It never ceases to amaze me how fast the time goes. It's been a year and a half since we first started talking with Johnny and Seth. In that time we've had three visits, on both sides of the country, 2 IVF transfers, one miscarriage, and the birth of one incredible boy. Yet it seems like we just started contemplating our whole journey!
I had my court appointment yesterday to terminate my parental rights to Levi. In the state where we live, this is the final step of the surrogacy process. So, Journey #2 is officially over. I've said it before... At the beginning of the whole process, I feel like the birth of a child is that almost unattainable goal at the end of a long tunnel with no end in sight. The first stages are full of appointments, and medications, and anxiety, and hope. Then the pregnancy itself is 9 whole months! That should take for.ev.er to pass, right? Well, it really doesn't..... I can't believe it is December, and that Levi is here, that I'm not pregnant any more. It goes SO fast looking back on everything. Which is why I try my hardest to pay attention to, and cherish, every moment.
I've been blessed with two incredible families to carry for. I say that my second journey is "over", but I know that that really isn't the case. The legal processes are done, and Levi is here and settled with his family, but this is not "the end" for us. Chris, our kids, and I have been accepted into the hearts and lives of two amazing families. Our family has expanded to include everyone as well. At the risk of sounding really mushy and cliche, surrogacy has brought us so much more than two beautiful children.
I feel peaceful after this second journey. It took me a few days to put my finger on the right word for my feelings, but I settled on peaceful. It's been almost two weeks since Levi was born. He came early on a Monday morning, and left for home with his family Thursday afternoon. In the three days after his delivery, I was able to spend as much time as I wanted with Levi- and S&J. They allowed me the things that are important to me after delivery- time being the biggest one. I was able to feed Levi, change him, snuggle him, and show him off to my friends and family. The last night we were in the hospital, Seth and Johnny got one last night of baby-free sleep at their hotel, gifting me with uninterrupted time with Levi. Between Wednesday afternoon and Thursday afternoon I think we packed in a week's worth of visits- pictures, food, messages, and being together, our family and theirs. And then it was time for them to take Levi home.
The goodbyes are always hard. Our family "grew" this beautiful baby for 39.3 weeks. I carried him with love, the same way that I carried my own babies. I was more prepared for the emotions this time- the love that I felt for this child that wasn't mine, the inevitable separation when it was time for me to step back from being the care giver and turning that role over to his parents, the bittersweet of our last "see you soon, and this is NOT goodbye" at the hotel on Thursday morning.... Our experience with Jason and Mia prepared me for all that. But it still sucked (lol). Suddenly, Chris and I wished we lived a whole lot closer to the East coast- or that everyone would move out our way!
I say I'm peaceful because settling back into our "normal" routines at home was easier this time. I think it's because we have done this before. After Mia went home, I struggled a little bit with not having a baby to care for. Chris and I were used to bringing home that new little bundle from the hospital and having our world turned upside down for awhile. And here I was, newly delivered, with no baby at home. For about a week, I felt as though something was missing. After Seth and Johnny took Levi home, I expected to feel the same way; I watched for it, prepared to tell everyone I was doing okay- but maybe lying just a little. But that missing feeling never came, and it still hasn't. I am perfectly content with my little family here, getting back to "normal", and enjoying my time off from work. I talk to S&J at least once a day right now, and love getting their updates- or just chatting like we did before Levi was here.
It helps knowing that these people are a part of our lives now. I won't ever have to wonder how Mia and Levi are doing, how they are growing, if they are loved. Even if our contact tapers off, I know that we'll still be included in milestone moments and life's big events. Chris, and the kids, and I may be that branch of crazy family that lives really far away, but we will still be family. Who knew when we started down the surrogacy path all those years ago that our lives would be enriched in so many ways? These experiences have turned into so much more than I ever expected them to be, and I am grateful for every moment- all the ups and the downs.
So, it's come to that time again. Time to say goodbye to another surrogacy journey, time to say goodbye to my surro blog. Already, my friends are asking me "Do you think you'll do this again???". And my answer is "Well, it's just too soon to tell". I already miss being pregnant- there is something truly magical about growing another life inside you, and feeling that little person start to move and grow. Bringing new life into the world is one of the most amazing, special feelings... And even after a difficult delivery, I can look back and say I would do it all over again. So who knows? Maybe in a couple years, I can revisit this blog and share another journey with you. We'll just have to wait and see.
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