paperwork in, Jason's probably not going to be pleased.

UGH!!!! I'm trying to not cry, yell at my kids, and keep my head from blowing off my shoulders.

At least the IVF clinic here in town managed to keep it together for my appt this morning.

Whew!

So now you're pretty much caught up with the story. I recieved a rather large box in the mail the Friday before the 4th of July (well, I think it was Friday...) containing the medications I would need. Since we weren't needing to coordinate my cycle with an intended mother or an egg donor, my med regimen is a bit simpler than that of some others I've heard.

I've been taking estrogen supplements for the last 10 days or so. I had a baseline ultrasound to measure my uterine lining, and some blood work , and will have a follow up of the same tests later this week.

I'm lucky, I've learned. My estrogen is in pill form. Most of the other gals I've talked to, or know, who have prepared for IVF have had to give themselves estrogen shots. Oh, but my time is coming......

If all looks good with my follow-up ultrasound and blood work, then I'll start what I consider the intense preparation meds. I'll have to start giving myself daily shots of progesterone. It's an IM shot. Right into the bum muscle. Says the girl who couldn't even poke her finger for a blood sugar in anatomy lab.... Chris swears he's NOT going to be giving me any shots. He and needles do not get along very well. Really. I'll just have to get through that first shot. If I can do one, then I can do 100. Good thing, too. If the transfer takes and I get pregnant, I'll have to give myself progesterone shots for awhile....

So far I haven't noticed any side effects from the estrogen. I don't think I've been particularly grumpy, or emotional. But I haven't asked Chris, either... he may have a different thought on that! I'm curious to see what the other meds do, if anything.

I can't believe my transfer is in a week. The time is just going to fly by!!!

Where were we.....

.... oh yes. Just at the end of my "fantastic" appointment at the local fertility clinic.

So, my appointment was Monday. The hope was that all results would be into Jason's clinic by Thursday so my meds could be mailed out Friday. This was such a BIG step... I felt like we would finally, truly be able to consider ourselves fully in the surrogacy game if I could just make it to meds this time.

The clinic here called me Tuesday am to let me know that they were sending my results through to Jason's clinic. I already knew that the mock transfer went well, and I knew that the HSG was all clear. I was 99.9% certain that my blood work would all be okay, too. But in the very back of my mind, I was still thinking "please, please, please....".

I'm not sure what I was doing that day, but I'm pretty sure it was Chris that alerted me to the fact that I had an email from Jason's clinic just sitting idly in my inbox. Weird, since my phone usually alerts with emails. Okay, when I actually hear the thing.....

I thought it would be from the coordinator at the clinic just letting me know that labs had come thru. But it was even better than that. There were attachments with a med schedule for me!!!!!! Chris and I had "passed" all our testing and screening requirements. We could officially get my medications ordered, and I actually had a schedule "in hand" with real dates on it! There it was in writing: projected transfer date, July 25th.

It's actually going to happen this time. We're really going to be able to do this!

A comedy of errors

Oh! So, I talked to my IF about the blog a little, and he gave me permission to use his "real" info. His name is Jason, and he lives in New York City. A far cry and way more exciting than where we're from.... :)

All right, back to the story. My screening appt was set for 10am. I got out of the house a few minutes late, and was kind of rushing to get there. I had to wait a month for that appointment, and I didn't want to look bad by being late! I rushed into the office, and signed in right at 10. Whew! Even though there were only two of us in the waiting room, there were a lot of people breezing in and out of there. Busy office, but not surprising as it's the only fertility clinic in town.

I was hoping for a relatively quick, smooth appointment. Here's what I got:

Error #1: the clinic lost my orders. They tried (several times) to convince me that Jason's clinic had never even sent orders over. BS, as they wouldn't even schedule my appointment- a month ago!- without orders. By the time the order thing was figured out, 3/4 of my hour long appointment were gone. I was terrified that they were going to tell me we would have to reschedule. Thank goodness they didn't....

Error #2: the doctor proceeded to do an intake history on me. Even though Jason's clinic had already done one. And I had relayed that info to the nurse at the clinic....

Error #3: the doc couldn't seem to find the right catheter to deliver the dye into my uterus for the x-ray shots she needed.... It all kept leaking back out. Leading to...

Error #4: they ran out of dye they "prefer". Completely. In the whole clinic. I proceeded to hang out on the table, equipment all in place, while the doc and the MA scurried around trying to find out if the replacement dye they had in the cabinet was safe for intra-uterine use. At one point, the doc "apologized" by telling me that, "Well since we didn't have your orders, we had no idea we would be doing this today"...

