My pregnancy is special, too....

As most of you well know, I'm a nurse. I work in a fairly large hospital in the labor and delivery area. So, I work with mostly other women. Right now there are 11 of us pregnant (I think, it might only be 10), with 4 of us due in April. It's pretty crazy, but fun to be pregnant with so many other gals at the same time. Well, usually it's fun. It's been a little different this time, and I'm feeling a little defensive about it.

I was at work one night last week, and 5 of the staff on that night were from the pool of us preggo girls. We were sitting around in the early morning discussing who all was pregnant, when we were due, etc. One of my co-workers who I don't see very often looked at me and said, "You're pregnant, too, right?" Then another of my co-corkers looked over and said, "Yeah, but she's not keeping that baby," with a weird little tone. Then another of my co-workers, a close friend this time, said to me the other night, "Well I just don't get as excited about your pregnancy because this baby isn't going to be around, and we're not going to see him/her grow up."

Okay. I totally understand, and I get it. But this pregnancy is just as special as the other ones, and just as special to me as being pregnant with my own babies. In some respects, it is more special. These 40-ish weeks that I'm pregnant is the only time that I will be responsible for the care of this baby. It's the only time that this amazing little person will be a part of my daily life. My family is helping someone start a family of their own. I think that's pretty darn special.

Sure, my pregnancy is different. People don't understand what I'm doing, and/or why I'm doing it. I expect random comments from people I don't know very well, and even from the older set. If my grandma had something to say about it, for example. But it's a lot harder to hear from close friends, and people who I know are exposed to it on a regular basis.

There are friends of mine who may think I'm crazy, or who deep down don't understand. But please try to remember that, even though we're not keeping this baby, this pregnancy is special to me too. Please think about what you say to me before you say it.

Weeks 14 and 15

Okay... I was going to do a separate blog for each week. But I'm at work (in the wee hours), and I left my "list of things that happened this week" for 14 weeks' at home.....

What's new?

Well, I started going back to Zumba. Just once a week, and I've only been twice so far. It wasn't nearly as challenging as I thought it would be. I toned it down a little, and don't do a lot of the really...bouncy moves (like jumping jacks when she throws them in), but otherwise keeping up with the group is pretty easy. And my body seems to tolerate it well, too. I may try to up it to twice a week, with walking the track once a week. We'll see what happens. That's some pretty ambitious stuff.....

I finally found some shirts at Target that are working for me. Not maternity shirts.... just regular Ts. I'm sure I'll grow out of them at some point, but they have appeased my appetite for a few new pieces for the time being. My other new "discovery"???

One of those Belly Bands!!! I will be the first to admit that I thought they were the stupidest thing ever. Really, a stretchy tube of fabric that's supposed to hold your pants up when you can't get them buttoned anymore??? (Me rolling eyes) That stretchy panel doesn't hold my maternity pants up.... How on Earth would it ever hold up regular, non-maternity, unbuttoned pants? But, as last post told you, I was getting desperate for wearable clothes. These Belly Bands were prominently displayed in Target's maternity section. What the hell? I thought, then threw one in the cart.

I got a size small. I've figured out that the problem with my maternity pants right now is that they really are too big. There's too much fabric in the hips, and the stretchy part is too loose and doesn't squeeze me enough to hold anything up. As a result, my pants always fall down. Well, this size small Belly Band is a tiny little miracle. It holds everything up. Unbuttoned non-maternity pants, my work scrubs, maternity pants, you name it. I'm thinking I need to buy at least two more. Maybe three.....

Something more exciting than wardrobe, you ask? Hmmmmm...... Well, I AM starting to feel the baby move. :)

Just little flutters and small pokes, but there is definitely some movement in there. It's only once or twice a day, and I can't will it to happen, but it's there. I'm so excited to get to the point where the baby is a little bigger and I can feel him or her all the time. It's one of the most magical experiences ever!

Okay. It's time. I've been bad about posting pics. But with this being my 4th pregnancy, there was definitely a little "extra" in the tummy department hanging around from the previous three... I refuse to post belly pics until it actually looks like a baby belly, and not just left over fluff. I thik we're getting there.

So..... This is me, at 15 weeks'.

Week 13

Looking back, there's a lot that happened in this 13th week!

I was finally given the go-ahead by the IVF clinic to wean off my meds- the progesterone and estrogen I was taking to help support the pregnancy. Hallelujah!!!! That takes me down to a prenatal vitamin and a few occasional TUMS. For now, anyway..... The meds turned out to be one of the hardest things for me. I knew going in that I would be on progesterone and estrogen for approx 12 weeks after conception, and I didn't think it would be an issue. But there were just so many of them.... I felt like I was popping a pill or worrying about a suppository every time I turned around. I know it was necessary, and I would certainly do it again, but I am glad it's done for the time being.

