Mountainous Ridges

So this post is about a week late.  I had to get over my own frustration before I could sit down and write about the latest.

I had my water ultrasound last Tuesday morning.  You know, the last little chore thing that I had to do before I could get excited about that med calendar Natalie sent a couple weeks ago now.  I've been anxious about the embryo thaw for our next round, and the transfer itself- but I knew this would be a piece of cake.  It would be my third time around, and the first two had been textbook perfect. 

So this is what the inside of my uterus looks like "normally" between days 6-16 of my cycle:

The black oval in the middle is the water that they inject up into the uterus so they can see what the uterine wall looks like.  Pretty smooth in there, right?  (This isn't actually MY uterus, but it was the closest thing online that I could find to what mine looks like...).

So, imagine my surprise, and the doc's, when she injected the water this time, and we saw something that looked a little like this:

Again, not MY uterus, but the closest thing I could find.  Do you see the differences?  In the top picture, the internal walls are pretty smooth and uniform.  In this picture, the walls are kind of jagged and hilly.  Well, in the inside of MY uterus, those "hills" looked more like mountains. 

I *love* hearing the doc say "oh.  Well, that's not what we're looking for"....  Turns out all those hills and mountains in there were pieces of tissue- either left over from my last period/ the miscarriage or we waited too long to do the ultrasound, and my lining was building up again.  In other words, the lining was too thick for me to start my meds. 

Can you feel my heart sinking into my stomach as she looks at me and says, "well, I'm going to want you to have another period to see if this all comes out on its own.  Then we'll do another ultrasound just to be sure."  Which blows our chances of an early March transfer.  At our clinic, the middle of the month (March anyway) is reserved for fresh cycles and transfers, so this will push us back to April probably.

Sigh. 

Put on a smile. 

"Okay."

A watched uterus....

We all know that old saying, "a watched pot never boils"....  Well, last week when I was cruising around the internet, I found one of those funny ecard looking things that said "a watched uterus never bleeds"....  Lol.  I tried to find it again, so I could repost it here, but it was nowhere to be found. 

In any event, I wasn't watching my uterus.  We were waiting for my beta to reach zero before doing anything else, right?  So why would I worry about what my pesky uterus was doing???  Then to my shock and delight (probably the only time in my life I will say delight....), my body decided to grace me with a period.  Without having to take the Pill for 2 weeks first!  If my beta was less than 5 on the coming draw, then I wouldn't have to do that first round of birth control at all....  We could count my own period as the next cycle, and I could have my water ultrasound and get the ball rolling again.

Needless to say I was keeping my fingers crossed during the wait to see what my next beta was.  The pessimistic side of me was all "Yeah, I bet it's something ridiculous like 6 or 7.....  Just enough to be above the cutoff....".  But my body had already cycled again...  surely it was below a 5.  Or maybe even at that coveted, big fat goose egg zero!  Well, it wasn't zero when it came back.  But it was less than 2.  I don't know how much less than 2, but that doesn't really matter.  Beta less than 5, and a period!  Time to get it going again!!!

Natalie sent us the "best scenario"calendar this week.  If everything looks good and falls into place- and if Seth and Johnny are on board to move forward again- we will transfer on or around March 5th.  I'm already giving my uterus little pep talks.... 

We have a new plan

I had my beta drawn again on Monday, to check the progression of the decline.  It fell so quickly from over 9000 to just 172 that I was hoping the crazy plunge would continue, and I'd be back at zero after just the two weeks.  Nope, not there yet.  I was at 15.  I know that is super low, but I was still hoping for that zero. 

In talking to Johnny and Seth through the day, I had said a couple times that what I needed was "the plan".  The gals at the clinic are always happy to tell me what the next step in the process is, but I wanted to know ballpark for when we would be able to transfer again.  I thought it would go like this:  Beta gets to zero, I have a water ultrasound sometime in the week or so after.  When that is clear, then I'll start estradiol valerate again.  After 5 doses (two and a half weeks), we would be ready for transfer again.  I'm thinking three or four weeks more..... Putting us in February, where I was hoping we would be. 

What's that saying about "best laid plans"????  Yep.  This is what will actually happen:  My beta will get to zero.  Then I'll take birth control pills for two weeks; stopping the pill after the two weeks will induce a period.  Then, somewhere between day 6-16 of my cycle (I'm sure closer to 16 with our clinic), I'll have the water ultrasound.  If all is clear with that, they'll stop the BCP- inducing another "light" period.  Then I will start the estradiol valerate, and three weeks later we will be ready for transfer. 

We have a new coordinator, named Natalie.  We won't be working with Linda this time around, because our clinic uses a different coordinator for fresh cycles versus frozen.  It was a little funny that Natalie emailed us The Plan after we had been talking about it through the day.  I know it is a good plan.  I know it is good to wait a little while.  And I keep searching my soul, trying to identify why I am having such a hard time being happy with the wait.  So far, I haven't really found the answer.  Maybe because several of the surros I was pregnant with last time are pregnant again?  Because I feel like a failure for miscarrying, and I want to prove that my body can do it? Because I just love being pregnant and am ready for it again? Because we love Johnny and Seth and I just want this to happen without any bumps in the road for them???  I just don't know.

I'm going to come to terms with the wait.  I have to, since the inner workings of my body are basically out of my control.  And I can be annoyed with the clinic all I want, but they just want to make sure I am healthy and my uterus is in the best possible place for another transfer.  While I wait, I might as well try to drop the rest of my baby weight from Mia's pregnancy.  The task will give me something else to focus on- something that IS in my control.

