Halfway there musings.....

Halfway there musings.......

I kinda can't believe we're at the halfway point in the pregnancy already. It really does feel like just yesterday that we were flying out to Jersey for the transfer. I try to remind myself every day to enjoy everything that I can about this pregnancy- even the heartburn! Because it's going to be over before I know it... I'm so fortunate to be carrying this little girl; but sometimes I have to remind myself that she's "mine" just for the duration of the pregnancy. Don't get me wrong- I'm going to be overjoyed to hand her over to her Daddy- I just hope it's after 38-40 weeks gestation.

I was reminded today that nothing is ever certain, and to enjoy every moment that I can. A good friend of mine who was also carrying a surro-baby delivered unexpectedly at 32 weeks. The baby and my friend are both healthy and doing fine, but her journey was cut short by 8 weeks. She was expecting to be pregnant for another 6-7 weeks at least. I never really thought of how having a pre-term delivery would impact my feelings about the pregnancy. We Carriers go into a pregnancy knowing that we will not be taking home a baby in the end. But I think we all expect to nurture whatever little person grows for the length of an entire pregnancy.

I'm around pre-term labor and deliveries all the time because of where I work. I'm used to helping moms when their pregnancies are cut short for whatever reason. I never really thought of it in terms of a surrogate pregnancy being cut short. Maybe some carriers wouldn't be bothered by it, but I think delivering significantly early would make me sad, too. For me, the very best part of pregnancy is the last half and I want to experience it in all of its glory (aches, pains, and all...) for as long as I can!

Me and Baby at 20 weeks'....

It's a......

It's a........

......GIRL!!!!

I keep thinking I've written this blog already. Only to remember that I keep meaning to write it, and that it's not actually done yet!

Life has been crazy the last week and a half or so. Jason came to visit, we had our "20 week" anatomy scan (at 19 weeks, 4 days), the kids were out of school for Thanksgiving, my parents were here for Thanksgiving, not to mention Thanksgiving itself. Then it was my birthday and a dance recital; and now back to life "as usual".

Other than finding out that I'm carrying a healthy, happy baby, the big question of the day was: What am I carrying????? As soon as the ultrasound tech popped the transducer on my belly, I had the answer to that question- the view was about as perfect as it gets. Jason, not being accustomed to looking at ultrasound screens however, didn't see it right away. Since nothing is ever 100% until delivery, the ultrasound tech said with 99% probability that I'm carrying a little girl.

And she IS healthy and happy. Right now she's sitting breech (please flip.....), so we weren't able to get perfect shots of her heart or her spine. I'll have another scan when we go back in 4 weeks, and hopefully she'll be in a better position. Being breech explains why I always feel so heavy in my pelvis, and (despite the posterior placenta this time) why I don't feel much movement outside of my pelvis. I'm not as nervous about this kiddo being breech as I could be, though. My daughter sat breech until 31 weeks. I'll be relieved when Baby does finally flip; or freaked out when we get to 34 weeks and she still hasn't......

Here are some pics of this gorgeous girl:

Week 18

Well, 18 weeks, here we are! The picture is a little (okay, a lot) grainy, but I don't have the best camera on my phone. I'm not sure why I didn't have Chris snap a pic... I'm thinking that he must not have been here??? Our schedule was a little off this week d/t the upcoming holiday.

Baby is moving a lot more this week. I'm finally feeling movement outside of my pelvis- I'm starting to feel pokes, jabs, and rolls right below my belly button. I've noticed Baby moving while I'm on the couch, in the car, and at work. Still not so much when I'm up and busy and moving around a lot myself, but that will come. And probably soon!!!

Next week is our big anatomy scan! Jason is going to come into town so he can be there to see his kiddo on-screen again. We're really looking forward to finding out if this is a little miss or a little mister in there.

I've upped my zantac dose to cover the heartburn this week, and am thinking that I will probably have to move on to something a little stronger soon. New this week is the recurrence of my sciatica. I've been feeling it on my left side, and luckily just a tiny bit. The sciatica I get has never been as awful as what I know some people have, but it's one of those familiar "friends" of pregnancy that has popped up for me again. On the plus side, I'm not having any problem sleeping, and my appetite has improved a lot. I'm trying to make "good" food choices for myself and the baby, and pretty much I do well. However, there are those moments when that chocolate chip muffin looks way better than the apple..... ;) My go to absolutely favorite "meal" right now is refried beans and rice from the Mexican place down the street. With tortilla chips, of course.