Error #5: when I was positioned up on the table, it moved out of place a little bit. So, the xray camera wasn't lined up correctly. They were going to bring in some other people to help move the table back into the correct position with me still on it. I pointed out that it might just be easier for me to move myself. so, I ended up shimmying around the table until I made it into the correct position. Again, equipment all in place. Ladies, if you've had a pap, you know to which equipment I'm referring.....

Now, the x-ray test she was doing was the hysterosalpingoscope the clinic needed. Let's talk about that for a second. That ridiculously long word basically means "an xray shot of the inside of your uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure nothing is blocked". They accomplish this by injecting (I think about) 30 to 60cc of water-based dye into the uterus and taking the pics. The fluid expels from the uterus into the abdominal cavity, and is reabsorbed. Now, the doc warned me that there might be some cramping when she injected the dye. Nope, none at all. However, once the pics were taken and the dye was making its way into my abdominal cavity, well that was a different story. It cramped like mad!!! And I was already having a shitty time at the clinic, so the cramping annoyed me. The MA did give me a Motrin.... but still.

Error #6: My blood work. While the orders were getting straightened out, the nurse noticed the extremely looooong list of blood tests I needed. She said, "you're planning on having these drawn at the hospital, right?". I almost came unglued. I tried to explain to her slowly, and very calmly that no. When I talked with the scheduling gal, the plan was for the mock transfer, the HSG, and the lab work all to be done at THIS appointment. That way all the results would come from the same place at the same time. So by the time I actually had my blood drawn (7 vials later)I was ready to get the hell out of that place and never go back!!!

The one hour appointment ended up taking two. And now I lament that they are the only fertility clinic in town. If they could mess up that much in one visit......

The dreaded pre-medication final screening

In the surrogacy world, before you're even considered for embryo transfer, you have to pass a medical screening put in place by whatever fertility clinic is doing the transfer. I'm assuming that the screening is fairly standard, as my two lists of "what to expect" were similar. There are blood draws for me and Chris, a pap for me, an "investigation" of my uterus to make sure it's got all the pieces and parts and functioning correctly, and a "mock transfer" (where the doc does what will happen during an actual transfer for measuring purposes). Of course, this is only after all my medical records have been reviewed.

While it's a lot of little things, it's fairly benign. For someone who has had healthy pregnancies, and no medical problems. Someone like me. But, I thought the same thing a year ago.

This was the part I was the most apprehensive about. Logically I knew I had nothing to worry about. But this is where my last surrogacy came to a screeching halt. One of my docs who had cleared me for pregnancy last year suddenly pulled the plug. This time I was cleared by three different doctors. I had it written down and in hand. I wasn't going to be derailed again....

All I has to do was "pass" these tests, then we would have the green light to move forward. To meds. To a transfer!!! I wasn't worried about the blood work at all. I had a pap with my OB a few months before, so I didn't have to do that again. So, there was the mock transfer, and something called a hysterosalpingoscope (HSG).... I think that HSG might deserve a post of its own!

Screenings

So, now we're matched!!! What comes next? Well, lots of things. Chris and I were both going to have some screening to go through and we had a legal contract to pound out before we could even think about meds and a transfer. Sounds pretty simple, right?

Like I mentioned in the last post, Ben had made it partway through a surro-journey himself the previous year. Because of this, he already has a fertility clinic he was working with and trusted. He also has frozen embryos that are ready to go. We both felt that that would put us ahead of the game. All we had to worry about was the blood work, an ultrasound or two, and a fairly straightforward contract. Right???

Well. Before I could even get orders for the needed pre-testing, I had to submit my OB and delivery records to the IVF clinic. I had to be cleared by my doc for pregnancy, and send proof of the clearance to the clinic. That alone took a little while to handle. Once I was given the green light to make a testing appointment, I called the local fertility clinic. They are going to take care of pre- and post transfer blood work and ultrasounds close to home, while the actual transfer will take place at Ben's clinic.

I have friends who have dealt with infertility. I understand that everything is based on the timing of monthly cycles. SO, I thought that I would be seen by the clinic fairly quickly based on where I was in my cycle and what our goals were for a transfer date. Um, no. I called, and I'm pretty sure my jaw hit the floor when the scheduling gal told me that, for the kind of pre-screening I needed, I was going to have to wait almost a month. A month!!!! Really??? For a blood draw and some uterine examinations????? Again, I was a bit incredulous. But, seeing as they are the only fertility clinic in town, I had no choice but to wait.