The beginning of this year has been a tough one.  But I've got to take the challenges head on, and believe that everything is going settle into place in the end.

Watching betas.... again

Huh.  Well, I never thought I'd be excited to see my betas going down.....  Okay, excited probably isn't the right word.  Relieved is more like it. 

Following my betas back down to zero is the next step in the process.  Like I said in the last post, I looked on some online threads to see how long it "generally" takes.  People had answers that varied- anywhere from a couple weeks to a couple months.  When I asked the NP at the clinic she said basically the same thing.  I'm not very good at waiting and not having some sort of idea what I'm in for. 

I had an ultrasound Monday morning, and a beta drawn.  I feel like I say that a lot.... lol.  My ultrasound was just to confirm that there is no more tissue left in there that can cause infection and more bleeding.  Everything there was clear and looked good.  My beta was 172.  Considering that is was over 9,000 on the 26th, I think 172 is a "good" number.  It seems that my beta is falling relatively quickly. 

When my beta reaches zero, I'll have another water ultrasound.  I'm assuming this is just to make sure nothing has popped up in, or happened to my uterus in the course of the pregnancy.  Then, we can start to plan for our next transfer. 

People who know the story have asked me how I'm feeling.  It's weird, but I think I had a harder time before the miscarriage than after.  Waiting for it to happen was hard for me, probably more so than I let on.  Now that it's over, I feel relieved that it is done.  I'm a tad jealous of the pregnant people around me, but just because I was just there and I want to be there again.  I'm anxious about the whole IVF process again- hoping there are healthy embryos, and that they will implant.  I'm a little anxious about being anxious!  And, of course, I'm so sad for Seth and Johnny- this was their first baby after all.  I wonder if I shouldn't feel like I want to jump right into another transfer....   But I do want to jump right back in.

So, I found this pic through another surro's blog.  You can find it, and others, here:
http://heygirlsurrogacy.tumblr.com
I think they're pretty awesome, though the humor is definitely surro humor....

Has it really been 9 months???

Miss Mia says it has!!!!

We were able to Face Time with Jason and Mia last week.  What a joy to be able to see how much she has grown and how happy she is.  I cherish the relationships that we have built with our IFs, both sets.  It adds so much happiness to our lives, branches to our family. 

I feel like we have experienced a lot of negative in the last month or so- both in our personal lives and in the world.  I'm so grateful to have so much that is positive in my life to help me through.  I just have to remember that it is there, and remember to hold it close. 

Sappy moment coming....

Surrogacy has expanded our family, and has exponentially multiplied the love in our lives.  Who wouldn't want to experience that???

New year, clean "slate"...

2013

A new year and time for a new beginning.  My New Year arrived with a bang, for sure.  I couldn't help but reflect on the timing of things.  Right before midnight, at the beginning of the new year, I started to bleed.  The nurse in me wants to describe what it was like, because it was like nothing I've ever experienced before.  The "normal" person in me realizes I probably shouldn't.  Suffice to say that it happened, and we can move toward a new beginning. 

So, what happens next? 

Well, the clinic wants to do an ultrasound to make sure I do indeed have a "clean slate".  Then we do more blood work.  We need to check my betas, and follow them until they are back to zero.  Unfortunately, I have no idea how long that will take.  I asked Linda when I emailed her this morning, and she didn't answer that part of my email.  I'm hoping just a couple weeks.....  Although, I did that thing I say to never do....  I stalked some of the online forums last night looking for how long it took other's betas to fall.  Some of the women on there said like 8-14 weeks!!!!!  It can't be that long.....  But there's nothing to do but wait.  Lol.  That seems to be our motto.....

Once those darn betas reach zero again, then we can have a conversation about another transfer. 

Here's to another new beginning. 

Answers...

.... And a sad goodbye.

We had our scheduled ultrasound on Wednesday morning...  Yesterday, I guess.  It was me and Linda again.  We were both pretty quiet and reserved.  Up on the table, get everything ready to go.  As soon as the picture resolved itself on the screen, I knew.  There was that little black gestational sac again, but it looked... the same.  Tiny.  It should be getting bigger, growing as the baby grows.  This one wasn't any bigger.  Then zoom in a little closer, and there is the embryo....  small and shadowy.  We both looked closer, then looked at each other- no cardiac movement. Linda checked again... and then again, just to be sure.

Our bright little soul decided that it wasn't ready for another adventure here on earth. 

After our ultrasound last Wednesday, I cried.  I was so sad, scared, and worried.  I desperately wanted everything to turn out all right. All yesterday, I was sulky, grumpy, and mad.  We did everything right!  This shouldn't be happening.... We worked so hard for this, all of us. 

I know, I know, nothing we could do...  Nothing I could do..... Doesn't make it any easier. 

I imagine that the loss of any pregnancy is terrible.  I feel like the loss of a surrogate pregnancy- in its own way- is worse.  As a surrogate, you are "given" your IP's most treasured, desired, and wished-for dream to hold and keep safe.  You take medication, keep yourself healthy, and do everything in your power to make sure that their dream is nurtured and grows into this beautiful reality of a child.  When something happens, and that dream is arrested almost before it feels real, it's devastating.  And even though it's probably silly I can't help but feel like the loss of that dream is partly my fault.  I was given their baby to hold safe, and that baby didn't survive and grow. 

So now, we take a little break.  We regroup, and rest, and take a deep breath.  We wait for my body to be not pregnant again, however long that will take. 

And then we move forward.