Dreams

I always have crazy dreams. And during pregnancy, the craziness seems to get worse. I have really vivid dreams, that are often off the wall and funny when I'm pregnant. This time has been no exception. However, I've also been having realistically scary dreams (like last night), and dreams that seem to be coming straight from my subconscious.

The first "pregnancy dream" I remember having this time was a dream about giving birth. I was there in the hospital, laboring away. Jason was there, and things were progressing along as expected. When out pops the cutest little gray fuzzy bunny..... Everyone was a little taken back, but Jason loved his bunny nonetheless.

I've had dreams about haunted houses that suck people into never-ending labyrinths. Last night I dreamed it was a piece of very large property with a haunted house/ nature walk. We were from that show Ghost Hunters (which I've never watched) exploring the veracity of the hauntedness of the place. We wound down into the bowels of the place, then opened a door that was hiding pure evil behind it. We promptly turned around and ran up and out of the place, but something followed us. We got the signature of the owner on all our forms so the show could be produced. Then drove away only to find that all roads led right back to the house. Needless to say, I was actually happy to hear the alarm go off this morning!!!

Going into a surrogate pregnancy, you know from the beginning that the baby is not yours and not going home with your family. It changes the nature of the pregnancy, and for my family makes it easier. We're all very comfortable knowing that this is Jason's baby and not ours, and that we are only going to physically see/hold/ be around him or her for a very short time. Lately, my subconscious has been telling me that the very short time we will have must be something that is important to me.

I've dreamed twice now that I gave birth to this little wonder, but was not allowed to see him/ her. The first dream took place in the hospital, right at the moment of birth. The baby was born, and immediately whisked away- completely out of my room. I kept asking to see the baby, or hold the baby even just for a minute. I was told by the nurse that the baby wasn't even on hospital property any more, having been taken to the hotel where Jason and his family were staying. The second dream was several days after the baby was born. We were at home waiting for the court date to sign our paperwork. Jason hadn't made it to town yet for some reason, but I wasn't allowed to have custody of the baby. It was a girl, and she was being cared for by my best friend. I hadn't been allowed to see the baby in the hospital, and kept calling trying to convince my friend to bring her over for a visit before our court date.

In neither of the dreams was keeping the baby an issue. I just wanted a chance to see him or her. I know logically that Jason will give our family plenty of time to say goodbye to this wonderful little person, and I can't imagine any realistic scenario where the baby would be taken immediately away where wouldn't get a chance to see him/ her later.

Aren't dreams weird? At least this time around, I haven't dreamed about giving birth to a loaf of bread. It will be interesting to see what happens next in my dreamworld....

My pregnancy is special, too....

As most of you well know, I'm a nurse. I work in a fairly large hospital in the labor and delivery area. So, I work with mostly other women. Right now there are 11 of us pregnant (I think, it might only be 10), with 4 of us due in April. It's pretty crazy, but fun to be pregnant with so many other gals at the same time. Well, usually it's fun. It's been a little different this time, and I'm feeling a little defensive about it.

I was at work one night last week, and 5 of the staff on that night were from the pool of us preggo girls. We were sitting around in the early morning discussing who all was pregnant, when we were due, etc. One of my co-workers who I don't see very often looked at me and said, "You're pregnant, too, right?" Then another of my co-corkers looked over and said, "Yeah, but she's not keeping that baby," with a weird little tone. Then another of my co-workers, a close friend this time, said to me the other night, "Well I just don't get as excited about your pregnancy because this baby isn't going to be around, and we're not going to see him/her grow up."

Okay. I totally understand, and I get it. But this pregnancy is just as special as the other ones, and just as special to me as being pregnant with my own babies. In some respects, it is more special. These 40-ish weeks that I'm pregnant is the only time that I will be responsible for the care of this baby. It's the only time that this amazing little person will be a part of my daily life. My family is helping someone start a family of their own. I think that's pretty darn special.

Sure, my pregnancy is different. People don't understand what I'm doing, and/or why I'm doing it. I expect random comments from people I don't know very well, and even from the older set. If my grandma had something to say about it, for example. But it's a lot harder to hear from close friends, and people who I know are exposed to it on a regular basis.

There are friends of mine who may think I'm crazy, or who deep down don't understand. But please try to remember that, even though we're not keeping this baby, this pregnancy is special to me too. Please think about what you say to me before you say it.