In the end, it worked out. It always does. In the month that we waited for that appointment, Chris, Ben, and I worked together to pound out a legal contract that was acceptable to all parties. Chris was able to take care of the blood work screening that he had to participate in (not a happy moment for him). Oh! And Chris and I had our personality screenings. I wrote a little about it last year.... Remember? The MMPI??? It was as crazy this year as it was last year. But this time, Chris had to do one too.... He thought it was as nuts as I did. But hey, it proved that WE aren't nuts. Really.

All leading up to my screening with the fertility clinic. The part of the journey where things fell apart for us last time.

Getting "matched"....

One of the most nerve-wracking parts of surrogacy(so far) was the being matched part. Now, we'd done this once before, and had an idea of what was going to happen. I thought I'd be less nervous, but I wasn't.

I'm horribly impatient. With the larger agency I was with before, I was surprised and impressed by how quickly the matching process went. It seemed that they mush have had couples waiting in the wings for a carrier to apply. I was afraid that it would take longer to get a match with a smaller agency- a lot longer. And I truly do suck at waiting. I had heard stories from friends about so-and-so who was listed with this and that agency, but never got a call with prospective IPs.

But Tess was great and had our profile together and out to some of her waiting IPs in no time. (Tess is my "Anna". She said I can absolutely use her real name and that she does NOT look like an Anna. She's right, she doesn't....) The hard part was waiting for the IPs to get back to Tess. Once a set of prospective parents has a profile, then they contact Tess and tell her whether or not they're interested. Some places put time limits on how long both the IPs and the carriers have to review each others' files. Some agencies don't have any time limits. I think I emailed Tess daily, and bugged her with the "have you heard anything yet???"

One morning, not very long later at all, I had a message from Tess. "Call me when you get this." Someone had seen our profile on a surro-site Tess uses, and was interested in me. Specifically in me. Tess had a phone interview with him later that morning, and if all went well, I could maybe be talking to him by later that afternoon. Holy cow!!!

Sure enough, later that afternoon, I found myself talking to Ben (made up name... ;)). Ben lives across the country from us, and is extremely excited to be a parent. Ben had also started a surrogacy journey that fell through- about the same time that Chris and I had last year. I felt like that gave us an almost instant connection. Like before, I was super nervous before our phonecall, and I paced the whole time. It happened so fast, that I didn't have anything put together. No list of questions to ask, no game plan for what we might talk about. I was flustered. So much so that I totally forgot to have him speak with Chris on the phone at all!!!

Overall, the call went well. I felt good about Ben, and I was pretty sure he felt good about me. I wasn't going to decide anything without talking to my husband, though. No matter what, this is an experience that doesn't affect just me. It was a couple days before Chris and Ben could talk, but they seemed to like each other well enough. Ben and I spoke again, too, and we got along well. I got the sense that the both of us were being cautious- maybe because we'd done it before and had things fall apart.

It happened more quietly, and with less, oh... fanfare, I guess, than the big agency. But after our phone calls and some communication with Tess, Ben was matched to our family. Or maybe our family was matched to him.

And I thought, Let the adventure truly begin......

Emotions

This time I found myself more reluctant to talk about the whole surrogacy process. I didn't tell anyone for awhile that Chris and I were pursuing surrogacy again, and when I DID talk about it, it was only to a very few. Even now, I'm still hesitant to talk about where we're at. We're further through the process, though, and it's time to start sharing again. I know I didn't talk about it much because I was afraid of something derailing our efforts again. There is so much involved in the primary steps of surrogacy, that it can go awry long before an actual embryo transfer ever takes place.

I know I've said it before, but I was so crushed when things fell apart last year. Putting yourself out there for something like this- on both ends of it- makes us very vulnerable. I've compared it to a blind date before, and I stick to that. Actually, it's a lot like online dating. Okay, I've never on-line dated. But I've been there with a few friends who have. Think about it: You fill out an intake questionnaire, create a profile, and upload a few pics. Then you wait while prospective "dates" look over your info. Then, if someone likes your profile, you "meet". In this case, it's usually over the phone. But there are a lot of pauses, and conversation shifts, and you're each trying to find your groove. In an ideal situation, it's not awkward.... but realistically it's probably pretty awkward. Then, if you "like" each other, you're matched.

You're expected to form some sort of relationship with your IPs. It's up to you (and them) what kind of relationship it is. Some people prefer a business-like experience. Some are like friends, and then others are like family. But there is some sort of relationship there.

Then comes all the screening: medical screening, psych screening, background checks, legal agreements. All points in a journey where something can come undone. If you're lucky, you make it all the way through the initial screenings to the "fun" part: meds and then a transfer. Hopefully just one transfer. Hopefully a pregnancy takes, then goes well. Finally producing a healthy baby for a very lucky parent or two.

