We have a new plan

I had my beta drawn again on Monday, to check the progression of the decline.  It fell so quickly from over 9000 to just 172 that I was hoping the crazy plunge would continue, and I'd be back at zero after just the two weeks.  Nope, not there yet.  I was at 15.  I know that is super low, but I was still hoping for that zero. 

In talking to Johnny and Seth through the day, I had said a couple times that what I needed was "the plan".  The gals at the clinic are always happy to tell me what the next step in the process is, but I wanted to know ballpark for when we would be able to transfer again.  I thought it would go like this:  Beta gets to zero, I have a water ultrasound sometime in the week or so after.  When that is clear, then I'll start estradiol valerate again.  After 5 doses (two and a half weeks), we would be ready for transfer again.  I'm thinking three or four weeks more..... Putting us in February, where I was hoping we would be. 

What's that saying about "best laid plans"????  Yep.  This is what will actually happen:  My beta will get to zero.  Then I'll take birth control pills for two weeks; stopping the pill after the two weeks will induce a period.  Then, somewhere between day 6-16 of my cycle (I'm sure closer to 16 with our clinic), I'll have the water ultrasound.  If all is clear with that, they'll stop the BCP- inducing another "light" period.  Then I will start the estradiol valerate, and three weeks later we will be ready for transfer. 

We have a new coordinator, named Natalie.  We won't be working with Linda this time around, because our clinic uses a different coordinator for fresh cycles versus frozen.  It was a little funny that Natalie emailed us The Plan after we had been talking about it through the day.  I know it is a good plan.  I know it is good to wait a little while.  And I keep searching my soul, trying to identify why I am having such a hard time being happy with the wait.  So far, I haven't really found the answer.  Maybe because several of the surros I was pregnant with last time are pregnant again?  Because I feel like a failure for miscarrying, and I want to prove that my body can do it? Because I just love being pregnant and am ready for it again? Because we love Johnny and Seth and I just want this to happen without any bumps in the road for them???  I just don't know.

I'm going to come to terms with the wait.  I have to, since the inner workings of my body are basically out of my control.  And I can be annoyed with the clinic all I want, but they just want to make sure I am healthy and my uterus is in the best possible place for another transfer.  While I wait, I might as well try to drop the rest of my baby weight from Mia's pregnancy.  The task will give me something else to focus on- something that IS in my control.

The beginning of this year has been a tough one.  But I've got to take the challenges head on, and believe that everything is going settle into place in the end.