My goal this pregnancy was to stay active, and try to exercise all the way through. It was disappointed when my OB said "no activity" after the bleed. Good news, though... Since the bleed has stopped growing, he cleared me for exercise again. Even said I could go back to my Zumba class if I wanted! I thought I'd start small, though- since I haven't exercised much at all since the transfer. I decided I'd walk/jog the track at the rec center. So, I walked 2 laps, jogged 1; walked 2 laps, jogged one. And then had to stop. The jogging really didn't "sit" well with my body- my back started aching and my whole pelvic floor area started to hurt. Sooooo.... no more jogging for me. Drat. I walked the track a couple days later, and that seemed to work much better. But after almost a year of pretty routine vigorous activity, walking just doesn't feel like enough. I wonder what Zumba would be like???

Getting dressed continues to be a challenge. My maternity pants fall down, my pre-pregnancy pants don't button.... I hate all my winter shirts that I've had for the past 4 years. But when I go out shopping to look for a few new things, I don't like what's out there to choose from. I don't really want to buy a lot of maternity things, but none of the "regular" shirts out there jump out at me either. So, I end up going back home with nothing, and staring in my closet before finally just grabbing something to throw on, and not looking at the mirror on my way by. Maybe in a couple more weeks, when my belly is more baby-round???

The only physical symptom that's new is heartburn. I'm starting to get more and more heartburn at night. I was hoping that this pregnancy would be different, considering I'm minus one gallbladder this time and all, but it doesn't appear to be so. Oh well. Heartburn and I are like BFFs.... I'll just have to invest in some zantac. My appetite is all strange now, too. I don't have much nausea, but I also don't have much of an appetite either. It makes figuring out "what's for dinner" particularly tricky... ;)

Week 12

The highlight of this week was a visit from Jason!

We had an appointment scheduled here so he could meet my doctor, and so he could have a chance to see the baby on ultrasound. It was a short, but very good visit. The appointment went well- seeing the baby is always fun, and he or she was just bouncing away in there! We were finally able to catch Baby's heartbeat on doppler, too. The ultrasound tech caught a great profile of Baby while we were there. It always amazes me how 100% formed and baby- looking a fetus is, even at just over 12 weeks' gestation.

After the appointment, Jason was able to come back to our place. There, he experienced just a small portion of our daily life: a playdate to host, soccer practice cancelled for rain, dance class... And all of that from just 3-5 in the afternoon! We all went out to dinner at our favorite local Mexican place, and tried to hit the cupcake place our family enjoys so much. Unfortunately, they had closed 15 minutes early that night, so that is something we'll have to do next time. After getting back to the house, we visited for awhile longer. But before too long, it was late and Jason had to head back to his hotel. Maybe next time we can actually show Jason some of the sights around town..... But lucky for me, he said he's not much of a sightseer anyway!!!

We'll see Jason again for our 20 week anatomy scan. And, if the baby cooperates, we'll find out if I'm carrying Baby Girl or Baby Boy. I think Boy.... But only time will tell!

Weeks 10 and 11

It's been awhile! I forget how crazy life is during soccer season....

I feel like I've seen my OB more at the beginning of this pregnancy than I did with my others! But, that bleed has made more appointments necessary. It doesn't bother me, though. I really like seeing that the baby is healthy in there. And it made it easier to discover that the bleed has stopped growing! It's still there, but has been the same size for at least three weeks.

I'm trying to remember what the highlights of the last two weeks have been.... This is why I should NOT put off blogging!

I'm still having some waves of nausea, but really it's not that bad at all. It seems to be dying down more quickly than I'm used to. I can actually stomach my beloved Diet Coke again! (Though I can't make it thru a full one....) I'm still happiest with carbs to eat, but some protein has been okay too. Chicken is still a no go, but it may be like that the whole time. I went through a few days where all I wanted to eat were almond poppyseed muffins from Costco!

Which is why I may already be growing out of my pants..... ;) No, really. It feels like my little belly has popped out over the last two weeks. My pants are tight, but my maternity clothes are too big- I'm in that awkward phase where all I can wear are pajama pants or yoga-like pants and be comfortable. I'm glad that I own longer t-shirts, too. Why is it that maternity clothes get wider and not longer???

With no bleeding, good news from the doc, and feeling a bit better it's been a pretty good two weeks. I'm looking forward to things getting even better, and returning to "normal" in the next few weeks.

Week 9

Well, it's certainly been an interesting week.

After "The Bleed" as we're coming to call it, I've been a nervous wreck. Even though the doctor said that things looked as good as they could look at this point, I still was afraid to move! I spent about 2 days on the couch, trying as hard as I could not do do anything.... But, I had to get back to work and real life at some point.

