Emotions

This time I found myself more reluctant to talk about the whole surrogacy process. I didn't tell anyone for awhile that Chris and I were pursuing surrogacy again, and when I DID talk about it, it was only to a very few. Even now, I'm still hesitant to talk about where we're at. We're further through the process, though, and it's time to start sharing again. I know I didn't talk about it much because I was afraid of something derailing our efforts again. There is so much involved in the primary steps of surrogacy, that it can go awry long before an actual embryo transfer ever takes place.

I know I've said it before, but I was so crushed when things fell apart last year. Putting yourself out there for something like this- on both ends of it- makes us very vulnerable. I've compared it to a blind date before, and I stick to that. Actually, it's a lot like online dating. Okay, I've never on-line dated. But I've been there with a few friends who have. Think about it: You fill out an intake questionnaire, create a profile, and upload a few pics. Then you wait while prospective "dates" look over your info. Then, if someone likes your profile, you "meet". In this case, it's usually over the phone. But there are a lot of pauses, and conversation shifts, and you're each trying to find your groove. In an ideal situation, it's not awkward.... but realistically it's probably pretty awkward. Then, if you "like" each other, you're matched.

You're expected to form some sort of relationship with your IPs. It's up to you (and them) what kind of relationship it is. Some people prefer a business-like experience. Some are like friends, and then others are like family. But there is some sort of relationship there.

Then comes all the screening: medical screening, psych screening, background checks, legal agreements. All points in a journey where something can come undone. If you're lucky, you make it all the way through the initial screenings to the "fun" part: meds and then a transfer. Hopefully just one transfer. Hopefully a pregnancy takes, then goes well. Finally producing a healthy baby for a very lucky parent or two.

I don't think that people think about the fact that it can end during any step of the process. You are so invested in the experience. It consumes your time, and your life as things get underway. You and your family are going to be tied to your IPs for a year at the very least. I know I was so focused on the end goal that I didn't even take the time to wonder what I would do if things didn't progress. I knew that there was a possibility that I wouldn't get pregnant, and that things would "end" then. But I never once stopped to consider that I wouldn't make it through any of the screening/initial processes.

Then it happened. Before I even got to the medical screening with N&Y's doctor. But after we had already met, and started forming a relationship with these two wonderful men. My journey ended. The possibility of something beautiful, life changing, and just overall awesome was gone.

So, coming into this a second time, I was more hesitant. What if it happened again? What if Chris and I opened up our family and our lives only to have our journey arrested before it really got anywhere? Were we really going to risk that again?

We decided to. But stepping more carefully than before. I've passed all the screenings this time, and our legal contracts are done. I start my medications soon. I feel like we're in a place where this journey is going to move forward, for better or for worse. And it's time to share the experience again.