I don't think that people think about the fact that it can end during any step of the process. You are so invested in the experience. It consumes your time, and your life as things get underway. You and your family are going to be tied to your IPs for a year at the very least. I know I was so focused on the end goal that I didn't even take the time to wonder what I would do if things didn't progress. I knew that there was a possibility that I wouldn't get pregnant, and that things would "end" then. But I never once stopped to consider that I wouldn't make it through any of the screening/initial processes.

Then it happened. Before I even got to the medical screening with N&Y's doctor. But after we had already met, and started forming a relationship with these two wonderful men. My journey ended. The possibility of something beautiful, life changing, and just overall awesome was gone.

So, coming into this a second time, I was more hesitant. What if it happened again? What if Chris and I opened up our family and our lives only to have our journey arrested before it really got anywhere? Were we really going to risk that again?

We decided to. But stepping more carefully than before. I've passed all the screenings this time, and our legal contracts are done. I start my medications soon. I feel like we're in a place where this journey is going to move forward, for better or for worse. And it's time to share the experience again.

Getting started..... again

Holy Hannah. We're actually going to do this again. Take a deep breath in. Okay. Where to start??? Well, guess I better email Anna, and see if her offer still stands. And, oh yeah, doctor clearance.

When Chris and I decided we were going to do this, I talked to one of the docs I work with. Very informally. I gave him the quick and dirty with all the problems I'd had since my gallbladder surgery, and where everything stands now. He said that it didn't sound like anything that would contraindicate pregnancy. Wanting to definitively cross all my t's and dot my i's, I made an appointment with him for a formal pre-pregnancy consultation.

Then one relatively short email later,to Anna, and I found myself filling out an application that felt very familiar to me. I sent in my little "About Us" blurb, the requisite pictures of the fam, and suddenly I was listed with an agency again.

Being listed with a smaller agency is a vastly different experience than being listed with a large agency like I was last time. I'm not sure one is better than the other, but they are certainly different.

Anyhow. Chris and I still had a same sex couple listed as out primary, oh... interest, I guess you'd call it. Anna didn't have any same-sex couples currently seeking a carrier, so Chris and I started shifting our projections to include a "traditional" hetero couple. It felt different, and not as comfortable to us both, but I figured that was the trade off for being listed with a smaller agency. Our major requirement, however, was that whomever we were carrying for had to be stateside. The international route was an adventure for sure, but one we didn't really want to repeat. Don't get me wrong, we adore N&Y (who are the proud papas of two very handsome baby boys, BTW), but the language barrier was more stressful for me than I admitted before- and now the guys are having unforeseen legal issues with birth certificate issues d/t international rules. No thank you.....

So, Anna put our profile out there. The next step was to wait, and see if we got any bites.

Moving on...

Well, here we are. More than a year after the last post on this blog. Things are very different now then they were then. For those of you who followed me before, you'll notice that 98% of my old blogs are gone. Well, this is a new year and a new journey.

I thought long and hard about posting again. I'm an awful blogger. It takes time, effort, and dedication. In my world, there's not a lot of extra time- no matter how much dedication I feel! But in the end, I think this is a great place to kick around some thoughts, and to share my feelings on any given day.

Chris and I have been back in the surrogacy game for about three months now. After everything fell through last spring, we were both pretty crushed. It took awhile to decide if this was even something we wanted to pursue again. It was something I thought a lot about, and Chris and I kicked it back and forth a lot.

Then I met, oh... let's call her Anna. (I haven't asked the people involved in my journey for permission to use their names, so I'm not going to.) Anna was a patient of mine at the hospital. And she just happens to own a surrogacy agency here in our town. Anna and I talked a lot over the time that she was in the hospital. It made me sad, and a little hopeful to talk to her. I was sad about how things had turned out for me and Chris the previous spring, but hopeful that we could give it a go again. Someday. Anna told me that, if I could get the proper clearance from my doctors, that she would take me into her agency if it was something that I wanted to pursue. I filed that in the back of my mind...

Fast forward a few months. Suddenly, I decided that I definitely wanted back into the game. I'm not sure what the catalyst was (Chris might remember, but he's not home for me to ask) but I was ready to try again. Maybe it was that we were closing in on that one year mark from the beginning of our first journey. Maybe it was that one of my friends was on track with her own surrogacy; or that other friends around me were talking about getting pregnant. But I started to desperately want it again. So, I talked to Chris. And as always, he was 100% supportive of my decision to go for it.

And here we are. It's been a very full three months, and I'm not going to retell the story all in one post. Wouldn't want you getting bored, now would we??? But I'll take you form the beginning through where we are now, and then we can share this adventure together.

Hopefully this time, we'll end up in that most coveted place: With a baby in the arms of a very deserving parent.