Over the course of a couple days, I increased my activity level back up to "normal". I still don't do any heavy lifting, and try not to pick up Finn as often as before. But anyone who has a clingy two year old knows that that is really hard. I try to make sure that I am using the best body mechanics (thank you nursing school...) possible to lift him. I can't exercise, or engage in any sort of "vigorous" activity.

I'm a little bummed about the no exercise part. I'm in better shape starting this pregnancy than I was with my last two. I've never exercised through a pregnancy before, and that was one of my goals this time around. But, there's always after the baby is born to get back into the swing of things.

I had a repeat ultrasound yesterday afternoon (a week and a day after the initial scan). The baby is growing right on track, getting bigger every time I see it! This time, there was even a little movement out of the little one. It's always a relief to see that the baby is doing so well.

The bleed is still there, and in fact is bigger than it was last week. My doctor explained to me that it means the bleed is still active. It hasn't moved in my uterus though, which is a good sign, and it hasn't impeded the growth of the baby at all- which is the major thing they look for. The expectation is, that as the pregnancy grows bigger, it will put pressure on the bleed site reducing then ultimately stopping the bleed. The resulting clot may be reabsorbed, or it may not. While the bleed is concerning on one hand, as long as the baby is growing appropriately and consistently, there's really not much to do or worry about.

The longer I go without actively bleeding, the less nervous I feel. Seeing the bleed always makes me worry a bit, because it's pretty easy to not focus on something you can't see. I'll be happy when I get to where I can feel the baby move. I take comfort in my daily bouts of nausea, and the fact that my clothes are getting a little bit tighter- it's all I have right now to assure me that everything is on track.

If THAT never happens again....

It's been a crazy weekend. And not crazy in a good way.

Sunday afternoon I woke up (after working) as usual. Had a good evening with the husband and kids, and life was progressing as normal. Nothing different, no weirdness, nothing strange whatsoever.

That evening, I got ready to put the kids in the tub. And (maybe TMI, but oh well) felt like I had to visit the potty. So I did. And was hit with some awful abdominal cramping and really bad nausea. I'm not a puker (thankfully) even when I'm pregnant. But before I knew it, I was throwing up.

Enter that light headed, sweaty, man I'm going to pass out feeling- along with some pretty intense abdominal cramping. So, I did what I always do in crampy situations; I got in a hot bath. Of course, my two youngest kids were with me in the bathroom the whole time, and my two year old insisted on getting in the tub with me (after imitating me throwing up, I might add...).

Fast forward about an hour. My husband came to the rescue, and my kids were all put to bed. The horrible cramping that I had had eased up a little, and I was laying in bed. Then the worst imaginable thing happened. I started to bleed. I just knew that something was horribly wrong.

Chris called Jason to let him know that something was going on. I just couldn't at that point. I continued to bleed pretty heavily for the next three or so hours, and passed a couple clots. I was miscarrying. I just knew it. I called the on-call doc and she was pretty uninspiring: well, the clinic is closed tomorrow for the holiday, so call on Tuesday morning.....

Monday was hard. I struggled with a sense of failure and disappointment, Chris was at a loss because this had never happened before, and Jason was devastated. Emotionally we were all wrecked. Physically, I was doing okay. Surprisingly, I wasn't really bleeding any more; just some really dark brown bleeding/ spotting. I nursed a vague spark of a hope that miraculously everything would be okay....

This morning I called the office first thing. I talked to the nurse and told her what had happened. We were both pretty sure I had miscarried. She was going to make me an appointment to see my doc next week. I asked if they would do an ultrasound for confirmation. In my heart, I just needed that visual to be 100% sure. And Jason needed it too. She managed to get me an appointment for 1030.

I went by myself (usually the whole fam comes along). Of course things were running late, but finally I was back in the ultrasound room, on the table in the dark. When the picture popped up on the screen, I braced myself, knowing I would see, well.... nothing.

Imagine my open-mouthed, jaw-dropping shock when a little bean- shaped being swimming in a pool of fluid appeared on the screen. And then, when the tech zoomed in, I saw that little fluttery heartbeat. I cried. I was so thankful.

It turns out that I have a subchorionic hemorrhage. It sounds scary, but is something that is fairly common. It can cause anywhere from a small to large amount of bleeding in the first and second trimesters. Usually they resolve on their own, but sometimes they don't. So, I'm not out of the woods yet. I'm on some restrictions that I haven't had before, and I need to lay low and take it easy. My doc says that I may have more bleeding. But we'll do here whatever it takes to maintain the pregnancy.

A wild emotional ride that I never want to take again......